Children do what they see you do.

Not what you tell them to do.

Remember the James Baldwin quote:

"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."

If you stay in this marriage, one day your daughter may be in a very similar relationship and do the same things. The very same things you are doing, or the very same things your wife is doing. How does that sound?

Suppose it were her one day, instead of you, going through what you are going through. What would you tell her to do?

Think about it for a long while . . . sleep on it, many nights. This isn't meant to be glib, and I don't think you'll have an answer quickly. But when the answer comes to you, chances are good that's what you should do, too.

Yeah, the problem is certainly that men are misogynists, not that dude's wife is a whore. "She doesn't trust you enough. That's why she has to find other guys to bang."

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

hahahahahaha

and furthermore . . .

HA!

If the LW wife really did have two extramarital affairs -- and we don't know whether she really did -- then that was truly despicable on her part, regardless of how LW found out about it, and regardless of how he was treating her when she did this.

But LW should consider that people sometimes do have an online fantasy life with people they never physically meet. That, too, can be a serious problem in a marriage, from a psychological standpoint, but it is not an affair.

I would be very careful not to jump to any conclusions here. Refusing to discuss it with the marriage counselor is exactly the wrong thing to do, because you are keeping those conclusions from being challenged if they are false, or being understood and thoroughly worked out if they are true.

(Again, if it were your daughter, what would you want HER to do in marriage counseling? LW, come on!)

You say things that make sense.

That is (at least in part) because I like men.

What a weird situation.

Since the computer evidence for infidelity is there and concrete, maybe you would like to dig into it in more detail.

What's weird is that you don't seem too broken up about it. Which is fine, if that's how you feel. However, you do have some wonderfully revealing information about your wife that you might be able to use to figure out what is really going on.

Depending on how extensive the documentation is, you might be able to figure out her dreams, aspirations, etc. Like, what they had/have that you didn't/don't.

This is a gross over generalization, but today, women with children tend to be angry. They work too hard, etc. The typical husband tries to make an effort, but that can just make things worse. Plus you admitted to being clueless.

I'm assuming that your wife has a full time job.

A lot of times people just want acknowledgment regarding the effort they expend trying -- they don't necessarily want to give up control.

This is remarkably common for both men and women.

Just in case that is it, you can see -- for example -- if you start doing the dishes or laundry or whatever, it may be a positive, but sometimes it can have the opposite effect. Like you implying that it "isn't that big a deal" and you'll just do it.

Figure out what she was missing, and it really could be something as basic as understanding or acknowledgment.

If she is looking for someone that is better in bed, forget it.

Just some random thoughts.

And your daughter is going to notice. Staying together "for the children" isn't actually going to do your daughter any good. If you are going to stick with her, it has to be for you.

So here is my advice, print out hard copies of the emails.

Bring her into your thinking here, essentially the old martial arts idea of bring her to your centre.

Tell her how you feel about being constantly abused even as you try to change, and ask her where you go from here.

And show her the emails. Point out that you are on the points of divorcing her, and frankly given the evidence you are in the right.

If she screams, if she refuses engagement, leave. Don't chase her, don't try to hold onto her, calmly get up, book a hotel and leave.

And take your daughter with you.

This is not about the infidelity, that can be reconciled, this is about the fact that you cannot live with her behaviour towards you, and you have every right not to.

Oh, my god...I'm so sorry. It's so sad that, even in this day and age, with all the wonderful advances that have occurred both medically and culturally, that there are still women out there suffering needlessly with sympathetic feelings for men. (Or even, god forbid, atttraction?) Surely there is something that can be done to help you overcome this tragedy. Wait...if you actually like men, maybe that means that you should become one! Then you could have a normal, healthy homosexual relationship, without all the shame and fear of heterosexual intimacy.

Yeah, Gigi. Give her a column!

Sounds like the wife has been dissatisfied for a lot more than 1 1/2 years - I wonder about the drinking and what damage that caused. It also sounds like there is a serious lack of communication between these two - denial, feelings kept inside, things magically happening (instantly, suddenly, quickly). I think there's more to this than meets the eye and suspect they've been out of touch with each other the whole time and now the wife has had enough.

it sounds like the wife has been frustrated for a long time. She brought some issues up, it took him several months but then he finally CUT DOWN ON DRINKING (but he didn't quit). It makes me think he might have been really boozing it up for a long time, AND it took several months for him to even think that was a problem.

So maybe the role of alcohol here needs to be addressed. And now that LW is sincerely trying to make things right, the wife is still getting out her pent-up anger.

It sounds like it's worth trying counseling, as cary said, tho both parties will have to really stretch their hearts and be willing to forgive.

PS, I'm also not sure it is admissible in court if you break into someone's email account and print out private letters.