Why do people always think that just because they got their stuff together "in their opinion" that everyone around them should fall on their knees in praise? In the first place the offense was yours, all the fouls where yours, all the bad behavior was yours, why are people supposed to think you so great for getting back with the program? Your going into your wife's email to read her personal correspondence is unforgivable for any reason. I have been treated in this way by my husband for our entire marriage, the resentment will never leave no matter what he does or how much he tries to make up for it. He stopped drinking 3 years ago, I will stay with him, but I will never really trust him ever. So you may have to just live with what you have created.

You're making a very faulty assumption. Of course we'd be saying the same thing to a man. Any attempt to follow the letters here on different days shows that.

I say these things come in threes. You are past step one, she is one step behind.

I also think "cutting back on the drinking" is, in all likelihood, a bit superficial. You need to take on something positive, besides work that really challenges and engages you. Coach or Reff your daughter in her favorite sport. Take up mountain biking. Hike the Appalachian Trail. Write a book. Plant a garden. In other words, get out there and build some positives in your life--things you take pleasure from and that expose you to other people in healthy ways. Support, love, whatever from your spouse may not be forthcoming for a while yet.

Don't do anything drastic. She is trying to work out her own issues. Respect that. Think of it as a journey where you have no idea what the destination is, but just enjoy getting there every day.

be wary of their problems.

and have the man be the one who's hanging out online engaging in 'affairs' or whatnot, allegedly transgressing the sacred bonds of commitment;

The reaction from the average feminist here would be swift and brutal, with solid support of immediate dissolution of the marriage.

I am interested in the lackadaisical response to not ONE but TWO secret relationships (the difference between the digital and physical affair are nil since MOST women will spill a similar-sized cow over either) occurring within the morally-fortified zone of marriage.

I wonder if Cary would also be as inclined to crab-walk around the issue of infidelity if the adultery centered on the man?

Frankly, I support minimizing affair-centered indiscretions but what I am seeing here is not the normal response from a feminist-based audience.

Is this because the person committing the adultery is a woman?

i think your wife wants out of the marriage and is making everything your fault because she doesn't want to take the responsibility for any part of its failure. i doubt your changing has much to do with anything. OR, she wants to have a marriage and child as a safe place and screw around but not feel guilty so she pretends to you and herself that her marriage is hopeless. she certainly isn't doing anything to improve it and the marriage counseling may just be a front to pretend she wants it to work. all of the above may even be unsconscious. in any event, it looks over to me. sorry.

I hope that you didn't just change for her - I hope these are changes you value in themselves for how it improves your quality of life, because it may be too late with her. In my experience, once the nastiness starts, the hurtful actions, the hurtful words, a person is really all but physically done with it, and that is their way of beginning to assert their independence. It's also my experience that the longer a couple tries to stay together under those circumstances, the nastier things get.

If it were me, I'd want a separation so that whatever goes on when you are dealing with each other, whether it works out or not, it won't be happening in your daughter's home. it also gives your wife a chance to be on her own and see if, indeed, it's what she needs. Gives you the same opportunity.

#1. Cut out the drinking altogether.

#2. Discuss the affairs, probably with a therapist. Reach an agreement that both of you can have outside affairs if you wish, provided that it is discreet and that attention is paid to matters of hygiene.

#3. Agree to spend some time together each week to discuss personal issues, but try not to live on top of each other the rest of the time.

Most likely you will both soon get tired of the outside affairs and be ready to settle down again, so why sell the house, break up the home and all that over this?

Your marriage, at least as you have invisioned it in your minds, is over. Multiple affairs, snooping in her emails, drinking issues, attempts to change that have no effect? Over. The fact is, she doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to be married to you. She doesn't respect you, and you can't come back from that.

How about some self respect? You are a cuckold, and you want to use your daughter as an excuse to remain so. People think that kids can't handle a divorce, but in reality kids can handle it if you aren't terrible about it in front of them. What is terribly damaging to a child for their own future relationships and interactions is seeing their parents live together and not respect eachother. To see you take it and be a coward, and maybe drink and sit around moping, while mom misbehaves more and more to finally get the thing to end.

Talk to your therapist about how to handle your child through this divorce, get your wife to commit to following that advice to the letter, and insist on strict adherence to it for the both of you.

Whoever said that the affairs mean nothing in a divorce proceeding was wrong, since it is relevant and admissible when determining custody and visitation issues. Just try to protect your daughter from knowing all the details.