Mmm... hey Amanda, are you seriously telling me that if someone kept records of your arguments with your own significant other, you wouldn't come off exactly like the guy? It seems to me that you would. Sure, you'd have a perfect justification for every time you control-freaked your partner, or argued him or her down to the ground every time they disagreed with your point of view, but you're a poster child for it. Sorry, but you seem just like him.

Weren't you going out of town?

I'm logged in at the hotel computer. If you want to actually engage the points that I'm making, feel free, that would be refreshing. Otherwise, just repeat that anyone who control-freaks is a dangerous person who should be fled immediately, as Amanda seems to want to do.

The things you describe could be better classified as undesirable tendencies or bad habits.

I am not justifying an abusive pattern of behavior - I am trying to illuminate the deeper and paradoxical reality of everyone's pyscho-emotional baggage. It is obvious (again from what has been written having only one side of the story) that they both have some pretty deep and unresolved issues that need to be unpacked, addressed, and reconciled - but the reality is we all do - and always will in every relationship. Talk to any couple who have been married for 30 40 or 50 years or more about how much they endured to make it to where they are.

Most relationships start out at a disadvantage because you have some pretty raw materials to start with

People have spoken much about the boyfriend's pattern of projecting his own shortcomings onto LW - Not realizing that the moment they begin to introduce their own personal experiences and unresolved issues from the past as examples for why she should get out - they become guilty of doing what they accuse him of doing.

The second we flip that switch and begin to give advice based on our own experiences (whether owned and actualized or not) we are in essence guilty of projecting because you may have similar circumstances and patterns of behavior but two entirely different people and therein lies both the presumption and the hypocrisy.

To the LW:

It should be very clear, since I've said it so many times, but again, I realize that we do not know how strongly or weakly you attempted to set boundaries. If you really feel you did so in clear language, in the way that JugSouthgate suggests, for example, then (again), I would say leave your man. If not (again), I would advise that you put it as strongly as JugS suggests, and I would say make joint therapy a condition for continuing in the relationship.

But even if you do leave him, I would advise being honest with yourself about whether you really have set boundaries. "Nutty" though Amanda Marcotte may pronounce it, Amanda Marcotte and I plainly disagree. Any relationship you get into will need you both to set boundaries with one another. If you don't do so, you won't be happy. Do look into this carefully. It is crucial to your future happiness. Be well, and I hope that you come to your happy life with someone.

about what is important in life.

In the years to come, you and your closest friends will (1) lose jobs; (2) struggle with substance abuse -- their own or their family's; (3) have children with significant health issues, developmental delays, or emotional problems; (4) bury a good friend; (5) bury a brother or sister; (6) bury an aunt or uncle; (7) bury a parent; (8) care for a severely disabled parent or other disabled family member; (9) bury a child. Among other things. Notice I haven't even mentioned bankruptcy, auto accidents that don't result in major injuries, a flood that destroys everything in your basement, or the loss of health insurance. That's second-tier stuff.

If you are with someone who does not know when life is GOOD, and even worse, does not know how to ENJOY life when it's so damned good, that is not a small thing. That is a big problem.

Anyone who thinks that if you drop your purse, that is "something" -- I mean, anyone who identifies that act as "something happened today" has a big problem. The day you dropped your purse, LW, nothing happened. The day you left the computer room door open, nothing happened. NOTHING.

When are you planning to savor the good stuff?

And what are you waiting for?

dump him...find someone without this particular defect, it doesn't work with your personality.

I'm not sure anyone would have the time or energy to discuss all the points you're making...that's a lot of material to read through.

It seems as if there is a collision between the male and female perspective on this issue and many of the poster's appear to be emotionally overinvested.

At a minimum...that means that this is not a unique problem...from the sound of things it appears to be quite common.

Any one of the things that have been suggested could very well happen...then again none of them may happen. It may escalate into physical violence, or he could have a genuine conversion experience and turn into a better man than the "awesome great perfect guy" many of you profess to now be married to.

We don't have to live with the outcome of the decision we are encouraging her to make - which is why it is so easy for us to give advice. Now for the question...How many of you would take your own advice and ACTUALLY do...what you are suggesting that she should do?

isn't it different when a man is controlling and critical vs. when a woman is? i think there is.

i know i'm going to take some heat for this but...

ABSOLUTELY...It is one of the classic double standards rooted in male/female communication dynamics and the embedded social perception about male/female roles.

You know you're going to have to stop the bleeding on this now right?