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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
LW first of all there are support groups for orphans (even adult orphans), so learn to use that Google bar on top of your browser. There are plenty of orphans in the USA, your status is hardly unique.
Stop making your life a soap opera! You are one of the billions of people who have lost relationships and it hurts for all the billions of us. Making a big frigging drama over being dumped or rejected doesn't make your situation better, it makes it worse. Crying at 11:00 at night isn't a bad thing, it's a strategy to deal with the pain of rejection and lonliness. Some free advice - desperation and neediness aren't attractive, they are great big 'KEEP AWAY' signs that any sane man avoids*. So do your crying at night and during the day when people see you walk like you have a purpose, be the sort of person you'd be attracted to. Nobody likes a whiner, even an orphan whiner. Speaking of which, do you play the orphan card on your first date? That's gotta be wonderful - look at me, pity me, and if you dump me you're hurting an orphan! Heck, hasn't your parent's death shown you the temporary nature of life? My dad's early diagnosis and death from cancer sure taught me to embrace every day cause life is short! Figure out what you're here for, what you're good at, what you like doing and do it, and the men will actually 'catch' you off that swing. Good luck and dump the self pity!
*along with 'I'm saving myself for the man I marry'
Self-destructive myths don't help you - they lock you into the same chain of events, the same damaging perspective on events. And a breakup with a boyfriend is not being broken into a million pieces by an awful world - it's a normal part of life - you'll go through many relationships before you find those that will become serious and true.
And no one can understand being an orphan if they are not. But then again - no one can understand the true horrors of FGM unless it happened to them. No one can understand the depths of pain and conflict of having child abusers or worse, molesters for parents unless they went through it, no one can understand the horror of finding out your parent was the BTK killer unless they went through it........
We all have our burdens, some greater than others. That's no reason to close everyone out, or think they won't understand.
It sounds a bit like the letter writer is trying to make relationships a substitute for her parents. Sorry - they are gone. Gone for good, and no one can, and no one should replace them.
Someday you will find someone you love and who loves you back - and this will take time, lots of dating, meeting and talking to many people, to find your match. And that person will not fill the gap your parents filled. They will be better, but in an entirely different way - you should not look for your parents in a relationship. Your relationships - they are a support, a teammate - an equal.
Everyone loses their parents someday - sadly you've lost them before you should have. But when you say people don't acknowledge you, that there's no groups - obviously you are letting self-pity limit you. There's plenty of acknowledgement, many groups. Recognize when your brain is playing this trick, trying to limit your actions, so you can stop it from doing so in the future.
I lost both my parents when I was in high school, and I can't say that I understand this letter at all. Maybe I'm not the right kind of orphan or something.
It's funny, I was thinking recently about what, if anything, distinguishes my approach to relationships from people who did not lose parents when young. The one thing I could think of is that I have a tendency to walk away from relationships or be very apathetic about keeping in touch with people after I've moved on in life. I thought that maybe because I got used to losing people early on, it was easier to dismiss people from my life. Or maybe I'm just an asshole, but it's a theory.
In any event, I just celebrated 9 years of marriage last week, and I don't believe that I'm yearning for some special trapeze type of love. I'm good. So, perhaps people just shouldn't generalize.
My daughter was rejected by her biological parents at age 12. Both signed away parental rights rather than give up destructive relationships and drug habits. She went in to foster care, group homes and failed adoptions. And finally, at age 15, to me. This allowed her to imagine that there were still people out there who, on some level, cared. Except that when she was 19 and went looking, they were no better off than before and still wanted little or nothing to do with her.
I guess the one thing she may have that you may not is to hope against hope that some day, they might just come around. Except, that they might not, and so far not so good.
There is no point is arguing over who hurts the most, or has the most right to be screwed up due to circumstances.
Please don't start sharing your pain haphazardly. One of my daughter's problems has been trying to get too close, too quickly. Again, and again, and again. There may not be group therapy for orphans. But you can sometimes find it for people with abandonment issues. Look into Dr. Linehan's model for dialetical behavior therapy.
Many people can find true homes in church, and there are many churches who have a pretty high tolerance for people who are just there for the company and can pass on some or all of the message. And there are others who have been damaged by church and are better off in Starbucks with a book.
Peace.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
