(Continuing to read other letters below) Taking up from what someone said below:

--Women also seem to expect the same of men, and to expect that men will just naturally know what the woman wants without having to be asked because THAT'S LOVE AND HE SHOULD KNOW!!!

--Some men are good at knowing when a thing bothers you, and stopping. Others need to be told explicitly, and it sounds like your guy is one of those who needs to be told explicitly. In a way, you've been telling him that all the criticism is ok by (1) making changes in response to what he said, and (2) never telling him it bothered you for five years.

Has she told him clearly all along? Or has she gone along without saying a single thing with the mouth God/FSM gave her? Sure, the guy SHOULD know, if he's getting ridiculous like the LW's husband; but I can't help thinking that the LW has simply floated along without ever saying, "hey, this is going to be unacceptable to me if it continues." I grasp that among those writing in, there are probably some who did tell the other person clearly, and they were actually so far gone that telling them clearly didn't help.

But if this is a guy, fucked up though he may be, who needed some guidance from you, and you just airily let it go, even though it was this unacceptable, and never said anything or gave him such guidance? Then your jettisoning him abruptly, still without sitting down and having a clear discussion about why, will neither address his problem, nor yours. Won't this just lead possibly to getting in further relationships where you won't bother ever to communicate with your partner about important things?

As usual, Cary's advice is useless. This man is an abusive, controlling narcissist who cannot be reasoned with a la Cary's we're-all-a-little-flawed-we-just-need-someone-to-sit-us-down-and-talk-us-through-it world view. The man obviously covers his own insecurities by inflaming and provoking his girlfriend's, and this will never change. Move on, Trying--find a reasonable person with some measure of self-assurance and mental health. They do exist. No one deserves to be endlessly harangued and criticized and demeaned; you've done enough work in this relationship for little return, it sounds like. You can't be expected to reform your controlling partner too. And while you're at it, refer to Dan Savage's column Savage Love for realistic, practical, anti-head-in-the-clouds advice instead of Cary's naval-gazing drivel.

There are usually letters regarding Asperger's, OCD, and other psychological terms, but the most insipid reason this guy is like this is termed the "gaslight effect." That's what LW's guy sounds like to me!

See: http://www.enotalone.com/article/16906.html

Hey Villagejonesy - I don't think the LW owes BF anything. THis has been an ongoing 5 year thing, and investing one more second into this dead horse isn't going to make it better. If they were married than yeah, I'd agree that she should have a long talk, get counseling, etc. However in this case we are looking at a guy who isn't going to change, not as long as LW is with him. Their relationship has a 5 year pattern, and part of that pattern is his comments.

I do have to wonder what's wrong with LW that she puts up with it. Is it a woman thing to put up with that kind of abuse? Do women sit there thinking 'maybe he'll change if I'm just nice enough' I had a verbally abusive GF who I endured because of the passionate sex, but after a year I was happy to make my escape - no sex is worth that crap.

As a clinical psychologist I can say without hesitation - the young lady states that her problem is how her boyfriend treats her. She is missing the mark on what the real problem is. Her real problem is in herself. She recognizes her own pain, blames it in the man, and stays in the relationship which most likely will not change.

She should accept the way the guy is, forgive him his traits, and then move on. He's just being himself - not trying to be an abuser or criminal or anything else like that. He's just being himself. As soon as she accepts that truth, she'll begin to feel better immediately. Good luck.

--I do have to wonder what's wrong with LW that she puts up with it.

I never said she "owed him anything," although failing to speak up and talk with him, and showing him that there's a problem, does neither her nor him any favors. You don't have to "owe" someone something in order for it to be bad to keep quiet about the fact that there's a serious problem with their behavior. She doesn't indicate whether she was clear about that with him. Keeping mum about it and not opening the mouth she was given and saying a peep about it for five years, and ditching him, only wills the problem to the next girlfriend. Right, or wrong?

However, it's ridiculous to assume either that he can't change, or that he's a wife-beater from CSI: Miami. We don't know that. "What's wrong with the LW," you ask. I don't like the accusatory language, but I do think that there's something she needs to look at in herself, IF (and we don't know this from her letter) she's never speaking up clearly and asserting herself, even when there's a serious problem. How, then, will she deal with serious problems in another relationship, even if they're unrelated to any shortcoming of the man, and even if the man is kinder next time?

She'll have learned to avoid having cooperative, mutual, two-way conversations with her partner, when he or a situation is difficult (conversations, I might add, being strenuously argued against by those who want no dialogue--not "no further dialogue," because we don't know if there's even been any yet--but simply want her to leave).

It is probably very hard for you to accept that you have spent five of the best years of your life trying to please this unpleasable man. But you need, for your own self-esteem, to leave him and recover from the emotional abuse he has inflicted upon you. You deserve a man who doesn't mind that you aren't perfect and loves you just the way you are! I don't think he is capable of changing, but I think you are. Good luck!