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• Wednesday, July 1, 2009 08:18 PM

  It's the infidelity, stupid

  I think there is something here that, rightly or wrongly is going to seal this deal - whether that's to stay together or split apart, and that's the infidelity issue.

  The LW needs to decide now the following:

  Is this something he can live with? I mean, a la women of yore, who turned a blind eye, ignored it and waited for it to go away. If so, do it now. Become reconciled now. Learn to love your wife and turn a blind eye now. If this strategy is ever going to get your marriage through you have to live it to the full, a la Jackie Kennedy. Otherwise, if you don't say anyhting but you're unhappy anyway the marriage is stil going to fall apart. And if you're going to go this way and repress it then you have to REPRESS it. No bringing it up in counselling. No little hints dropped here and there. Bury the whole thing in the back yard of your mind and throw a tonne of dirt over it. Grow some sweet smellign roses there.

  Is this something he cannot live with if it's ongoing? Then the LW needs to confront the wife right now. Print out the emails, throw a screaming fit, get the truth out into the open now.

  Is this something he cannot live with, full stop? I've been there. My SO at the time had had affairs, but it was all in the past. I couldn't get over it though. Much as I might try. I just couldn't respect or desire him any more. This was just how it was. We went to counselling. We tried, but there it was. Maybe it's something in the way I'm wired. The concept of 'we' was ruined. I think it's called something like 'a narcisstic injury'. I just couldn't love or believe in 'us' anymore.

  So, LW, which one of these is you? Don't know? Then you need to decide anyway. Paritcularly if it's going to be number one, becuase that needs to be embarked on right away.

  Finally, is it possible you are misinterpreting those emails? Just putting that out there ....

  —LauraBB Read LauraBB's other letters
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