It's too bad that Mr Tennis wasn't the nation's advice maven when I was growing up. He has sense and sensibility to spare.

Speaking from experience, my parents turned a blind eye to this. I took a lot of stupid risks, and in a way, I probably wanted to assert some control over my body. Looking back, I wish they'd taken the time to speak to me about possible consequences. Kids and adults are both capable of being reckless; I hope father & son can talk. The "awakening", as Cary referred to it, can get serious quickly if there's no communication. Best of luck to LW...

'To say the least it was unexpected and I don't think I was expected to find out.'

Calling captian obvious!!! Yeeesh what was your first clue? BTW, have you 'had the talk' with him? Does he know about using protection and birth control? It might be wise to take the girl to Planed Parenthood. I do think expecting him NOT to bring the girl back is silly. Otherwise LW, you seem to be on the right path, you've raised your kid well, and assuming he's protecting himself and the girl I'd prolly wait for him to approach you.

Warning - you'll get all sorts of stupid opinions from the posters. Have a good laugh.

Now back to the beach for me!

As a parent you need to separate out 2 factors in this: the very real need to teach your son to manage the risks he's taking on by becoming sexually active, and your natural discomfort in your baby getting all grown up and having sex (or not: you actually have no idea what they did or didn't do in his room).

The first issue is something a parent can and should be heavily involved in. Make darn sure that your son understands pregnancy, STDs, birth control, and so forth, and has resources on how to use them. Make sure that your son understands some of the emotional ramifications of what he's doing. And make sure that he's exercising a fair amount of discretion when it comes to the people he's having sexual relations with. You can set limits on when and where as well: the night before the SATs would be a bad idea, and definitely not in anyone's bed but his own, that sort of thing.

The second issue is an entirely different one, namely your immediate emotional gut reaction which says, in short, "Son having sex? Ewwww." Just like as a kid your gut reaction was "Dad having sex? Ewwww." And sorry, but at some point almost every parent has to accept that, if only in a purely intellectual sense.

The good news is that you have a year to help your son deal with this issue. When you think about it, in a year from now you won't have the same amount of influence over his decisions, so now is your chance to teach him responsible sexual behavior, before he goes off to wherever he's going after high school.

Why does anyone, parents, religious types, right wingers, anyoe think they can keep kids from wanting sex and having sex?

Fear? Punishment? That just fucks them up, or makes them want to do it more. You can try and keep the kid from humping and you might succeed but why?

Have the stern talk about sex, STDs, being a teen parent, buy him some rubbers, take out some of the mystic, tell him to be smart about it and leave him alone.

As long as the LW's son doesn't start treating Dad's house like Hef's Grotto then there seems to be no reason for concern. At least the girl had enough manners to take her shoes off at the door. The fact that the LW was awakened by a need for a drink of water rather than connubial sound effects should be clue enough to leave this one alone. Mutual embarrassment would surely follow any kind of confrontation, however gentle. He'll stop bringing his dates home and make a mess in the LW's Jetta instead. My advice to him (As long as it's a given that he and the boy have had "the talk") is to jam his fingers in his ears and repeat after me - LALALALALALALA!

At the risk of sounding arrogant, let me just say that the best way to deal with this situation is to use a little horse sense. (Mark Twain preferred that to "common sense." "If it was common, everyone would have it," Twain opined.)

Ask yourself this, Concerned: if you kept them from boffing in the boy's bedroom, do you think that would stop them from having sex altogether? Or would it just drive it underground? And would that move give you more control over the situation, or less?

When this happened in our house, I told the teen involved to stop using the basement; aside from the candles burning next to the gas-fired furnace being something of a safety hazard, I told him that since the secret was out, his bedroom would be much more comfortable. Stay in the house. Use birth control. Don't let your girlfriend wander around the house naked. Otherwise, it was up to him.

The girl's parents? We told them. The girl's birth control? We supplied the boy with condoms; the girl's family put her on the pill.. Otherwise, we let them alone, under the principal that if they're gonna, they're gonna. Acknowledging it gives you some control; denying it gives you less.

Eventually, the boy moved on to other women, and the girl moved on to other men. Neither got STDs, and the girl didn't get pregnant.

I think you miffed a little, though, Gary, bringing up the legal issues first. Concerned is already wigged out; talking about discussing things with a family lawyer before addressing other issues is not going to wig him out less.

Horse sense, that's what I (arrogantly) say.

Cary is right on both counts.

You don't have to demonize sexuality or shame your son or the girl for doing what comes naturally-- but do have a discussion with him regarding the practical consequences and necessary precautions. Talk to him about his future plans, how he can protect his plans, and how he can employ self-respect and respect for his partners as a gentleman.

It is a myth that all men refuse to wear condoms. Nice, good men do wear protection and can enjoy themselves while not putting their partners at risk for an unwanted pregnancy or std.

It is okay that you personally feel awkward about his having sex and don't want your son doing it in your home. He is still a dependant teenager after all, not like a grown man in his 20s who is bringing home his fiancee at the holidays.

There is something just too weird about parents and children being comfortable with each other's sexuality. There is no need to push it.

I remember very briefly dating a guy in college who introduced me to his father very early into our experience and it was very clear he was showing me off to his dad as a sexual conquest rather as a girl he was dating. The "relationship" lasted about 30 seconds after that because I didn't feel I had his respect and the idea that sons would try to brag to their dads about their sex lives grossed me out on so many different levels.