Get over it. Nothing you can do about it. It probably wasn't about you, just doing the family thing and now that is boring so she is entertaining herself with other things.

WOMEN NEVER LIKE TO ADMIT TO AFFAIRS.

That takes away the leverage used against SCUMBAG CHEATING LOWLIFE MEN.

You cheat on her and see what happens. That is different - way different.

Here is a clue, if she doesn't admit it, she probably is still doing it. Cheating is so easy for a woman - all they have to do is smile at a guy and SCORE! Unless they are gay or with the wife.

Women like that. Nice guys get treated like last years fashions, or undies. The advantage is hers. No man in your position is attractive to the woman who has you in that position.

Watch some Oprah and Dr. Phil to see how the game is played and act more like a woman - you wife probably deserves it.

It's hard to tell from your letter exactly how you acted. Frankly, you don't sound like the most self-aware person when it comes to your issues given that even when they are directly pointed out, you take months to even start to address them. I'm skeptical that your act is as together as you claim it is. I'd see a good therapist by myself and work on yourself. Worst case, you're in better shape for post-divorce dating.

Spend lots of time with your daughter. Start a hobby together and do that on Saturday afternoons. If your wife can't appreciate your feelings for her right now, my guess is that she isn't blind to how you treat your daughter and your being a good father is an excellent reason to stay and try to work things out.

And stop reading your wife's e-mail. Gigi could be right that what you found were just online fantasies, and even if she's not you're just torturing yourself for no real benefit. Your wife may or may not be violating your trust, but two wrongs don't make a right and if you've decided that you want to save this marriage you need to stop acting like a man who is trying to destroy his marriage.

That's my take.

When I divorced (for very valid reasons), we did the counselor thing too, as the last College Try. Then at least there was no ? later that the effort hadn't been made. If now-XH didn't think anything was wrong (there was, BIG time), then it was my problem to solve. So I did; I left, making me The Bad Guy.

I've read somewhere here on SYA that it only takes 1 to divorce; if 1 isn't interested, then there's nothing for 2 to work on. Sounds like LW's STBX has had enough--and after 20 yrs, she's stored up a lot of resentment. The affairs are a manifestation of that resentment. And I too think she's being passive-aggressive about it: she wants LW to be the Bad Guy and end the marriage to justify her present and future actions.

If it's over, it's over--and the kid is no excuse to keep going. As a child of divorce, my parents (rest in peace) battled endlessly when they should've walked away years earlier. The best thing they ever did was split.

So it is w/LW's kid; both parents are doing her no favors by remaining together for HER sake. All she's learning is how to lie and manipulate men (from her mom; I've no doubt that mom has engaged daughter in helping to cover for her), how to be a drunken doormat (from her dad), and how to ignore the elephant in the room and pretend "everything is fine" (from both). Divorce hasn't fucked up the kid, but the status quo in her home already has.

Like Elvis, STBX has left the building; it's time LW started making other plans.

Two Geminis actually married each other.

Your marriage, at least as you have invisioned it in your minds, is over. Multiple affairs, snooping in her emails, drinking issues, attempts to change that have no effect? Over. The fact is, she doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to be married to you. She doesn't respect you, and you can't come back from that.

How about some self respect? You are a cuckold, and you want to use your daughter as an excuse to remain so. People think that kids can't handle a divorce, but in reality kids can handle it if you aren't terrible about it in front of them. What is terribly damaging to a child for their own future relationships and interactions is seeing their parents live together and not respect eachother. To see you take it and be a coward, and maybe drink and sit around moping, while mom misbehaves more and more to finally get the thing to end.

Talk to your therapist about how to handle your child through this divorce, get your wife to commit to following that advice to the letter, and insist on strict adherence to it for the both of you.

Whoever said that the affairs mean nothing in a divorce proceeding was wrong, since it is relevant and admissible when determining custody and visitation issues. Just try to protect your daughter from knowing all the details.

#1. Cut out the drinking altogether.

#2. Discuss the affairs, probably with a therapist. Reach an agreement that both of you can have outside affairs if you wish, provided that it is discreet and that attention is paid to matters of hygiene.

#3. Agree to spend some time together each week to discuss personal issues, but try not to live on top of each other the rest of the time.

Most likely you will both soon get tired of the outside affairs and be ready to settle down again, so why sell the house, break up the home and all that over this?

I hope that you didn't just change for her - I hope these are changes you value in themselves for how it improves your quality of life, because it may be too late with her. In my experience, once the nastiness starts, the hurtful actions, the hurtful words, a person is really all but physically done with it, and that is their way of beginning to assert their independence. It's also my experience that the longer a couple tries to stay together under those circumstances, the nastier things get.

If it were me, I'd want a separation so that whatever goes on when you are dealing with each other, whether it works out or not, it won't be happening in your daughter's home. it also gives your wife a chance to be on her own and see if, indeed, it's what she needs. Gives you the same opportunity.