...confused about, Confused? Your wife is patently dishonest, your marriage is in the toilet and you have no self-respect. Run away as fast as you can and find the life you deserve. Why do people beat themselves up trying to save a marriage that's not worth saving? Smarten up!

Sorry not enough people called the wife nasty names to make you happy.

-- RobinS

You are missing the point by a mile. Why am I not surprised?

Infidelity committed by females within marriage is judged far less harshly by females. Period.

Had this subject been a male monkeying around behind his wife's back we would have read far fewer, if any, understanding statements posted by females.

To refute your nonsensical quote above here is a direct statement from me posted earlier in the thread:

Frankly, I support minimizing affair-centered indiscretions ...

So, no, I do not AT ALL support destroying the lives of women OR men over acts of infidelity. I consider romance across boundaries very normal behavior for hot-blooded men and women.

Marital indiscretion comes in many styles and flavors unique to the individual. Some will never have an affair, for various reasons, but, perhaps, they are a dominating authoritarian which can result in the same sort of misery for a spouse that an affair may produce.

In the end, I LIKE how Cary did not attack the infidelity as a massive central icon of disharmony within the relationship. THIS is far better than trotting this chick out to the goddamn social woodshed, as commonly occurs to men who commit similar acts.

What effect will that have on a young woman to see one of her parents so thoroughly disrespected by the other parents? How does that help shape her perception of men in general?

-- gezelligtexas

A husband that works with his wife through her indiscretions is being supportive and flexible, in my view. I don't expect you to agree with this.

I have a very strong opinion on modern marriage that runs counter to mainstream views.

If you are a solid individual who does not derive personal worth or value from a spouse why would you be so worried about being disrespected?

IF the relationship is a practical calculation based MORE on specific and defined rules of engagement and procedure, then, yes I can see how easily one can be disrespected by a spouse's indiscretion.

Marriage becomes a governing entity in this case. Laws must be enforced. The invisible governing figure of commitment MUST be respected and by extension the participants MUST be respected.

The STRUCTURE becomes central rather than the participants.

This young woman probably probably sees her father as humane and working toward the larger goal of harmony rather than as an enforcer who will cut his wife off because she is being a fucking bitch for a time.

Hell, my wife can have an affair. Fuck it. I'm not built from sap and tea leaves. And, I derive no sense of purpose or self-respect from her. I'm here because I like her.

The potential for failure, in some form, lurks in ALL of us so I see little long-term purpose in idealizing the spouse into a non-corruptible entity that should remain true to personal fashions.

I addressed your other point - well enough, it seems, that you can only quote a part of what I said, and claim I missed it.

Have a nice evening.

Infidelity committed by females within marriage is judged far less harshly by females. Period.

I agree. But I would broaden the statement

Any wrongdoing done by a woman to a man is judged far less harshly by females, no matter the wrongness of the wrongdoing. Period.

Not only that. They will deny this even in their deathbed (self-delusion? not wanting to accept the truth? I don't know).

This is not to say that women act worse than men. There are bad people in any sex. But women tend to excuse and rationalize more the wrong actions of other women.

This is fact that I have observed for decades and I have not been able to explain. This must have an evolutionary explanation because it is so widespread (I have observed in four countries located in three continents of far diverse cultures). Not only in feminist countries like America but in very patriarchal and traditional cultures.

You see this in these letters. It is appalling the level of understanding and rationalization for a woman who is not only able to cheat her husband, not only able to cheat him twice but is also able to deny the evidence and say harsh things to the husband.

Not only the woman is excused by many letters: in the most extremes comments the husband is blamed for his wife's infidelity. In some other letters, both behaviors are equated as if spying your spouse's email was as bad as cheating on him/her. I guess that "Don't blame the victim!" is only applicable to the female sex.

Of course, there will be more posts denying the double standard.

Your relationship is brain dead. Pull the plug and let nature take it's course. Stop wasting your money on counseling. Your family situation has gone toxic. Your daughter doesn't deserve to live with a mother who doesn't respect her father. Your daugher doesn't deserve to live with a father who thinks her mother is sleeping around. Don't think for a minute that your kid isn't picking up the vibes...

I forgot the link. See this story of a man who get laid with a prostitute. Of course, the man was infidel, but he didn't mistreat her wife (besides infidelity which is a mistreatment, of course).

http://letters.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2005/12/02/prostitute/view/index4.html?show=all

Some of the comments:

"What a selfish piece of trash. His family deserves better. I sincerely hope that he gets his heart broken by this hooker"

"What a sad, pathetic, deluded chump this letter writer is. I pity his wife and kids"

"This is a sad, pathetic man"

"God, are all men this predictable?"

"You feel entitled to go out and stick your dick in whoever you like because it makes you feel good while you're doing it. You're bored with the woman you promised to spend your life with."

"You pathetic idiot. Of *course* she's "the woman of your dreams."

There are more moderate reaction but nobody has told the wife of this story "a selfish piece of crap" (which she is). If the cheating spouse happens to be a woman, you have to understand her and work on your marriage. Sheesh.