That's all there is to it. It has nothing to do with you. It might have something to do with not having small childen and more time to spend on hair and nails, but it definitely has nothing to do with you.

Oh goodness. HOW long has it been? Ten years? Honey, she was overdue for a change of hairstyle. And when it's short to begin with, you know, there's only really one way to go.

She was probably uncomfortable with herself (biting of nails, not wanting to change her hair to something unfamiliar). Now she's older. Wiser. More confident. Likes the way her face and body turned out (did she "age" gracefully?)...

That's just the direction she went. It's not to spite the LW nor is it to prove something. She'd have stalked him and popped up in unexpected places if that's what she wanted to do.

You are clearly heading into your late thirties and you've been divorced from this woman for more than a decade. And you're thinking about her hair and nails?

Maybe it has to do with your satisfaction with her just the way she is. The fact that you pushed her to look different for you probably made her dig in her heels--"Why won't you love me as I am?"

This obsession seems pointless and childish.

I've been with someone who considered me a project and I've been with someone (now for 21 years) who likes me just as I am. I can tell you who makes me happier.

That's just the way it is. It is nothing to do with you, the person you were then, or the person you are now. This has everything to do with the person she was then and the person she is now. You are not the same person you were so many years ago, either. Maybe she sees the more-seasoned you and occasionally wonders "why not with me?" about the person you have become.

I don't believe that people 'get over' big loves. I do believe in transcendence, but there will always be a little melancholy, even if you have moved on with your life. There can't not be, whenever feelings were that strong. That's totally OK, as long as you don't let it consume you or affect your life as it is now.

Young mom--busy, busy, busy...Tired..Tired ...Tired...she is going to go with a familar, low maintenance,easy style. She was young with huge responsibilities--not a time a person is likely to give up nail-biting either. Now, she is older. Her child is older. Even if she worked back then and even if she works a lot now--she has more time. Her child is older. She may also be one of those people who developed sensual confidence when she was older rather than younger. That's it.

And your obsession with the state of your ex-wife's hair and fingernails TEN YEARS after you've gotten divorced is not in any way creepy as all hell.

(I think the letter writer was Donnie Pfaster, the hair-and-fingernail fetishist villian on a couple episodes of "The X-Files." Or at least I hope that's who the letter writer is, because that guy's fictional.)

I'm not sure I understand this LW, or Cary's answer, so I have a couple of questions of my own.

1. Is there anyone who chooses their hairstyle based on what their partner likes rather than their own preference?

That's kind of an odd idea to me. Maybe she didn't grow her hair because she didn't feel like it then. I've never had a partner seriously suggest that I change my hairstyle for him.

2. And even if she did change her hair for him because she loved him more (or whatever insult to his pride the LW seems to be imagining) - so what? Obviously you weren't the love of her life or vice versa. If there was a message to him, seems like it was in the divorce papers a decade ago.

You couldn't control her, she wouldn't perform for you on command, wah wah wah. She loves him better, wah wah wah. Whatcha gonna do about it? Cry on the internet? Yeah? Well go ahead and cry, baby. Wah wah wah. I wonder why she moved on.

was not that into you then and she's not now either. Dumbass.

...It seems LW has not even considered the possibility that just maybe in the decade plus since they were together, his ex may simply have, y'know, changed? Changed styles, changed self-image, it does happen!

This is really a bizarre issue to still have lingering around. So she didn't grow out her hair for you... is this something you are seriously still hung up on, more than ten years down the road? Did it occur to you then that maybe she liked the way she looked with her hair short? Or at least that she had her own reasons for keeping it that way, and that your inability to accept how she chose to groom herself might have resulted in even more resistance, even if it was indirect? The awkward-hair-stage claim may well have been true, but it also sounds like the kind of thing she might have said if she was unable to say, outright, "No, the answer is no, that's not what I want for myself, quit asking."

Here is what I see a lot of in this letter: "I wanted her to grow it long..." "a habit that annoyed me..." "I don't understand..." "I really wanted..." "never took my request seriously..."

What's to understand, man? Not your hair, not your show. Time to move on.

something to consider

First off, I hate the way people attack the LW. He's not crazy. It's just a question that is bugging him and what better way to explore it than to write to Cary, who has written, as usual, an incredibly thoughtful, caring and considered response. The questions and answers nearly always make me reflect and think. So a bit thank you today to both of you.

I'm going to add my experience in case it gives the LW something else useful to chew on:

This could have been me in some ways. I cut my beautiful long blonde hair off when I was about 22 and kept it short until a few years ago - I am now 41. I used to bite my nails.

Part of it was a reaction to the whole world telling me as a young woman that being desirable and pretty was my number one job. I didn't want random male attention, and I didn't want to look like a 'girly girl' in that way. Wearing my hair short felt like an expression of my own sexual identity. That I wasn't just here to please.

I also didn't like people - anyone, my boyfriend, anyone - telling what to do or how to be. Still don't.

Now I'm older. Things have changed. I don't get that attention anyway - and before anyone jumps to the wrong conclusion I never felt it was complimentary. Partly as a result of not having to contend with that sort of automatic male sexual attention that I got when I was younger, and also as a result of being more confident in every way myself, I feel 'ready' to be beautiful in more of a traditional way. So now my hair is long and blonde, my nails are, um, well I don't bite them. Tehy sill look pretty bad. (I have my own question for people out there: does this matter? I mean, do you make judgements on attractiveness etc based on nail care?) As I've changed so has the way I carry myself in the world and the choices I make with my appearance.

Maybe your ex has had a similar experience. It's profoundly meaningful, in a way, how we choose to present ourselves to the world. But it's complex and there are a lot of factors involved.