This guy needs to tell his wife to get the stick that has been shoved up her ass for so long and take it out. I cannot believe men or women would put up with such crap. If she is that hateful, then why stay? For the daughter's sake? Totally ridiculous. I'm sure she sees how hateful her mom is towards her father, and believe me that will screw a child up just as well as a divorce.

Also about the affairs. One would be enough to leave this whore, but she had two, and he wants to stay? Come on! Get some back bone in you. Stop trying to please someone who could give a shit about you. Find someone who will appreciate you for who you are.

This is typical of the polarization and demonization of the sexes typically found on these threads. People are above all, PEOPLE, not merely men and women. We're human. We fail. We make promises and don't fulfill them. We try to be faithful and end up cheating. We promise to love someone forever and ever, and then we fall out of love.

OF COURSE women tend to be more sympathetic to other women, with similar experiences (Agile Cyborg: DUH!). Men are the same way. IF the story was reversed and the LW was the cheating partner, we'd be knee-deep on troll letters about "good for you! your wife is drunk alcoholic bitch, and probably real fat and hairy also". It's pretty normal to be more sympathetic to the participants you identify with the most.

I think, reading between the lines, LW was/is an alcoholic, and a workaholic, and probably a depressing, complaining sort ("I hate my job, but must put in 80 hours a week"). I think by drinking a lot he shut his wife out...not recently, but for years. On her side, I think she stuck it out stoically while their daughter was very young, then when she got older and the opportunity presented itself, she met men on the internet and had affairs, partly to console herself and partly out of loneliness and partly because most people (men AND women) prefer to exit an old relationship on the arms of a new partner...SO much easier and nicer than spending a long time alone.

Naturally, the LW sees this, panics, see his old life (home, child, familiarity) departing...cuts down on the drinking and then suddenly sober, hears the wife's anger and finds out her infidelity. Sad, but a long time coming. There is 20 years of anger and neglect and alcoholism underlying this; it won't go away tomorrow and it won't be cured overnight.

I think the LW would be amazed how much might be accomplished if he admitted his alcoholism and joined AA. But honestly, you can't ignore a 20 year problem, and then think you can "fix it" overnight with half-assed intentions.

There is some bad info here, typical of anger and misogyny regularly displayed on Salon (and so often, MISSPELLED!). Almost all states are now "no-fault" -- nobody gives a rat's ass if you cheated, and if your partner cheated it will NOT give you automatically more money or assets in a divorce. One of the big reasons behind "no fault" was to quicken the divorce process and also so that lawyers and judges didn't have to LISTEN to your awful, dragged out, accusatory, embarrassing, sexual stories about infidelity, cheating, "he said-she said". It hasn't always worked out that way, but that was part of the intent.

In virtually any divorce, the WINNERS are...the LAWYERS! If you think any differently, you are a fool and in denial. In most cases, the party with the MOST MONEY is the one with the advantage -- they can hire better lawyers, and for longer, and afford prolonged court battles. Judges typically choose the wealthier party in custody cases (though obviously only where custody is DISPUTED; most men DO NOT WANT custody of their children).

Almost no one ever gets "lifetime alimony" so it is really time trolls stopped saying that it is common or expected. The exceptions would be a divorce very late in life (parties over 65), or where one party is really vastly wealthier than the other (an celebrity or sports star, not YOU). Most alimony awards are for a couple of years max; and on top of that, most alimony is NEVER COLLECTED (even less than child support). And it's far harder to go to court to try to get unpaid alimony; you do not have the sympathy factor you do with minor children.

Almost nobody is ever awarded HALF of anyone's paycheck; there are child support guidelines and typically they max out at 35% of after tax salary. (An exception might be someone like Mr. Duggar, with 18 homeschooled children.) If you have 1-2 children like MOST FAMILIES, then you are looking at 15%-18%, and most wage earners in the US earn around $40k a year. Fifteen percent of that is....SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS. Just try living on that, let alone raising two kids! NO ONE IS GETTING RICH ON CHILD SUPPORT, unless your ex was a basketball superstar or similar. (Even then, it's all gonna go away on the kid's 18th birthday and that comes faster than you'd think.)

All states make some semblance of dividing the marital property evenly. It is almost unheard of for one spouse to simply "get" the house -- that would only be true in the case of very wealthy people who own outright several homes. In most normal situations, "the house" isn't owned, but heavily mortgaged -- in today's economy, it isn't really even an asset but a responsibility (taxes, mortgage, insurance, repairs). What is REALLY happening in most cases is that the wife and kids are allowed to stay in the house -- to keep the kids in a familiar setting and the same schools -- and she only has that right until the last child graduates. That is NOT THE SAME as "getting" a free house.

Frankly, in today's housing market, it is likely that neither party can afford an expensive mortgage and additional costs, and the house can't be sold and has little or no equity.

Divorce is a lose-lose proposition; no one comes out ahead (except the afore-mentioned lawyers). When people I know talk about divorcing, I tell them this:

"First go to your backyard and dig a giant hole. Then throw into the hole ALL your money and every possession you love and hold dear. Then pour gasoline over the whole mess, and set it on fire. While watching it burn, beat yourself senseless with a stick. If after watching the smoldering ashes of everything you worked for, you STILL WANT A DIVORCE...then proceed."