I'll go ahead and join the DTMFA chorus. I also had one of these boyfriends and I can see how Cary and the LW could think that he could be reasoned with. After all, from the outside, the LW's boyfriend surely seems like a perfectly reasonable, affable guy. He's probably pretty successful in his line of work, responsible, and respectful outside the home.

Until we moved in together, I assumed that my boyfriend was just a little sensitive, prone to moping, and a bit of a spoiled only child. All things that could be worked on and no bigger flaws than what I've got. But once I'd moved in, there was absolutely no pleasing him. Anything I did or said could be twisted to show what a heartless bitch I was. I lasted two weeks before I moved the hell out.

At that point, he got real crazy. Since I wasn't around for him to control, he began controlling access to my things that were still in the apartment. I was staying with friends and had only taken a couple of bags with me, which I ended up living out of for two months when he locked me out, saying that I couldn't be trusted around his possessions. I finally got my stuff when my large family showed up en masse with a moving truck.

So my advice to the LW is to make a plan and just disappear. Don't leave anything behind. This isn't going to be an amicable split.

Whew! No mincing words from you. I agree totally. I was one who kept attempting to meet the continually evolving expectations projected by my partner until I realized he really was after an ideal not related to me at all.

Don't waste your precious time,writer. Get out now.

Ha ha.

Seriously, though, because somebody *will* suggest it...I've known a few people with Asperger's, and they are all the *opposite* of what the LW is describing. They have always been extremely forgiving, quick to overlook petty personal failings, more likely to appreciate another person as a unique individual, etc. Because they don't understand "people" in general, they're generous when it comes to getting to know an individual person without preconceptions or expectations.

(Bird by Bird, her book about writing):

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life . . . I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."

Seventeen years & two kids later, he is the same "perfectionist." He just knows I can do better & wants to "help." Our kids cannot wait to go away to college. Family vacations are sometimes tearful.

Get the picture? You CANNOT be happy with someone who has the compulsion to "pick, pick, pick".

He makes you feel bad, alot of the time. You try to please him, to make him understand, and it doesn't work. You feel lousy.

If someone makes you feel badly about yourself, get away from him.

As a recovering perfectionist, I would proffer that your boyfriend is way harder on himself than he'll ever be on you. For everything he picks on you about, he's got 10 more criticisms going on in his head about himself.

Not that that makes it okay for him to pick on you. It's just that somewhere along in his life, he learned to survive by being perfect and internalizing some critic (mom or dad) to keep himself, and everyone and everything else in line. Deep down, he literally believes his life is at stake if he and his environment are not perfect. That mistakes somehow reflect a deep and irredeemable flaw that make him unlovable and not worthy of anything good.

At least, that's the way it was for me.

I think Cary's advice is great, give him a chance to see and reflect upon how his habit/belief system is affecting you and your relationship. And in addition to his effect on you, the effect on himself -- how it's literally making his life so much harder than it needs to be.

I would also suggest therapy, if he's willing. Getting in touch with his inner critic, dissolving those beliefs, and learning to accept his own imperfect humanity will eventually help him be less critical of everyone and everything else around him.

At least, that's the way it's been for me.

Good luck.

... that this guy's bad news and that you should DTMFA, read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. This guy sets off all kinds of warning bells.

If he hasn't yet stopped expecting you to be perfect--which is a FAR CRY from thinking that you are perfect, just the way you are--he never will.

You sound like a nice person, but you either need therapy to help you figure out why you devoted five years of your life to someone who is such a horse's ass, or you need to grow a spine, and tell him to knock it off.

Sweetness and common sense don't work on bullies like your boyfriend. Either just leave, or give him one more chance. "Listen. Do NOT start in on me again. This is your last chance."

Him turning the tables when you try to discuss it is just a way of deflecting your absolutely reasonable request for him to quit with the perfection crap. It's commonly known as passive aggression--trying to make you feel bad for doing something that you have every right to do.

Either work with him to stop the cycle, or leave. Your only other choice is to become increasingly miserable, turning yourself inside out, trying to accomplish the impossible. And his expectations will NEVER be met. It isn't about you being perfect. It's about him being in control.