LW-- here's some advice.

Don't take bad advice. There is a serious mix down below.

First off, unless you live in a knuckle-dragging state (they still might be out there) no one gives a shit if you or your wife have infidelity in their profile when they go for the divorce settlement. I'm not going to never say never, because I am not familiar with divorce law across all 50 states. But anymore, that falls under 'irreconcilable differences' and that just means, especially in a community property state, that the split is 50/50. The person that keeps the house will probably keep the kid, as most states now are focused on stability for the children as a primary driver, and the research has shown pretty clearly that keeping the kid in the house where they lived is essential.

The other fact is that if both those things are contested (kid and house) regardless of past behavior, you will most probably lose, UNLESS your wife does not have the financial wherewithal to keep the house. Then you may have a chance. But the reality is that if the child is under 10, and the mom can show evidence that they have been the primary caregiver, and can afford the house, your odds of keeping the kid in a divorce are two -- slim, and none. That's the way it works.

Re: keeping your marriage. Marriage is a consensual business agreement between two partners. That IS what it is. If she does not want to stay with you, you will not repair this marriage. If she agrees that she wants to fix things, then you have a chance. You have NO chance if she does not want to stay in the marriage.

Many people live in the fucked-up world that they believe that somehow a fight will get them what they want. News bulletin -- divorce law is WELL established in every state in the union. Odds are your case will not break precedent. Find out what the precedent is and negotiate from there, figuring that the best you're going to do is +/- 10%. Then make your offer, and cheat the lawyers out of all of the dough you'll lose if they take this to trial. My advice, especially if you must share custody of a child, is to be generous. Make an enemy now, you will regret it. Fact.

The account you give of your marital history is kind of simplistic. But it honestly doesn't sound as though you two have much to work with. Your wife has cheated twice that you know of and isn't the least bit sorry, and you only stepped up when you realized you had to or you would lose it all, and too late at that.

I think each of you has kind of taken the cliche response to an unhappy marriage. You checked out in your own way and she checked out in hers. Now you're at the stage where you want to call each other on it so you can feel less of the blame for destroying the relationship.

Let it go, my friend. That is not marriage. Marriage is not supposed to be hell. Marriage is not supposed to be sleeping with an enemy, someone you don't trust, someone who you lie to and who lies to you.

Just accept the reality and stop fighting it. She will stay or she will go, but you have a better chance of saving it if you stop playing the games, stop spying, stop fighting, stop trying to make her confess!! Just stop. You can't make her feel things she doesn't feel and you can't change her, you know. All you can do is change yourself, which will in turn cause her to react differently. Try loving her -- you really don't seem to have anything to lose.

The worst thing is being in limbo. So I say what the heck -- you're still married. Commit yourself 100% and give her the best you've got. Then if it doesn't work, at least you can say you tried.

Ignore Marc22309. He is PMSing this week.

You're in counseling but you don't mention the infidelity? If there's anywhere it should be safe to broach the subject, it's in a room with a trained therapist.

LW's wife can continue to deny it, sure. But the therapist needs to know the issue is there, that you are pretty sure that she's had affairs. The fact that you think that is important, even if you're wrong. It's relevant to the health of your relationship.

Also . . .

There was a point in my marriage where a complete change from "inconsiderate fuckwad totally lacking respect and compassion" to "someone who gives a shit how I feel" might have saved it. But people don't change that much, that quickly.

If you were enough of a clod to her for long enough, she may just not be able to allow herself to be vulnerable to you anymore. She may have welcomed the changes but quickly realized that it didn't erase the damage done by the stuff you did or the way you were before.

But only a TOTALLY HONEST discussion with a marriage counselor makes the counseling worthwhile and gives your marriage the best chance to survive. Leaving out huge stuff like "I'm pretty sure she had affairs that she won't cop to" makes therapy an almost meaningless exercise.

I looked over your letter. Has your wife ever accused you of being passive-aggressive? (I got that idea from, "She was hostile and angry toward me and I dismissed her comments as her problem." which seems to be avoidance if there ever was. At any rate she seems to have ignored your pouting - always a bad sign).Twenty years is a long time and a child is a terrible thing to waste so why not take the saintly bassare's advice to an even higher level - be passionate about your wanting to stay together. Who knows? maybe it's a difficult menopause. Maybe she's having a midlife crisis. Maybe it can be fixed.