My doctor told me a long time ago that I could carve out time for myself and have fun and exercise, or I devote all of my time to children, husband and work and die early of stress and leave them without supervision.

A half hour on Saturday while they are at lessons and 15-30 minutes a night is not excessive. Most people spend more time than that watching TV. She can practice on her lunch hour if she gets a travel guitar. She can practice after they go to bed. But if this is what she needs, taking it away will make her bitter, tired, and unhappy.

Too often we parents fall into the martyr trap. We give everything to the kids, neglect ourselves and our spouses, work too hard, and look up a few years later wondering what happened. It's healthier to carve out some time for us, some time that is individually me, than to be a martyr.

If hubby is that concerned, he can make practical suggestions and compromise. "Where is this going" to me is not "waste of time". It's "I don't understand this, it's shutting me out, why are you doing this?"

Way back at the beginning of the thread I explained that I had bought my husband a guitar. He always wanted to learn to play, but didn't think he had time. I paid for three months of lessons, and watched the kids while he went. I was happy to see him so joyful. The real question is, why doesn't her spouse see that this makes her happy, and why doesn't he care?

To see my spouse happy is my joy and turn on. He loves to see me happy as well. We have a toddler and an elementary school child, so of course time is tight. We run the "parent taxi" and the "toddler time." But we manage to give ourselves some alone time and some self time. We have managed an 1.5 hour commute before. We deliberately looked for another job for him, because that commute was killing him before my eyes. But even with that commute and a 9 month old (then), we made time for each other.

My husband would never ask me "Where is this going" or allow my children to make fun of me. If I need to do something, he asks me to do it, he doesn't snark on one of my hobbies. So for me, I don't see the problem as the guitar. I see the problem as a family that can not see her as more than mommy.

To me, it does not sound like she is taking that much time from the family. Her lessons coincide with the kids' piano lessons, as my advanced lessons coincide with my sons. The difference is that my son and I jam together, and now my husband can join in. Even the baby joins in.

A family should support dreams, not kill them. Isn't there something you do that has absolutely no value to your spouse, but it gives you joy? Not the TV (although I know people at televisionwithoutpity.com who do take join in watching, recapping, and snarking on Tv. They are hilarious and life-affirming. But what do you do to recharge, to get out of the critical voices in your head, to give you joy? What puts you in another world that other people can't always follow?

Everyone deserves some time from the musts. Are we so hard on ourselves that fifteen minutes a day is too much to have just for ourselves? Don't we deserve at least that?

Don't you deserve that?

I meant marc22***, my jawboning partner. I've been working too hard and I need to go play!

He doesn't mind the 15 min spent on the guitar. What he doesn't like is her working outside the home fulltime (the 'long hours away from the kids'). That's only OK for dads, apparently.

He isn't even considering the possibility that the kids might have a stay at home parent - if it's not the mom, then it doesn't count, I guess.

and the notion that because the kids roll their eyes when the mom plays the guitar is some sign that they lack closeness with the mom?? Please. Show me a kid who doesn't roll their eyes at their parents and I'll show you a kid who doesn't have parents. Or eyes. Or something. Even Wally rolled his eyes at June, I'm pretty sure.

Presumably, the teenagers in question are taking piano lessons because they like it - by that age, one is most definitely free to choose to stop. The LW does not sound like she's forcing them into it.

Now, consider this. What are the kids learning if they take lessons, work hard at learning to play an instrument, and then see their mom quitting music because "this is not going anywhere"? Is this going to make them want to continue taking piano lessons? One assumes that they're not headed for Carnegie Hall - so shouldn't the question of "where is this going" apply to them as well?

Compare this situation: the kids are seeing their mom integrate music-making into her life - going so far as to play the guitar in her cramped car on her lunch hour. The kids are also seeing their mom have fun - either making music on her own, or forming a band (which I hope she does). They see that music is important - that learning music serves a purpose even when one is an adult. They work harder at their piano lessons as a result.

Another point: if the LW had decided, as her "me time", to go get her nails done once a week and to spend 15 minutes a day doing some special face treatment, would anyone here have any objections? If she had decided to spend 15 minutes a day doing yoga, would anyone ask "where is this going"? For that matter - for all of you who are sending her to the gym, does it matter that she'll never be Arnold Schwartzenegger, and that she's not supervising her kids while she's at the gym?

Most of the musicians who perform at the festivals where I play have day jobs (sometimes very demanding ones - there is at least one lawyer, a couple of doctors, and other similar professions), as well as families and children. They make music a part of their lives because it gives them pleasure. Yes, this is a non-mainstream form of entertainment; it's much more socially acceptable to veg out in front of the teevee or to run on a treadmill at the gym. But for a small group of eccentrics (and the LW seems to be one of them), it's what feeds the soul.