I'm quietly snickering at the number of people who are apparently convinced that they absolutely know where their teen is every minute, and that they would absolutely know if their teen brought someone else into the house.

Unless you have an unusually obedient teen (there's an oxymoron!) or an unusually open relationship with your teen, chances are you don't. My sis and I were good kids--good grades, jobs, extra curricular activities--and yep, when we weren't working, we were "in bed" at midnight. And half the time on the weekend, we were up at one and sneaking out of the house. Our parents never suspected. We could occasionally sneak people into the house, but having a protective dog did cut into that. (And from my non-sex-having teenage perspective, what was the point of sneaking someone in and then have to be quiet when you could more easily sneak out and be noisy?)

I also don't get the conflation of having sex with getting complete blitzed or doing illegal drugs. Actually, I don't get the huge thing we Americans have about this mystical, magical thing that happens when a person turns of age (18 for sex, 21 for alcohol) that mysteriously makes them responsible and capable of handling themselves and makes sex and drinking a-okay, even though just a year ago those same activities would be Bad! Evil! A sign of irresponsible behavior that's going to doom the person to a terrible life!

Anyway, IMO, if you've taught your kids your values consistently (and modeled them consistently), if you've taught them to think critically, if you've taught them responsibility, by the time they're teenagers they'll most likely pull through it and turn into reasonable adults. If you've neglected those things throughout their childhoods--relying on blind obedience instead--then you're kinda screwed, and you've screwed your kids by not giving them the tools they need to survive.

My expectation for my kids is that they put their educations first and postpone sex until they are in college.

Ummm....what?!?!?! WTF?

How exactly does one affect the other?

I went to a Catholic all-boys high school (so u KNOW there's no sex ed in sight) in the mid-1990s; most of my classmates and I lost our virginity between 14-17.

We used condoms - not because anyone told us to, but because it was obvious common sense. The one exception to this rule ended up impregnating his gf.

And ya know what??

We all made it to college - and by & large succeeded.

And the friend who got a girl pregnant? Also went to college - as did the girl.

They are not together - married, to different people - but he still plays a responsible, active father role in the life of the child they conceived.

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One more FYI to any parents who are sure their kid is "pure"...

Last weekend I attended the 5-year wedding anniversary of two of my closest friends.

He's 30, she's 28. They met when she was a sophomore in high school...and had their first sexual encounter not too long after that.

His parents believe they first had sex in college.

HER parents believe she lost her virginity on their wedding night.

Years and years later, and the parents are still none the wiser.

As for my friends? Still happily married, just bought a house, and (according to the guy half of the couple in confidence to me =) still happily fucking after all these years.

Reality bites, huh?

Lonewolfy, you are the last person on earth I would want to try to explain hormones, birds, and bees to. I'll refer you to the scads and scads of social research indicating that for adolescent girls, postponing sex until late teens/early 20s is beneficial in many, many ways. It may not be as strong of a correlation for boys, but for girls, it's a no-brainer.

1. Are we certain that the two kids were having sex or were intending to? I realize it's the obvious conclusion, but why should it be treated as an absolute? Perhaps -- just perhaps -- they were simply snuggling. Unlikely? Not if at least one of them is gay.

2. The shoes were outside the door? Do you offer your guests valet service? Seriously, what does such an unself-conscious announcement imply? At the very least, the kid must think his dad is cool. Good for Dad.

Younger people today seem to be fairly sexually active in ways that don't always include intercourse; I know that when I was a teen in the late 90s, there was a lot of oral sex and touchy-feely stuff, but intercourse was taken more seriously.

As for those on this board who say that they would involve the law, I'm really curious why they feel that way. While I can certainly see absolutely objecting to your teenager having sex, I can't figure out how potentially ruining another teenager's life (and I do mean life - a criminal record and being a registered sex offender don't ever go away)would ameliorate the situation in any way. Do you really feel that it is something that a kid should potentially go to prison for? Moreover, are you really protecting your own child? What would the consequences of having your daughter's boyfriend arrested do to your own relationship with her? There are far more reasonable ways to stop your kid from having sex or seeing someone. Treating your kid like an intelligent human being with feelings and a degree of autonomy over his or her own body and talking to him or her reasonably might work wonders.

There seems to be something really patriarchal in these reactions, as though a young girl's body MUST be protected because she can't possibly fully understand sex and still want it. Teenager girls want and like sex, too. They aren't inherently victims to predatory, horny boys.

All of my close friends had had sex by the time of HS graduation. Today, they all have advanced degrees, successful careers, and nice husbands/boyfriends. Nobody is notably screwed up about sex. As icky as the idea of teenage sex is, I don't know that it is really a big problem, long-term, so long as there is consent and contraception.