I don't know much about your situation and won't pretend to... but from what you've shared, your guys sounds a tad OCD.

Yikes.

Run like the wind! His "condition" will most likely get a worse. Unless of course you are a fixer type and can learn to not to take anything personally or have the ability to tune people out. Don't know many of those though. At least not many who can actually hear.

Whatever you do, don't leave the cap off the toothpaste tube!

The worst bit is that he expects himself to be perfect too. He's fortunately bent to where he understands I will not be perfect - he still gets too upset about it - but the worst is watching him tear himself apart for a near-perfect achievement, where he failed on any one little tiny element.

He really thinks perfection is the norm, he's sub-par because he fails to be perfect, that whenever others fail to be perfect, they are doing it deliberately to hurt him, or similar, that houses, even houses with children look like those you see on TV and in commercials all the time, etc.

Interesting how people here are ready to lynch this guy based on a few paragraphs from only one side of the story. Relationships are complicated. And anyone who has built up frustration in a relationship is going to sound like an abused person when they unload all of that into a single letter.

What we have here, is a relationship that is disfunctional at some level. This person thinks the disfunction is in her boyfriend's desire for perfection. But it is more likely a failure to communicate (that is the fault of both sides). Cary had it right by suggesting a change in tactics and a focus on what is really important.

This is what happened to me. What was bearable when it was just the two of us turned to HELL when kids came. By which point I didn't feel like a wife and mother, I felt like an incompetent employee who was ruining our children's lives.

I ate failure for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Then I left him and have been married 9 years to a man who really does think I'm perfect. He thinks it's charming and sweet that I have foibles.

Everyone deserves to be loved with a generous heart.

When you are young, peer approval is much more important in mate (even short-term) selection. Guys want somebody good looking to impress other guys. Gals want a stable income provider, that will impress other women.

When you're older, and you've settled into a life, it becomes more about finding someone who makes you happy on a day-to-day basis. You reduce your requirements because life provides you with other sources of satisfaction and therefore the other person meeting some sort of standard becomes less important.

If someone makes you happy, you should be able to see what might be flaws in others in a positive light. For example, a neat, clean-shaven appearance is enough for me, expensive attire and excessive attention to personal appearance is a sign of self-absorption (though I enjoy seeing well-dressed men on the street).

"I have tried to gently remind him, when he is scolding me, that I have not been so hard on him when our positions were switched. When I do this, he starts to get down on himself about his previous mistakes, completely missing my point! We are both human and I do not care about his mistakes -- that is my point"

This is a TRICK it's a manipulation thing, a passive-aggressive ploy of some sort. It is to turn your sympathies toward him, to make you feel sorry for him.

You start out getting fussed at for forgetting to lock the door. You hear how dangerous it is, he'll say that he is concerned, not angry - no, he's never angry, just passionately "concerned" - and that he doesn't want someone to come in and murder you. He might say something like: Maybe you don't care about yourself and your stuff, but I do".

When you get a chance, you point out that HE forgot to lock the door just last week and you didn't scold him ad nauseum and try to make him feel guilty for it or list off the frightening possibilities.

Then he begins to scold himself, calling himself stupid for forgetting, and wondering what was wrong with him.

He is actually still scolding you. He's calling you stupid, because after all you just did the same thing. He is saying something might be wrong with you, because after all, you just did the same thing when YOU forgot to lock the door.

See how that works? When he was outright scolding You, he couldn't cross the line to calling you stupid, but once you do him the favor of letting him scold himself, he can be as viscious as he wants to.

A reasonable person, when it was pointed out that they too made the same mistake, would say - "Oh you're right, I'm sorry for getting so worked up, we're all human and we all make mistakes." -

But your BF is not a reasonable person. His unreasonableness may be willful, or he may not even be aware of it. It could be the dynamic his parents had, it's pretty common - this "but you did it too" distraction... and if you look for this dynamic in the relationships of the people around you - you'll start to notice it all over the place to varying degrees.

It's a tough row to hoe, trying to change the unreasonable to into the reasonable. Try saying, "You left the door unlocked too, and don't start pretending to be mad at yourself about it now, when you're actually mad at me. I understand you're only concerned but shut the fuck up about it and stop haranguing me."

Check out: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/manip.shtml for more (also in sig)

It seems perhaps for the sake of letter-writing brevity the LW uses the word "perfect" to encapsulate situations where her longstanding BF makes her feel like shit.

So to me it comes down to: how do you feel about yourself when you're with him?

Don't talk around it with "he wants me to be perfect," etc; just accept that you've got a BF who puts you down and makes you feel like crap.

The LW doesn't deserve this and yes, should seriously consider DTMFA.

Lastly, if this guy is able to twist words (beating himself up when she confronts him about being able to ignore his mistakes) and deflect critical discussions, the LW should know now that if she breaks up with him, he's probably going to get very ugly and accusatory. She should prepare herself to make it as short and clean as possible.

Good luck, lady.