That letter could have been written by me about four or five years ago. Same age, same realizations, same problems. The only thing I can offer by way of being five years ahead of this guy is that there are some people who won't forgive you, no matter what. You don't need their forgiveness. I chased after one person, trying to apologize profusely, he wouldn't listen, and at one time I had considered him a good friend. Now after seeing him alienate a few other people with his passive-agressive behavior, I realize, it's him, not me. So I let him go, don't see him much, don't talk to him at all. I remember the good times we had with him and his wife, but I'm not going to hold my breath waiting around for his forgiveness. Even though he and his wife inspired me to look for the kind of relationship that they have together, and now that I've found her, I'd like to introduce her to them, but I have to accept that that day may never come.

Just be yourself, breathe in, breathe out. One day at a time.

Have you asked anyone? Maybe you're still a raging asshole but now you're smug about it.

Cary gave you really good advice. I don't think you need to go out of your way to apologize to anyone, but if the time comes where it's appropriate to do so, by all means, it is a healing experience on both sides.

What you really need to do from here on out is turn your self-awareness into compassion. Now you know that people themselves are separate from their behavior, so be kind when you judge others. This may get difficult as you become accustomed to being a "good" person.

Humane, decent, temperate. Letters like this are why I come back to this column time after time.

I still can't believe what you said to me after work that time.

Yo, Mr. LW Jerk, man could I have written that post once! Without going into the boring details, I know exactly what you're talking about.

First, never forget what you've done in the past, because that makes it much easier to be a good person now. I never overly respected people who were naturally 'good people' (still don't) because they never had to overcome their dark sides - it was no struggle to be decent, they just did that naturally (part of me would say because they lacked imagination)*. I find people who've defeated their inner demons to be more sincere in being good - lets face it - you had to admit and realize all the evils you gleefully took part in at the expense of others. Now you have your lifetime to attone for it - I'd sure trust you to feed my cats!

Re: Running into people - well that can happen. Are you living in your old hometown? Really after all these years wouldn't it be water under the bridge? Once in high school I flipped off the wrong gang of older teens in their car. They chased me down (me being only on a bike) and took turns holding me up while others were punching me. I was rather unhappy at the time but one gets over these things over time (GFs, discovering sex, etc. gets one past a lot). 10+ years later this guy in Richmond VA. comes up to me crying, talking about how he was one of the 5 guys, how sorry he's been for years. I couldn't get rid of him! Long story short - the people you wrong get over these things - maybe better than you get over the guilt.

* Seriously, 'good people' are normally frauds anyway. They just act 'good' while they rob you blind or bang your GF

I probably dated you. Jerky.

If you happen to run into one of the people you think you were a jerk too just be your new self. Maybe reminding them back to that time you treated them badly just makes them feel crappy a second time. Or maybe they don't even remember.

You sound like the jerk I used to know, even if you're not him. So let me pretend you are him and maybe you can pretend I'm one of those people you offended:

I know you fear running into me or the others. I do hate running into you, but I like that lately when our paths have crossed, we have said little.

I knew you when you were a jerk, and I've seen you change, and I've said as much to our mutual friends (well, most are, like myself, your ex-friends). We've all noticed by the way. So now your reputation is complete: You were a jerk; you're much nicer now.

Please don't apologize to me, by the way. You never did any one thing that was so bad that it merits an apology years later. Truth is, we're all jerks every once in a while. But you were frequently a jerk, and somehow, you rarely apologized the day after being a jerk, or after being called on your jerkiness, and when you did apologize, you undermined your apology by casting yourself as the victim or by being sarcastic. '

So can you leave it at goodbye?

Chances are that you will never repair your reputation with people you were mean and nasty to way back when. And chances are, when someone you were awful to sees you on the street or in a store, they will avoid you like the plague. You don't really have to worry about them voluntarily approaching you. And you would have to work pretty hard to convince them that you are not still a jerk, as that is what you will always be, to them. If you see them and apologize, they may simply wonder what your game is now and if this is a new way you have found to get under their skin and make them feel bad...again.

That doesn't mean that, given the chance, you should not apologize. This is your way of saying that you know you did wrong to them and feel remorse. An apology is your recognition of the wrong you did, and an acknowledgement of the personhood of the other, who did not deserve what you did. They may forgive you, they may not. It's not about forgiveness or acceptance. Forget that. People have been known to forgive someone who killed their child; it doesn't mean they want that person in their life and it doesn't mean they forget what the killer did. The killer may be very remorseful. He may have changed. But the relationship is unlikely to go forward from there, not in the killer's case nor in your own. If you were very jerky, you may have killed something in them, and they may not be able to get past it. Accept that by being a jerk, you may have damaged others and they may not be able to ever see you as a good person.

As part of giving up being a jerk, give up the concept that you can control or change the feelings of others toward you. You can only control how you behave. What comes of being a better, kinder, gentler person is that new people are more likely to like you and enjoy your company. Those who remember the old you may not be moved. That's OK. Do you really want to struggle to overcome an old and justified negative response to you? How is that healthy for either of you? Probably, it's better that you both move on, and if, someday, the other person decides that you might be worth knowing, you might want to know him or her then, too.

Not being a jerk is its own reward, really. It's so much easier, so much more pleasant to be kind, decent, friendly, helpful, loving. Interactions go more smoothly, life is better and more joyful. Enjoy and treasure the difference.