Two Geminis actually married each other.

When I divorced (for very valid reasons), we did the counselor thing too, as the last College Try. Then at least there was no ? later that the effort hadn't been made. If now-XH didn't think anything was wrong (there was, BIG time), then it was my problem to solve. So I did; I left, making me The Bad Guy.

I've read somewhere here on SYA that it only takes 1 to divorce; if 1 isn't interested, then there's nothing for 2 to work on. Sounds like LW's STBX has had enough--and after 20 yrs, she's stored up a lot of resentment. The affairs are a manifestation of that resentment. And I too think she's being passive-aggressive about it: she wants LW to be the Bad Guy and end the marriage to justify her present and future actions.

If it's over, it's over--and the kid is no excuse to keep going. As a child of divorce, my parents (rest in peace) battled endlessly when they should've walked away years earlier. The best thing they ever did was split.

So it is w/LW's kid; both parents are doing her no favors by remaining together for HER sake. All she's learning is how to lie and manipulate men (from her mom; I've no doubt that mom has engaged daughter in helping to cover for her), how to be a drunken doormat (from her dad), and how to ignore the elephant in the room and pretend "everything is fine" (from both). Divorce hasn't fucked up the kid, but the status quo in her home already has.

Like Elvis, STBX has left the building; it's time LW started making other plans.

It's hard to tell from your letter exactly how you acted. Frankly, you don't sound like the most self-aware person when it comes to your issues given that even when they are directly pointed out, you take months to even start to address them. I'm skeptical that your act is as together as you claim it is. I'd see a good therapist by myself and work on yourself. Worst case, you're in better shape for post-divorce dating.

Spend lots of time with your daughter. Start a hobby together and do that on Saturday afternoons. If your wife can't appreciate your feelings for her right now, my guess is that she isn't blind to how you treat your daughter and your being a good father is an excellent reason to stay and try to work things out.

And stop reading your wife's e-mail. Gigi could be right that what you found were just online fantasies, and even if she's not you're just torturing yourself for no real benefit. Your wife may or may not be violating your trust, but two wrongs don't make a right and if you've decided that you want to save this marriage you need to stop acting like a man who is trying to destroy his marriage.

That's my take.

Get over it. Nothing you can do about it. It probably wasn't about you, just doing the family thing and now that is boring so she is entertaining herself with other things.

WOMEN NEVER LIKE TO ADMIT TO AFFAIRS.

That takes away the leverage used against SCUMBAG CHEATING LOWLIFE MEN.

You cheat on her and see what happens. That is different - way different.

Here is a clue, if she doesn't admit it, she probably is still doing it. Cheating is so easy for a woman - all they have to do is smile at a guy and SCORE! Unless they are gay or with the wife.

Women like that. Nice guys get treated like last years fashions, or undies. The advantage is hers. No man in your position is attractive to the woman who has you in that position.

Watch some Oprah and Dr. Phil to see how the game is played and act more like a woman - you wife probably deserves it.

it sounds like the wife has been frustrated for a long time. She brought some issues up, it took him several months but then he finally CUT DOWN ON DRINKING (but he didn't quit). It makes me think he might have been really boozing it up for a long time, AND it took several months for him to even think that was a problem.

So maybe the role of alcohol here needs to be addressed. And now that LW is sincerely trying to make things right, the wife is still getting out her pent-up anger.

It sounds like it's worth trying counseling, as cary said, tho both parties will have to really stretch their hearts and be willing to forgive.

PS, I'm also not sure it is admissible in court if you break into someone's email account and print out private letters.

Sounds like the wife has been dissatisfied for a lot more than 1 1/2 years - I wonder about the drinking and what damage that caused. It also sounds like there is a serious lack of communication between these two - denial, feelings kept inside, things magically happening (instantly, suddenly, quickly). I think there's more to this than meets the eye and suspect they've been out of touch with each other the whole time and now the wife has had enough.

Oh, my god...I'm so sorry. It's so sad that, even in this day and age, with all the wonderful advances that have occurred both medically and culturally, that there are still women out there suffering needlessly with sympathetic feelings for men. (Or even, god forbid, atttraction?) Surely there is something that can be done to help you overcome this tragedy. Wait...if you actually like men, maybe that means that you should become one! Then you could have a normal, healthy homosexual relationship, without all the shame and fear of heterosexual intimacy.

Yeah, Gigi. Give her a column!

And your daughter is going to notice. Staying together "for the children" isn't actually going to do your daughter any good. If you are going to stick with her, it has to be for you.

So here is my advice, print out hard copies of the emails.

Bring her into your thinking here, essentially the old martial arts idea of bring her to your centre.

Tell her how you feel about being constantly abused even as you try to change, and ask her where you go from here.

And show her the emails. Point out that you are on the points of divorcing her, and frankly given the evidence you are in the right.

If she screams, if she refuses engagement, leave. Don't chase her, don't try to hold onto her, calmly get up, book a hotel and leave.

And take your daughter with you.

This is not about the infidelity, that can be reconciled, this is about the fact that you cannot live with her behaviour towards you, and you have every right not to.