As most others have said, dump this jerk ASAP. It is not your job to try, and inevitably fail, to fix whatever deepseated problems this abuser may have.

This relationship is over unless you enjoy being a doormat. After you've left him, see a therapist to disccover why you have wasted 5 precious years of your life on such a creep and to prevent it from happening again. The therapy is not for the purpose of reconciling with this nut.

This relationship is as dead as Monty Python's parrot. Learn from it and move on to a healthy relationship with a man who will gratefully accept you for exactly who you are.

"I have spent the past five years thinking that if I do exactly what he wants, he will eventually be satisfied."

This means you're emotionally making room for his message that being perfect is achievable and necessary (even though you really know better). This has started to effect your self image. It sounds like he is as hard on himself as he is on you and this would be a fairly toxic, tense environment. Maybe you can get through to him and get him to do some work, but I'm not real optimistic that this will happen after this long. For the sake of your own peace, be ready to go if you need to.

BTW, I had a guy like this once. He was always mad at me about some minor infraction or other. He was also one of these people who think that conflict and fighting make relationships more exciting - lord, save me from that kind of excitement!

You should make up your mind to leave, but before you do make sure to have sex with every one of his closest friends, co workers and family members. That'll teach him.

This is emotional abuse in a very big way. I am escaping with my sanity from a 22 year marriage with someone who also had "high expectations" about what I did, how I did it, when I did it... You will never make him happy. Please, for your sake, get out now. Cary may not like labels like sociopath or narcissist, but FYI: your guy is a flaming narcissist. It will only get worse. Please read this article

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html

It will probably confirm what you already know to be true. Don't waste time, don't feel guilty... believe me, he won't. You won't be hurting his feelings, because he doesn't have any. Take care of yourself, and leave before he makes you incapable of leaving. No amount of counselling will fix this. Just leave.

Color Theory, I understand what you're saying, but she's already done what you're suggesting, and no one should have to daily have to defend what she says or does.

The boyfriend probably does have good qualities, but he also is the whole package, which includes the verbal abuse. And it IS abusive, tiring and emotionally wearing.

She needs to leave, and if he genuinely does change after she has left the situation, she can decide whether she wants to revisit it.

It has been five years, and the entire time, he has been unable to accept who you are. That's not good.

How are you going to feel when this man criticizes your children the way he does you?

... for an abusive person. Ever! They will invent things to abuse you for. And this guy is just too petty for words.

But the most important thing is, you've been dealing with this for five years. If you didn't need help before you need it now. I wonder what happened to you in your family life that would make you tolerate such treatment? Please get some counseling, LW, and good luck!

That is all.

RE: I know that he is not perfect, so it is a very simple matter to forgive him when he forgets to pick up milk, or overdraws on his checking account, or missteps, as we all do, every day.

I have tried to gently remind him, when he is scolding me, that I have not been so hard on him when our positions were switched.

I don't trust this. I sense someone who might very well be someone who very much notices everyday missteps, and lets her partner know, in subtle ways, his immature, inadequate, childish errors, and how they accrue . . . . Because its done with sublety, and perhaps because of her partner's desire to turn on himself in fights, the "official" take on the situation can be of her as "gentle" and him as hard, as him with the problem, her as problem addresser, and you as substantiation of her preferred take of the "matter."

Possible.

re: RE: I know that he is not perfect, so it is a very simple matter to forgive him when he forgets to pick up milk, or overdraws on his checking account, or missteps, as we all do, every day. I have tried to gently remind him, when he is scolding me, that I have not been so hard on him when our positions were switched.

I don't trust this. I sense someone who might very well be someone who very much notices everyday missteps, and lets her partner know, in subtle ways, his immature, inadequate, childish errors, and oh how they accrue . . . . Because its done with sublety, and perhaps because of her partner's desire to turn on himself in fights, the "official" take on the situation can be of her as "gentle" and him as hard, as him with the problem, her as problem addresser, and you as substantiation of her preferred take of the "matter."

Possible.

...if you want to spend the rest of your life living with a hanging judge. It's true more often than not that people who secretly feel they are a disordered mess deep down are the worst control freaks. And they are the most insecure and overly-sensitive about their mistakes, as well. I've lived with a perfectionist, and trust me, they only get worse. They never get any better unless they get therapy--and they won't do it because they see that as admitting they are a "mess" and not in control. Their need for control eventually outweighs _everything_--caring about other people, happiness, even just being able to relax and enjoy simple things. And though they may start out feeling guilty about their flaws when you bring them up, eventually they will start blaming you for those flaws because admitting they make mistakes means--again--admitting they aren't in control. And if boyfriend is nitpicking _now_, how do you think he's going to be if you get married and bring heavier issues into the mix--kids, money, illness, careers, etc., etc.? Final question--if a man can only love you when you are "perfect," how can he love you at all? How can love be love if it makes you feel jumpy, guilty, and miserable? Unless boyfriend is willing to get help, drop him--it is not worth the ton more o' grief he will most assuredly give you.