Interesting how people here are ready to lynch this guy based on a few paragraphs from only one side of the story.

That's nonsense. There have been no calls to "lynch" this guy, and it's really unnecessarily inflammatory, not to mention utterly inaccurate, to characterize the letters so far that way. It is not true.

We're saying she should *dump* him.

Do you not see the difference?

Of course relationships are complicated, but when the overwhelming characteristic of a 5-year relationship is that he criticizes her all the time, yes, that's a red flag for deeper things being wrong.

Dear letter writer, what you are describing is an early form of verbal abuse. Please trust me - this is true, and it will get worse. Please, please read "The Verbally Abusive RElationship" by Patricia Evans. You will see your boyfriend on every page.

SOme of the behaviors you describe are absolute hallmarks of verbal abuse: constant criticism that is always changing (whatever you fix, there will always be another wrongdoing)

Changing the subject: When you ask him for change he turns the topic on himself, sometimes even getting you to feel sorry for him

Most importantly, the way you feel about YOURSELF is typical of a verbally abused woman... "If only I could be better, he would love me."

Abusive men do not see you; they see a reflection of themselves that they are forever trying to perfect. Please read the book!

She puts the people closest to her -- me, our mother, her many ex-fiances, her closest girlfriends, and her ex-husband -- on that pedestal, and goes ballistic when we display any human imperfections. The engagements all ended, the husband walked out, and the long-time girlfriends eventually drop her (her best friend from elementary school dumped her after 30 years of friendship -- she just couldn't take the criticism any more). My mother and I are the only ones left up there. And we pay a huge price.

I purposefully live 400 miles from my sister. Any closer is just too dangerous. We correspond mostly through e-mail with occasional phone calls thrown in. At least once a year she gets seriously angry with me and extrememly verbally abusive. Usually it's because I disagree with her over something, like whether I should trade in my sedan for a mini-van or SUV now that my child is getting older and is involved with sports. I was thinking SUV, she went nuts on me. When she loses her temper because I did something "wrong," she doesn't speak to me for months and months, sometimes for more than a year. When that happens, it's a relief. A huge relief. Over the years, I've learned to hang up on her when she loses control. That's been very helpful.

The bottom line is that she is my sister, and I love her. (When she's not being awful, she's truly wonderful to be around). And I'll stick by her, no matter how painful it is. But if she weren't my sister, I'd run for the hills and she would never find me.

Some posts have mentioned low self-esteem, and that's a huge problem for my sister. Others have mentioned projection, and that's a factor too. She has the added element of extreme jealousy -- anyone who is married and has children raises her ire just because they have a husband and offspring.

If the LW truly loves her boyfriend, she and he should find a good therapist. And they should find out whether the boyfriend's attitude can be changed or not. Then the LW will have her answer.

Letter Writer,

The sort of abuse your boyfriend is subjecting you to can end up affecting your mental and emotional health. You're putting yourself at risk of many kinds of problems by staying with him -- including mental and emotional health issues.

Aspergers, Aspergers!

Pepsi, Pepsi!

so much better than Cary's (way too long) response?

Keep up the good work folks.

And LW, DTMFA. Five years is way to long to wait for Peter Pan to grow up.

Or is Glenn Greenwald, paid provocateur of extremist Muslim press.

...that leads them to believe their idiot boyfriends and husbands will eventually turn the corner? We won't. Ever.

I was married to someone like this for nearly 10 years and were together for 15--take my advice--he will not change. It is ingrained in his personality and no matter how many times you call him out on it, it will not stop. It may stop temporarily, but it will never go away. I'm not sure it's so much to do with perfection (at least in my case), but it's a form of verbal abuse--the constant criticism, not "getting it" quickly enough, not putting a dish in the dishwasher "just so"...it all seems like little things, but as you and Cary have both pointed out, there's something much bigger at work with him. In my situation, his desire to have me do everything just right or in the way he thought I should do it naturally led to a snippiness in his voice--and a disappointment. We argued --over little things--all the time as a result. It drove our friends crazy--I later learned. Now our oldest son is doing the exact same thing--snipping at and criticizing his little brother when he doesn't get it right or do it quickly enough. If this guy hasn't changed after five years, he's not going to. I'd cut your losses and find someone who can love you and be with you just the way you are.

But in the end it doesn't matter. Imagining all the possible explanations (OCD! Abusive Psychopath! Putting you on a pedestal!) is just useless navel gazing. The important thing is that what he is doing bothers you, and you'd like him to stop. If someone does something that bothers you, it's your job to say something. Otherwise, how will they know it bothers you?

I've noticed that many women spend a huge amount of time trying to decipher the inner motivations of men and discussing all possible interpretations with their friends. Women also seem to expect the same of men, and to expect that men will just naturally know what the woman wants without having to be asked because THAT'S LOVE AND HE SHOULD KNOW!!!

Some men are good at knowing when a thing bothers you, and stopping. Others need to be told explicitly, and it sounds like your guy is one of those who needs to be told explicitly. In a way, you've been telling him that all the criticism is ok by (1) making changes in response to what he said, and (2) never telling him it bothered you for five years.

This isn't a DTMFA situation, it's an Open Your Mouth Solve Your Problem situation. It works like this, you have a talk in which you tell him that it hurts your feelings when he criticizes and you tell him you need him to stop doing that. Tell him that instead, if you've just done something that bothers him (i.e. leaving a door open) he should politely, in a neutral tone of voice, make a request (i.e. "Honey, would you please close the door? Thanks!"). You are then free to decide whether you want to comply or not. Because it's a request, you may say "sorry, can't, I'm in the middle of something!" and he can close the door himself if it really bothers him so much. And it ends there. Make sure you're clear about that part: he may make a request about something that can be immediately changed, like closing a door, but if something has already passed, like leaving your purse in a restaurant, he needs to let it go.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, you might set a certain amount of time (say 2 months) during which you expect him to change. If he hasn't changed, then it may be time to end the relationship.