Life would be so much easier, but men have egos. Egos dictate that what they say and think are pretty much alike, a thought without question, of "am I hurting someones feelings"? That sequence of words seldom seem to squirt out of a guys mouth, I don't quite understand what the dogma is, but it is there. It further strains relationships due to feeling dumped on, so then what do you do? Waltz away and pretend of course to be hard, which most women do, other wise some women might put their guy straight and be like, "uh I don't think this is the way we want to communicate, right"? Some times people accomdate, but are also secretly resentful, that is not great either. So in those quiet moments while there is no danger present, refrain from the situation, take a deep breath and remind him, "I am not perfect". If he looks at you like you have 2 heads, say yes, one is accoustomed to taking your insults, the other knows I am just being nice and phony at the same time.

The problem is that the BF can't forgive himself for small mistakes.

I'm sure that there is a label for this sort of thing, but this is just how he views the world. He is probably much harder on himself than on you.

So, this is about him. When he is critical.

He is unlikely to ever "get it."

That should inform your decisions. If you stay in the relationship, you will need well defined boundaries and a certain degree of detachment to manage this.

If you can't live with it for the rest of your life, the time to cut loose is tomorrow.

Luck -- which I'm afraid you will need.

when a woman does this to a man.

I saw it happen just last week, at the home of a married couple who are deeply unhappy. They are both great people, just not great together, which made this all the more sad. When I left, I had a hard time keeping from bawling my eyes out, the feeling in the house was that bad.

And I almost never cry. Seriously. Months go by, major things happen, I keep a stiff upper lip.

I did this time as well, but it was damned hard. The husband looked like he wouldn't mind going to sleep and never waking up again.

I'm curious, too -- you've never seen a man flip out and do something violent after a great, big, unremitting dose of "you can't do anything right?"

I'm not justifying it. There is no justification.

I am making an observation, phrased as a question. Because I have seen it and I do not believe I'm the only one. This is not exactly rare. My point is that a real risk exists, regardless of which party is dishing this out.

But apart from "risks" and all that -- there is no quicker way to turn life into poison. That's not a "risk" that may or may not materialize, that's what this does to a person.

It also leads to physical ailments. I suffered from IBS, nausea, high blood pressure, gall stones, menstrual irregularities and other minor ailments. Since divorcing my husband of 22 years, I am off all medications and have never felt better. Oh, and did I mention the anti-depressants?

It took years before he raised a hand to me, but other types of abuse he engaged in (after years of "only" criticism) included economic, sexual, and psychological abuse. It will NOT get better, LW. If you feel you are walking on eggshells, and that nothing you do is good enough, please leave. Soon. You will find that you are a wonderful person and that many people appreciate you for who you are. And if he ever even pushes you, that is the time to get out immediately. I did, and I'll never regret it.

So when LW's boyfriend tells her "you're perfect" he's putting her on a pedestal from which she's going to fall and end up splat on the ground, revealed to be an imposter. Merely mortal and not infalliable.

It's quite a different thing to say, "you're perfect for me" or "we're perfect together." But those who harp on the shortcomings of others generally do so to avoid taking stock of their own limitations.

I, too, have become obsessed with the cleanliness of my house. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time vacuuming than anything else. (We have 1 dog and 3 very fluffy cats, so you can see why the vacuuming is necessary). I was embarassed by my parents house as a child. I don't want to be like that. My parents are wonderful people, but they don't know how to keep house. So when my husband throws a load of lights and darks in the dryer at the same time, I sometimes lose my mind. I yell at him! And I know deep down he is the important thing in my life, but why oh why does he have to do stuff like that? Why can't he throw his beer tops in the trash can? Why is that so freaking difficult?

My father likes a neat house but was willing to do his fair share to keep it that way. If my mother had been a complete slob that would have been a problem, though her tolerance for mess is greater than his.

The neighbors used to joke, "After parties your father would be waving good-bye with one hand and have the vacuum cleaner in the other." His younger brother would come for a visit and it wasn't clear he'd ever put a dish in the dishwasher, never mind washed one. Yet they are very close and enjoy each other's company immensely.

I went to buy a special catnip toy for my cat and discovered the crafts person was no longer making them. It was a bit of a relief, I don't have to clean catnip out of my new carpet! But when I saw something similar this morning, I bought it for her. The pleasure she gets out of ripping it apart and my enjoyment in watching her outweighs the mess. A spanking clean house can bring peace of mind, but joy?