Oh my goodness, this is my 2nd husband, the one who was a Navy officer, who flew a helicopter in Vietnam rescuing downed flight crews. Everyone thought he was perfect. Women and his family adored him and he enjoyed it. In his Naval Academy yearbook, he was "honorable." During our marriag, if someone threw away the spices at the family cabin (him) I was blamed. If the car wasn't there for "baby" sister to borrow, I was blamed. Of course, he enjoyed explaining later that he had done it so he could embarrass that person too. If I complained about the "baby" sister's behavior, I was "picking on a young girl" (of 29). We were arguing about a chair (Why? dont know) that I must have critized and I gradually worked the argument around to where I was defending the chair and he was critizing it. When I pointed that out, he went blank. These people do not want to have peace. Their identity is caught up in being oppositional, otherwise they would cease to exist. I made noises in my throat, I locked my knees, I bit my mouth (and his adorable drug-abusing shoplifter perfect sister took a picture of me just to make sure I was humiliated, which I wasn't). I tried to get rid of him so many times and he would fall apart crying. It seemed so much effort. Finally I got pregnant at 42 because I thought at least I would have the baby in my life. He sat at pregnancy meetings with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Unfortunately the baby was stillborn at 24 weeks, which was devastating, but now it was confirmed I was a failure. and he fell in what passes for love with an old girlfriend in Germany he hadn't seen in 20 years (they had a son he hadn't seen either). WHen he came back from visiting the son (I thought), she kept calling and hanging up until I handed the phone to him. He told me then he was going to take 6 months to decide which one of us he wanted. I said he could leave right now or cut it off. (Why do we hang on? We had been together for 17 years with 16-1/2 years of crap) At that point, the former Navy helicopter pilot cracked up and needed a 6-month psych leave from work. He was crying and shivering every day when I arrived home from work. Finally I woke up. I had to get him out. I got him to go live in his rental property and we divorced. 10 years later he called me up saying he must have been crazy to leave me and we could be having so much fun and that he loved me. Yuk. The woman he married does not speak English so things got "stressful." Yes, he had dressed me in his choice of clothes, but went nuts about things I wore that he had not picked out. He had even wanted to exchange them right after I bought them, right there in the store. After he married the foreign lady, the first item of his I got in the mailbox (he had not changed that address yet) was a Macy's bill for...all new shoes, etc so he could dress his new babydoll.

I am told she is suspicious because she thinks he still loves me. I saw her downtown scowling at me and holding her (not his) child close as though I were a kidnapper. Of course its my fault, he is never to blame. Run foreign lady run!

I dated a guy like that. At first I thought he was awesome - handsome, smart and sexy. As I got to know him better I learned that he was a serious narcissist - wanting all the women to want him, etc. etc. He began to drop little comments like "Boy you're in a weird mood today." Wha? So I'd tell him hey, stop baiting me. You know that you push my buttons when you say things like this. Please stop doing it.

Nope. 2 days later, same thing. "Why are you in such a bad mood?"

I dumped his a&&. Things are much more peaceful now.

Get rid of the guy.

Just Sayin'.

LW --

(1) If you were to stay with this man for the next two, three, five, or ten years, might you be tempted to cheat one day? Could you build a life with this person without being vulnerable to the first guy who comes around, talks sweet, and seems to like you exactly as you are?

(2) Kids whose parents treated them this way can hardly wait to leave home, and often will never get over it. A certain ache stays with them forever. Kids run away from this, as soon as they can. Why are you chosing it?

(3) Let's say you are at a restaurant and you drop your purse. Your boyfriend says, "Oh, sweetie, you've dropped your purse. Here, let me get it for you." Does this sound remarkable to you, like an impossible sentence you will never hear said to you, ever, for the rest of your life, no matter what you do?

Just what have you allowed yourself to get used to?

There is no such thing as a perfect person. There is no such thing as a normal family.

Grow up.

This has been a wonderful discussion to read. Aside from the terminally snarky and unuseful comments, there has been a lot here about the nature of relationships.

As I read, I started relating to the LW, having escaped a harshly critical charmer myself a time or two. I remember how hard it was to get out, how difficult to reassess myself and rebuild my self-image after. I remember the tug-of-war in myself, trying to deal with what I adored vs. what was hurting me. But as I read on, I started remembering (with some shame) a time when I was the critic. The guy would roll over when I demanded, so I kept demanding more. I enjoyed the feeling of dominance but I found I rather despised the person for permitting me to berate him. I also despised myself for going there. As a relationship, this pattern does not work for either. (At least, it does not work for me, no matter which end of the stick I held.) (I have my own issues, of course.) Neither are good heads to be in, and it is a hard pattern to break. Perhaps there are people who need this sort of twisted relationship, who respond comfortably to those dynamics -- but, hon, they have major issues.

Control, it seems, can be a bit addictive, and the controller seldom respects the person who keeps caving. When the nagged person set boundaries for the nagger, the relationship either improves or ends. This rather depends on whether there is any feeling left. It also depends on whether the feelings were based in the unbalanced nature of the relationship. Some people, sadly, cannot function in a balanced relationship and do not want one.

So, LW, the question is whether the relationship can be saved. You are in it. Start, NOW, setting boundaries very clearly and forcefully, as villagejonesy suggests. Don't waver. Don't cave. Respect and love yourself. Be kind to yourself and to him. See what happens. See if he has enough love and respect and kindness for the real person you are to pay attention.

You will have your answer on whether to stay or go soon enough.