yes, when the man is controlling it more often leads to violence.

as a woman, i find it a little frightening when men are critical/controlling because of the (suggestion of) underlying anger. and because we're taught that these behaviors can lead to physical abuse down the line. men don't have this extra layer of anxiety when women criticize them...although they may have their own distinctive issues.

(by the way, i don't mean to be hetero-normative. i'm just speaking from my experience.)

First, thank you Cary for posting this and to LW for sharing her concerns.

I don't want to make this about me, but to all those who either think leaving is the quick and easy answer or who don't get why LW doesn't just leave, please understand - five years of being criticized - daily, by someone you love, trust (especially in the beginning), want to please, who provides just by the length of time and intensity of being your guy/gal a measure of your self worth and identity.

You come, as she did, to question things. You come to question when criticized - did I do that wrong? Is it my fault? You come to question - something about what he said or did feels over the top, too much or too often - but maybe its me, maybe I am too sensitive?

You come, in other words, to question your own judgement. It doesn't feel right to be constantly on edge, to adjust your moods to someone elses, to double check each action. In a world where daily, you are criticized on the minute and mundane, the big questions like - is this normal? should I stay? become like an unpaid bill that requires an answer but has no deadline. So you stay another day, a week. It gets better. It gets worse. It gets to be five years.

Only she can answer if she should stay or go and none of us can diagnose him from this letter.

He may well be a totally awful jerk with some amazing qualities as well.

But know this - emotional abuse may lead to physical abuse. yes. But emotional abuse on one level is physical abuse - to be constantly at stress levels in your body wears you down, migraines, high blood pressure, clenched teeth, stiff muscles.

Its just that by allowing it to go on, you do it to yourself.

and the time it takes to cope, to set things right inside your head or heart or in the relationship eat your life away - time spent trying to figure out how to be better is time not writing that song, pursuing that passion, reaching out to someone else. It keeps you mentally always in the relationship, focused on him and his needs. It will eat you till you begin to anticipate it and "eat" at yourself trying to be better. and then you wake up one day and realize that your life has flattened. Your friends are few because you spend so much time with him or you are just an unhappy tense person now.

Then - its not about him but you.

Is this making you happy?

Is this how you want to live?

Is this a relationship that allows you to grow and reach your potential, feed your soul?

is this a relationship that allows your life to enlarge in wonderful ways?

Well and thoughtfully said.

--Villagejonesy

--I'm not sure anyone would have the time or energy to discuss all the points you're making...that's a lot of material to read through.

-- kansasgirl

True, it's too much to read through unless someone had been concentrating on each post just after I wrote it.

Main points:

1) The LW should learn to clearly and assertively set boundaries, in a serious tone. She should start now, and if her man refuses to discuss it or seek counseling about it, she should leave.

2) If she hasn't been serious and clear in the way she's put it to him, he will not have heard any clear message that what he's doing is wrong. She needs to do so, or she's only willing the problem to the next guy.

3) We don't know in any way that the guy is certainly a criminal who's going to explode in movie violence. He might be. Those who have argued so are not necessarily wrong, though jumping to conclusions and saying he MUST be is wrong, in my opinion. The LW should leave immediately if she thinks there's a credible threat of this. If he's not, he might well just be a harpy, like many harpies, who's been allowed to go from dominant to domineering and completely unreasonable, because he's never been called out about it from the start. Anyone not wanting similar conclusions to be drawn about them, should allow that one should reserve judgment.

He COULD be dangerous, sure. But people could just be punching their doorlocks because a black man walked by.

--She needs to do [state her objections clearly and seriously], or she's only willing the problem to the next guy.

Um, should say "girl," of course. Although I do think she'd only face the same problem in her next relationship, too.

There are three ways of dealing with hang-ups, snags and stumbling blocks:

1- Change your consciousness

2- Avoid what sets you off

3- Try to change your world

Enlightened people work on their own stuff. Neurotics run away from their stuff. Personality disorder folks buy all your clothes and tell you how to wear your hair and send you to the dermatologist because they don’t like that flaw.

Who are you and who do you want to be with?

In such a situation, it is a far better idea to cut your losses by ending the relationship, no matter how emotionally attached you may have become. Otherwise this kind of controlling behavior is far more likely to escalate and intensify-rather than decline-as the relationship progresses.

http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/06/11/01/excessively-controlling-behavior-in-love-relationships.htm

Dear LW,

I am so glad you wrote to Cary. As many other women posters have noted---please just leave.

Like so many others, I tried to be perfect for a partner and lived for ten years with escalating verbal abuse. In many ways,verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse and severely erodes self-esteem. Eventually I learned to forgive myself for putting up with his abusive behaviour (smart middle class women are supposed to know better!) and finally figured out why I had stayed with this man (re-creating family of origin patterns).

I would like to share with you a couple of books that really helped me think things through and understand his behaviour and learn to set boundaries for myself:

As several posters have noted, the classic "Verbal Abuse" by Patricia Evans. The author explains how women with good intent but no boundaries don't recognize men with bad intent. She also labels the types of verbally abusive behaviours (very helpful).

When I read this book it felt like the universe shifted dimensions, because I had been so blind to my ex's bad intent towards me. (It also helped when I finally began keeping an secret online journal so I became conscious of his constant abuse).

I had thought that if only I explained it well-enough he would understand. Wrong. In his world view, he was the only person that counted and my feelings did not matter. Worse, he actually felt better, but only momentarily, about being the "victor" while perennially casting me as the "loser".

"Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft who notes that only 10% of men who abuse learn to change, the other men in abuse prevention programs just become more sophisticated abusers.

"Family and Friends Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk and Take Action When Someone You Care About is Being Abused" by Elaine Weiss, Ed.D. The author experienced an abusive marriage and writes with so much kindness, compassion and insight. Her book really helped me to be kind to myself and to reach out to her others who are in the same crazy-making relationships.

(And yes, abuse happens in same-sex relationships and sometimes women can be the abusers in heterosexual relationships but not nearly as often as men.)

My gut shouts out: leave!! leave!! leave!! and please be careful (seriously, have a safety plan).

It is so much better on the other side. Me, and lots of other women, have been there and got out. And it is so worth it.

Take care, be good to yourself, you come first.