You do not need to leave your boyfriend if you don't want to . But perhaps you might take an assertiveness course, so you can stand up, calmly but clearly, for yourself (worked for me - after a few false starts). And yup, stop trying to be perfect - or even good. You are not his project. You do not need to be 'fixed'. You are fine exactly as you are!

I didn't get the sense from the letter that the boyfriend is abusive, but rather that he has LW up on a pedestal and places unrealistic expectations on her. Maybe I'm reading the tone of the letter wrong. Still, I think it's definitely worth giving Cary's approach a try. If LW lets him know how his actions are affecting her and he is unable (or unwilling) to change, THEN it will be time to think about breaking up.

This is so easy for people to say. At first I thought, well, maybe Cary's right - at least give the guy a chance to understand what's going on, how you feel about his criticism.

He could be depressed, etc. He could figure it out. He could stop and think - when he's able. Sometimes he won't be able.

Okay, maybe it's worth a try, right?

But what if you have kids? It's hard to express just how horrific this behavior would be for a child. It hurts you; it would literally change the brain chemistry, the world view, the self-esteem, the emotional health, of a child.

I met a guy just yesterday who would get beaten if he vacuumed the carpet and didn't line up the vacuum marks. His dad had OCD. He didn't get treatment for the OCD, and the kids suffered.

If your boyfriend has some underlying thing, doesn't have to be "mental illness" but some trauma or neurosis or phobia or fear that becomes overwhelming when things seem chaotic to him, he can get help for this. He could break through.

But if you tell him how harmful his behavior is and he says "well, okay, I'll try" - that's not enough. Something's up with him. He needs to find out what that is, get professional help, because you know what? It isn't about YOU at all.

And it wouldn't be about the kids either, but they won't know that before they're severely damaged because they never learn to be okay with being beautiful, flawed human beings.

Well there's your problem.

If he is down on himself and any imperfections, then he will be down on you too. This isn't about you trying to please him or be perfect. This is about him engaging in negative self talk and projecting on to you as an extension of himself.

My guy was kind of like this at times and still is from time to time. His issue was any little thing going wrong there had to be someone to blame and if I wouldn't accept blame then he would sarcastically blame himself. "oh, I guess it's MY FAULT then." Like, one of us forgot to turn off the lights before going to bed. Not a huge deal, but you sort of check yourself so you will remember next time.

Usually giving him some food would put him in a better mood. I would just tell him, not everything is a "fault" situation life is just a bit messy at times and some things need fixing so the appropriate thing to do is fix them. Mop up the spilt and move on.

This didn't really solve the problem.

I finally told him that he had a negative self-image and if he was going to put himself down for dumb things that was his problem but I wasn't going to accept his projecting his negative self-image on to me. I am someone with a relatively healthy self image (with some definite blind spots of course)

but I make it a point intentionally not to engage in destructive self talk.

I reminded him that he was initially attracted to me as a confident person and I wasn't going to accept him putting me down over insignificant issues that everyone has to deal with as part of life's little realities and inconveniences. Over time, he began to identify with me and so thought he could do the same negative self talk with me as he does with himself. But if I accepted that talk from him, it would diminish my confidence and interfere with my ability to solve problems as opposed to wallowing in them.

I think I only had that conversation once with him and it was like I could see that the light bulb went off. He changed considerably after that. He still gets down on both of us from time to time out of old habits, but not as much as he once did, and again, a healthy snack and a verbal reality check can usually perk him up and get him in a productive mood again.

Just for what it is worth-- if you don't call your guy out on what he is doing in a way that makes him understand that he repeating some kind of relic old habit from his low-self-esteem teenage years, he will probably keep doing it.

But understand this has nothing to do with you as a person. You seem emotionally healthy and maybe you can teach him how to be healthier too. If after trying out the advice your receive here he won't change,by all means move on from him.

He will get the lesson crystal clear then and you will have given him a valuable lesson on relationships that his next girlfriend will thank you for.

Which means, if you're 'perfect' all the time, there's no room for growth. It's the nature of the non-living to be perfect and unchangeable, it's the nature of the living and human to be in constant change - for the better or the worse, it's your choice.

You can only grow up or down - you *cannot* stay the same. It's impossible unless you're dead, and even then, you're decaying.

My first reaction was the same as most of the posters here - DTMFA. Cary may be right that your BF is simply unaware of how his actions affect you - only you can really be the judge of that. If he really cannot see how his actions hurt you, that everyone makes little errors here and there that are best met with a shrug, then yes, DTMFA.