As far as I am concerned, if your boyfriend exhibits ANY behavior over five years that makes you miserable and shows no sign of stopping, then you have your answer - leave. I agree with others that this is the kind of behavior not easily rectified - it would take an enormous upheaval in his worldview.

Cary may not say it but I will. There are flaming Narcissists, which are obvious, and there are the quiet types, which are insidious.

LW - you may have the latter. What someone said earlier - he may not be ill-intentioned - trying to drive you carzy on purpose for control - but he probably does not "see" you - you ARE an object in a close relationship.

A pretty good test of this is to make your self distant - move out. If then he starts to "see" and appreciate you and be more accepting. Try moving closer again. If he has narcissistic tendancies - once you are close in - you will be back to "object" status and the critiquing well resume.

Too close - can't see you. A little distance and you are his ideal and you start to feel valued. It is a sucky little dance.

Of course - how much time do you really want to waste figuring this out? Life is short.

Try counciling together - or just by yourself. Try and figure out if you feel you need to "measure up" to be valued. Your boyfriend is probably not a bad guy - but constantly trying to please someone - or dealing with being critiqued - it is just not worth the energy drain.

I know I'm simply repeating a lot that has been said before but I have a few things to add.

I too dated one of these guys, three years of absolute hell. No matter what I did or said I was always in 'trouble'. And yeah, it was a very difficult relationship to leave. These folks are extremely charming, and on the outside seem to have thier lives together. Leaving that relationship was the best thing I've ever done.

I recently started dating a man that also left a relationship like this. We couldn't be happier.

Last week he asked me if he was allowed to be human, to make mistakes. I said, "You have PLENTY of leway to be human, and I expect the same"

He got tears in his eyes.

You have no idea how damaging these relationships can be.

'get Out NOw

Here's the deal: the only way to live successfully with another is to make no demands on the other. That's NONE. 95% or 98% or 99% don't count; it has to be 100%.

Obviously the BF has a way to go here, but there are two things you can do:

1. Make no demands on HIM. That's how he is. Accept it, and him.

2. Don't try to change to suit his demands. In fact, don't even get upset by them; that's just how he is. He will, of course, have a conniption fit; that's his problem, not yours. Explain point #1 enough times and he might get it. If not, there's no hope.

HumanJHawkins, nobody wants the BF lynched. It's just perfectly obvious that LW has given this relationship way too much time. Some folks are (foolishly) saying 'you don't want to throw away 5 years without giving BF a chance to change', which is like saying 'I've already spent $5000 on this slot machine, so I need to keep putting quarters because maybe it will pay off someday'. LW has already lost 5 years of her life, BF will never change for her, she needs to get out.

Mind you, to me he sounds like a big a-hole. Some loneliness and misery will do him good.

Narcissist, possibly a sociopath. At least read up on the signs and symptoms to see if there's more that applies to this man and this relationship. It's so easy to go into the fog that they create that makes you unable to see clearly. It makes you actually question yourself. You actually believe that if you could just do whatever it is they're asking for at that moment and get past it, everything will work out from there. And it's still never good enough and it's always YOUR fault.

Just do a little research. If he meets the criteria, get out and never look back.

Oh no! I recognized a bit of my old self in the BF. In times of stress in my marriage (I'm now a widower) I would rant about what a mess the house was, how no one but me seemed to do anything to clean up, and on and on. My wife wouldn't put up with it, she would wait until I had finished ranting, or was reduced to mumbling under my breath, and then say, "Are you done?" Then she would ask me what I thought really was wrong. I came, over the course of a couple of years, to ask myself that question when the usual disorder of the house would start upsetting me. That is, why are you so upset? What the hell is REALLY bothering you?

It isn't perfection anyone seeks, I suspect, but a sense of control. If BF doesn't let go of that, all the characterizations of him, sociopath, narcissist, etc., probably don't matter. What does matter is that he can't really control reality, and she can't let him try, because it will destroy her.

Just another thought because this was something pointed out to me and rang true:

LW - how much time are you spending trying to figure out what you BF wants, or thinks, or his psychological background etc. Some people will spend a lot of their time trying to "understand" someone who really is not spending time thinking about you in the same way. You are part of his world - why spend time thinking about the objects swirling about him?

That is time you should be spending thinking about you - what you want to change in yourself, what you want in this brief time you have on earth.

I had a long time relationship with someone that sounds alot like your BF. All these little issues - they meant little to me and so much to him so I complied. Little by little though they add up until you are conforming to his desires. You cut into your interests and change your habits - You try and keep peace.

For me, the epiphany - it was having my SO get annoyed with me because I did not load the dishwasher in the proper form . . . so he annoyedly removed the offending articles and told me "yet again - why can't you remember this?" how to put plates in a washer.

Then I started noticing all the other ways I was complying - and yet I was still not "functioning correctly"

You may not want to throw away a 5 year emotional investment - but how many years would you continue until you had enough? I had far more than five, but I decided I wanted to be happy and feel good about myself again.

It was like a yoke was lifted - the ball cut from the chain. The relief far out weighs the sorrow of a relationship destroyed. Sad that so many years were wasted trying to be good enough - but happy that I now have the rest of my life to be myself.

Ironically - now that I am gone - I've gone back to the interesting perfect person in the eyes of my ex - but I've done the dance several times and know what would happen should we get close again.

You need to figure out if your BF is aware of what he does to you. And more so - he needs to see it and recognise how destructive it is. Otherwise he'll only change as much as he has to to keep you around.