Always treat the other person as an individual to avoid "oneupmanship" games).

For example, I would be upset if someone did something which put my cat at risk, say leaving the door open while backing the car out. Regardless of how he may feel about her ("a rat with ears"), she's important to me. By the same token, I would take great care with somebody else's stuff, recognizing something of no particular value to me is of great value to him.

LW,

I think you wrote in because you wanted someone else to validate what you already know deep inside---that something is just not right with your boyfriend or with this situation.

Oh, yeah, I know. You love him, right? You have a life together! You'll have to find your own apartment! But rather than seeing these things as obstacles, see them as blessings. Be glad you're not discovering your boyfriend's odd behavior after you're married with kids. There's still time to get out unscathed!

What worries me is that you've put up with this for five years?Most of us would have given him fifteen minutes. I recommend going through some counseling to discover why you're willing to live with someone who can't seem to get over open doors or a few crumbs on the ground. I think it's time for you to realize that in the end, this is really about you.

I'm concerned for you. This is why:

"I have spent the past five years thinking that if I do exactly what he wants, he will eventually be satisfied. But anytime I fix one thing, he finds something new that keeps me a stone's throw away from being that perfect woman he was expecting all along. He isn't perfect. Why do I have to be?"

If you've been spending the last five years trying to be perfect so that he doesn't get angry at you, I am deeply worried about you.

Please first go to some counseling or figure out a way to strengthen yourself because you have lost some perspective. Spend some time sitting with how you see an ideal relationship, how you see your life unfolding, what you love about this man and about yourself. Watch others who are in good relationships and observe how they act towards one another.

You are right that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes in the course of a day. Make sure that your boyfriend loves YOU, that he has your back, that he respects you, that he is not threatened by you but that you add to his good life - not that you make or break it.

Please look out for yourself.

The worst part of it was that after this so-called "perfecting" phase had passed, he turned into a person who could not, and would not, tolerate the slightest "disobedience."

And it was scary, scary, scary.

You have one question to ask yourself: Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? There are only two possible answers: Yes or No.

I really hope you decide to end this relationship now.

do you want to have children with this guy? make sure he understands that they are little bundles of imperfection. don't let him project his insecurities onto them.

all the male writers who claim that because of feminism, all American women are spoiled heartless bitches are?

They must have slept in this morning.

Anyway, LW, you sound like a sweet young lady and I would suggest you base your decision of whether to leave or stay on if you plan to have children with him, and if he will go to counseling with you.

JenniferC's letter is beautiful. She got it right.

Either that or you have some big time daddy issues.

I've encountered this a few times in my life. He needs to find fault because he's pissed about something that has nothing to do with you and he needs to vent. If he's not willing to speak to a therapist and figure out what he's really mad about, then you need to cut him out of your life. I don't think that people like this can't change. But they need to be willing to do the work.

"I have spent the past five years thinking that if I do exactly what he wants, he will eventually be satisfied."

One of the readers here, I can't remember who, once put it that in your twenties you look for someone who completes you, in your thirties you look for someone who is complete.

This guy is precisely why you stop looking for people who complete you. A relationship only really works between equals, between people who come at it from the point of view where you don't "own" the other person, and the other person doesn't own you, you own yourself, and you have decided by yourself to be with the other person.

And that other person has decided to be with you, not some pop-song version of you, not some sort of work-in-progress version of you, not a "fix me up" you, but you.

You are under no obligation to be perfect, that he has made you feel this obligation, that he has you stepping on eggshells - means you are not in an equal relationship here and it is time to get out.

He might not be abusive in general, he may be good with someone else, but with you he had you thinking that you needed to spend five years doing exactly what he wanted - is he your partner or your boss?

Please, do tell more. It's so rare that you talk about yourself.

to spend five years trying to be perfect for your BF.

This is also known as groveling and although you may keep your position as head placater inside you are shriveling day by day.Even if you were "perfect" this man's need to blame instead of learning to cope with the ups and downs of life show serious lack of inner reflection and/or a huge amount of anger(Imagine what he would do in a real crisis!) Should you achieve "perfection" he will then bring you down because you gain weight, get gray hairs,or need glasses. It will always be something because it is about HIS anger and blaming habit, not about you.

It may be great to have a BF but not at the price of losing yourself which is what is happening as you spend your time double checking everything to avoid his wrath.Constant critcism is a form of cowardly violence in which he is he cutting you up little by little.This is not love