You don't "have your act together" if you violated her trust by reading her email!

Why do married people think it is okay to read each others' email? I see this often here and in many other advice columns. One gives up so much privacy in a marriage. Why would you take away the shred that she has left?

If you discover something awful when you are snooping you deserve what you get. The hurt, resentment, anger etc. that you are feeling are your own fault.

You are a sanctimonious jerk and I would cheat on you, too.

Divorce her cheating ass. She doesn't love you, and discarding any shred of self-respect in a desperate attempt to cling to the hollow shell of your so-called "marriage" isn't gonna change that. All you're showing your daughter is that daddy's a pathetic pushover and that lying and deceitfulness have no consequences except forcing your betrayed partner to do what you want. Be a good dad, and show your daughter how a strong and confident human being acts when confronted with betrayal.

I'd hop to it though because it sounds like you probably don't have to long to go before your wife makes the first move.

Dear Cary and Confused

Don't you know that when a woman say's you have to change or you get caught flirting around that no matter what you do your days are numbered. Just get over it and move on. As you see she has. Relationships are like socks once soiled there’s no putting them back on unless you have to, and you change them as soon as possible. This is the cold hard facts of life and relationships. Sure someone is going to give you all the support you want to try and make it work out but let's get real. Even their support has a consoling tone. Your toast, move on and don't make the same mistakes again. You'll be happier in the end. Patching up a relationship is,,,,,, the stuff of romance movies and novels. This is real life go have a last good romp and call it good. One of two things will happen you will meet someone new and forget about this one or she will come back on her own of course you can always whip yourself till she leaves you. Take your pick.

Key phrases and what they mean.

I have changed = I’m done here and I will make your life hell till you leave.

You have to change = See above.

I no longer want to doing that = I never liked that and I only did it for you, precursor to above.

Sorry but someone has to say it like it is. Your done and dust. Decide to move on and you will feel like angles have freed you from slavery and bondage. Time for the good bye night.. I like to make it special dinner flowers and bottle of nice wine and in the morning leave. Never end on a bad note after all it was special. If you stay it will only get uglier and uglier and hurt more and more. Next thing you know your be at Moo’s bar crying in your beer pounding your fist on the bar calling her names. All you have to do is decide whether you’re a masochist or a realist. Simple economics says cut your loses.

@Agile Cyborg

You're making a very faulty assumption. Of course we'd be saying the same thing to a man. Any attempt to follow the letters here on different days shows that.

-- Rebecca White

Let us follow the text, shall we? I will only post female comments (from what I can gather are females).

I've been here long enough to note trends and this is not trending in the same fashion had the discussion centered on an adulterer rather than an adulteress.

Notice the velvet touch.

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But when your wife didn't automatically respond to these great changes (and maybe she did do/say terrible things) you snoop into her email and acuse her of adultery (which maybe she is guilty of) but now you want it to be all about her wrongs.

It simply sounds like there is still hurt and blame still on both sides here, and it may take a while to work out.

-- RobinS

BOTH sides are too blame? I agree, but do you really believe this? If the man committed adultery would you STILL claim both sides are to blame?

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Finally, is it possible you are misinterpreting those emails? Just putting that out there ....

-- LauraBB

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If there were affairs - it's a huge breach of trust - but marriages can and do survive them.

-- SusanStoHelit

They do Susan? Hmmm... surely this is rare verbiage from a female. Very enlightened, actually. Would you feel the same way had the discussion been based on an unfaithful male?

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So maybe the role of alcohol here needs to be addressed. And now that LW is sincerely trying to make things right, the wife is still getting out her pent-up anger.

-- Tara21

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I think there's more to this than meets the eye and suspect they've been out of touch with each other the whole time and now the wife has had enough.

-- farafield

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But LW should consider that people sometimes do have an online fantasy life with people they never physically meet. That, too, can be a serious problem in a marriage, from a psychological standpoint, but it is not an affair.

I would be very careful not to jump to any conclusions here.

-- Gigi_Knows!

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You don't "have your act together" if you violated her trust by reading her email!

...

You are a sanctimonious jerk and I would cheat on you, too.

-- sara.bellum

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end

Obviously has such a low sense of self worth that he is willing to stay with this woman despite the fact that she clearly doesn't respect him.

That would explain his passive aggressive behavior, and the fact that he was suspicious enough to read her e-mails. The wife has learned that if she yells and bullies him enough, she can do pretty much whatever she wants, and no amount of him "turning himself around" will change that. If anything, it shows his wife that she can get him to jump through any hoops she wants. More respect is lost. the cheating won't stop. the harping won't stop. If anything, it's going to get worse. He won't even bring her infidelity up during therapy sessions! He's that afraid of her leaving.

Does he really want his daughter to learn about relationips like this?

LW: Teach your wife (and your daughter) that relationships must be built on a foundation of mutual respect and honesty. Talk to your lawyer and leave this woman ASAP. It's true, the courts are stacked in the woman's favor. Nothing you can do about that. You can show some regard for your own well being though, and that will, in time, do your daughter a lot of good.

Good luck.