And if not, then why would you want the same from a mate--someone who you're supposed to trust above all others?

I also was involved w/such a man for 16 yrs. It took that long to realize that it was about self-esteem--his AND mine. His, b/c he needed a doormat to step on and feel better about himself--and mine b/c I didn't think I deserved anything better.

If someone steps on your toes, and you tell them to stop, but it continues, then that's a hostile action, designed to hurt intentionally. Healthy self-esteem lets you say no, I will NOT let you step on my toes anymore--and then you leave if it doesn't stop.

Five years this has been happening now--and LW doesn't say it, but I'll bet anything that this behavior has escalated during that time. LW's better sense motivated her to write to Cary--very likely b/c her SO has so abused her by now that she no longer trusts her judgment.

LW. Just. Leave. Now. Your man is abusive; all the signs are there. You've already thrown away 5 yrs; it won't get any better in 5 more. This is really about him and not you; you're just an available "punching bag," even if only metaphorically--but that could become literally true sooner than you think.

And if you need to "run away from home"--splitting w/out telling him, as I had to do--then do so. Trust me: he'll move on faster than you think. These types are always looking for new victims, and they always find them; some women will do anything to keep a man around. In which case--why do you want a man who doesn't want you? And why do you want someone who treats you like that?

The healthy part of yourself is crying out to go. Let these posts remind you that yes, you should leave--and you're right to do so. You really DO deserve better.

I don't wanna get all Brightstar on ya'll, but I can't help but wonder if this had been a male writer complaining about his girlfriend/wife's constant criticism, if the chorus of DTMFA would be quite as loud. Probably, we would have seen more questions about the LW's actions, and how they invited this criticism. But anyway...

I don't get the intro to the letter, talking about how the boyfriend "would prefer to imagine me as perfect." Sounds like she is making this too complicated, as are most of the commenters. No need for long-winded psychological explanations for the behavior. Maybe it is because we have a word for this type of behavior in women, but not when engaged in by a man: NAGGING. It's still nagging, regardless of gender. If the LW had been a guy, he need only have said "My wife nags me constantly, about every little thing I do" and most people would know instantly what he was talking about.

I can think of no greater hell than to be in a relationship with a nagger! I was with one for a few years, before I wised up. I've also been in a relationship where I got cheated on. Give me the cheater anyday over the constant nagging!

We all make mistakes, and it is valuable to find a partner with a sense of humor, who realizes that they aren't perfect either, and who can LET THINGS GO. If you don't clean the dishes just right, or fail to do x, y, or z, it may be annoying, but you didn't burn the house down. A kind, flexible, individual (male or female) can accept these lapses in your otherwise awesome character because they realize they do annoying shit themselves. For others, they will just nag you to death about it. The solution is simple: don't know those people no more.

Note that I said the solution was simple, not easy. If you've been in a relationship for five years, breaking up will not be easy. But it is the best solution.

Constant criticism for petty grievances is nagging, pure and simple. If you are in the doghouse for dropping food on the floor or some other common, inconsequential, error, you are being nagged. It is probably an ingrained part of the nagger's personality, but the reason doesn't matter. If it's gotten to the point where you are writing letters to internet advice columnists, it's probably gotten too bad to be able to fix.

So, yeah, DTMFA.

In your next relationship, look for the warning signs that this person might be a nagger, and for god's sake, if they display those characteristics, don't wait five years to break it off.

He is now the ex-husband who used to constantly criticize me.

I think you do owe it to the relationship to tell him how this constant stream of criticism is making you feel. Give him a fair amount of time to change his behavior. If he doesn't, RUN!

I just got out of a very damaging relationship with a person like your boyfriend. I was with him for seven years but the real abuse didn't start until we had moved in together. I cannot stress more that you have to get out. I am putting my life back together and I pray that you will walk away and never go back.

He could also have Asperger's syndrome. This possibility does not mean you have to forgive and live with this soul-crushing unpleasantness. But it may make clearer why he can't do anything else and never will. And it may also make clearer why you seem to love this person despite the fault-finding -- many people with Asperger's are otherwise genuinely loving and loyal. For many persons with Asperger's, the detail of the moment is the only thing they can see; and they do not do very well at imagining what is going on within a person, neither themselves nor others. So the idea that the computer room door could be less important than your feelings could fail on two counts: 1) the computer room door is all that he can see when it is open; 2) your feelings will always be completely opaque to him. He also can't hear the big-picture point that we should all accept some imperfections when you talk to him about the mistakes he's made because all he can hear then is these unlinked, individual failures, and when you give multiple examples to show how ordinary it is, he sees, instead, this mountain of failures, each of which is, in that moment, the most important thing in the world.

Like I said, this doesn't make it less soul-crushing to have him appear to care more about forgetting an umbrella than about you as a person; but it may make him a less deliberate villain.

If you have nothing else to do with your life, you may want to learn about Asperger's and see if you want to adjust your expectations to what is possible with this guy and learn ways to communicate with him; but probably you had other plans for your life, and should get on with them.