He *could* have Asperger's, but it really, really doesn't sound like it from what the LW says. ASPies are particular and hypersensitive about their environments, but I've know several, and they're all, down to the last one, extremely accepting and forgiving of simple human differences. Probably because they take so much crap for their own differences, they're too busy trying to figure out how not to piss off other people themselves.

i forgot to mention eggshells. there's always the eggshells walking on thing. i also forgot to mention gaslighting. but these two have already been discussed. also somebody above mentioned reading "the verbally abusive relationship", you can preview the first few pages on amazon. there's a quiz. i scored me a 9 out of 10 out of being abused upon. the book says that 2 out of 10 means trouble.

until you do this:

The next time you make a tiny mistake[1] and he starts to scold, hold up one hand and say "Stop, please" as calmly and clearly as you can.

Then say: "Yes, I made a tiny mistake. I will now correct it. It really hurts me when you overreact and make a big deal out of a small mistake."

Then fix the mistake and go on with life.

If he doesn't just drop the issue IMMEDIATELY, take your keys/wallet/phone and go for a walk or a drive until he calms down. Don't reward his behavior with your presence or your attention.

If he calms down and wants to talk seriously, you just tell him that if he wants to be with you he has to treat you appropriately when you make a mistake. No recriminations about the past, no comparisons to his behavior, no big lecture, just a clear description of appropriate behavior.[2]

If he doesn't change his behavior real quick, THEN you dump him.

There are two reasons for the above approach.

First, he may not understand what you're feeling. Or he may not know how you want him to behave. Those things must be made clear to him so that he has a chance to fix them.

Second, it's important that you learn to be clear about what you will and won't accept from a boyfriend, because if you don't, you'll just repeat the pattern with the next one.

---

Many years ago I was in a relationship with a woman who, after a time, behaved similarly to what LW describes.

For the first couple of months it was sheer heaven. I thought we were a perfect match.

But then she began to find things about me that "needed fixing". My clothes, my haircut, my home, my friends, my job, how I spent my time, etc., were all open for "improvement". And some of the things she wanted *were* improvements.

But there was no end to it. Each change I made simply opened the door to more changes. I spent less and less time with my friends and activities and more and more time trying to please her. I was convinced that I could be the perfect guy she'd thought I was at the beginning, and that we'd get back to the sheer-heaven stage again.

What I didn't do was to set clear limits and say "Stop".

That relationship ended (casts eyes heavenward, says "THANK YOU!!" for the 10,000th time) when an old boyfriend of hers called her up and wanted to get back together. Oddly enough, HE wouldn't put up with her complaints, and she behaved very differently with him because he set clear limits.

---

[1] There are all kinds of mistakes, some of which are much more important than others.

Some mistakes can have life-ending consequences, such as not following safe-driving rules or handling food or dangerous substances carelessly.

Other mistakes may not be life-threatening but can have serious consequences such as forgetting car maintenance (resulting in breakdowns and big repair bills), not making various payments on time (resulting in a damaged credit rating and money wasted on late fees).

And then there are tiny mistakes that are simply annoying, such as forgetting the dry cleaning or leaving the computer room door open.

Be sure that your tiny mistakes really are tiny.

[2] It's not abuse to point out someone's mistakes - if it's done right. There's a big difference between "Please close the computer room door" and "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO CLOSE THE COMPUTER ROOM DOOR?? WHY CAN'T YOU DO THAT ONE SIMPLE THING?

oh, gosh, i have never posted on this ever, but i registered just to say - get out. i had a boyfriend like this. after 6 months i hated myself, i felt so low, but when i imagined breaking up with him, well... it seemed like it would be awful. he did it for me, and i have never felt better. seriously, within a day i felt so light and free. my guess is, he won't change. take care of yourself.

I find myself mildly amused with the contradictory and somewhat hypocritical position that many of you appear to have adapted.

On the one hand you say LW should leave her boyfriend because of his unaccepting unbending and overly critical nature. Which from what has been shared at least (only receiving one side of this story and all) are obvious psycho/emotional issues he certainly needs to address.

But...doesn't that simply mean that he is wonderfuly flawed and imperfect just like LW is...actually like we all are? I believe it is disengenuous to say on the one hand that she should leave her boyfriend because of his flaws...and turn around and encourage LW by telling her it is OK to be flawed.

I am not condoning his behavior, I am trying to cut through the clutteral advice

It would be perfectly fine if the BF also left the LW over her flaws...flaws which are OK from her point of view.

What most people here are talking about is abusive behavior.

to wordsmiff,

you have a point. but i guess the acid test in determining when to practice tolerance and when to run is whether your partner's flaws are detrimental to you. being constantly criticizing can wear you down after a while, as many posters will attest to...