I want to make it clear, though, that although I said this below, IF HE IS NOT WILLING TO RESPECT HER WHEN SHE DOES SPEAK UP, or go to counseling and work it through, then he is choosing his pathology over the relationship, and I would then argue that she should leave him.

But I think there's a lot of "aah, let's just pretend he's a wife-beater so we can bolt and not think about it" here. You can't declare that two-way conversation with this guy is impossible, without ever actually offering to begin the dialogue in the first place. Obviously, though we can all see he's wrong, he thinks this is workable behavior. He won't get that without being spoken to clearly. Declaring we know it can never work without ever trying seems a pretty obvious cop-out. If people weren't trying to cop out, then I think those who survived experiences like this would have spoken up clearly about it to their partner, though some of them, I'm sure, did so. But I bet anything that not all of them did.

Cop-out.

She has talked to him. You're not listening. She has "tried to gently remind him, when he is scolding me, that I have not been so hard on him ... "

he'll hate you forever if you leave him. but he has already decided that hates you forever, otherwise he would not act like he does. he will continue to be infinitely and minutely critical of anything you do right, even if you think it through to the utmost degree and try to please him. no matter what, there are always more ways for him to criticize than there are ways to do things either right or wrong. it is a form of abuse. he'll have good days, and even good weeks, when you might think he's made a turn. but he never will, and never will be able to, even if he thinks he might, or says he can change. no amount of anger or resentment on your part will change him. anger and resentment are the normal response to this abuse. but it will not work. and then your anger and abuse might change to forgiveness. but that will not work either. reasoning is the next step, but you see where this is going. and if you think having kids will help, then he will make sure they turn on you as well. not immediately, but over time, and will eventually turn them into the monster he doesn't see in himself. in his eyes you're the bad one. but you're not. it never gets better. good luck.

I'm saying, "clearly," meaning "assertively," though not aggressively and angrily. "Gently reminding him" doesn't sound like "look--I have a serious issue with this. It's unacceptable to me."

This sort of "oh, we've talked about it, sure," thing, if she's said some sort of wispy little thing and hasn't made clear that it's a deal-breaker, hardly lets him know that he's really got to change. It says, "it's okay if you don't change." She should put it in clear language, that if it doesn't end, she goes, and that if their current way of communicating isn't getting it over, they need to go to counseling, or it's a deal-breaker. She doesn't indicate anything like what I said below about "setting boundaries." If she'd spoken that clearly for five years, then yes, I would agree, leave immediately.

I'm afraid that I have to go on a trip, so I won't be able to address much more, before I go, and the letters thread will be closed when I get back.

I feel strongly that the LW hasn't been clear, assertive and not aggressive, about setting boundaries. If she HAS been so clear, for five years, and he really isn't listening, then she should leave, and tell him that's why. But if it's just "gentle reminders" with no clarity of how serious it is for her, then he has never been told clearly that what he's doing is serious; how on earth would he have changed, then, if he never even got a clear message about it? Also, I think that "gently reminding him" of things, without being clear that you're setting a boundary, and then popping up later to say "I told you but you never listened" is a copout. Did you say "hey, this is serious, and I want you to listen to me"? Or did you chide him using the same tone as when he leaves the toilet paper roll empty?

She should say, in a serious tone, you need to come to counseling with me to talk about this and work it through; if he does, then he can finally get this message, and she can learn how to give this message. Both are needed. He needs to respect her boundaries, and dammit, she needs to respect her own boundaries too. Hey lady, speak up! And you, guy, listen! And vice versa.

I also think it's very possible, what another writer below said: he may just be being a dick because he wants the relationship to end, and he doesn't want to be the bad guy and end it. I've seen that happen. He should know he's behaving like a dick, and he is also probably doing it for some subconscious reason, that he isn't aware of, so maybe that is it.

But the lady should still learn to speak up clearly and set boundaries.

(Please forgive the multiple posts, I'm just trying to anticipate all arguments, since I'm getting out the door)

I appreciate those here who actually were with someone like this, but who, rather than being a man or woman who was a pain in the ass nag, or trying to get the other person to end the relationship, were actually with someone who turned physically abusive. I know, also, that the sort of loud tone of your calls to leave without trying to get counseling and talk it through, are because you're worried about a potentially life-threatening experience with the guy. It's possible. Not Certain; we don't know that the LW's husband is some cartoon movie-villain yet. But possible. I do share this worry, although I think that if control-freaking, even slightly crazy control-freaking, automatically meant someone was physically dangerous, then an awful lot of people I've known, men and women, would be jailed immediately.

But LW: if you do judge, based on your experience with this man, that there really is a credible threat that he might be one of these sorts of people, then yes, pack up while he's out of town and bolt, if you do feel that there may be a credible danger.