What a beautiful response, Cary. And LW, you sound like a lovely person who deserves to and will meet and create a relationship with someone great. Everything you said - from checking with the brother first to the way you got in touch to the way you ended it sounds classy and great.

BUT ... See, I kind of liked the sound of him sending you both that email. It sounds klutzy, as you said, but also honest and open.

Is it more that he has chosen to see someone else that hurts? That would really hurt me. And it would take me ages to get over it. It's a big deal to really like someone and get close and start falling for them. And then it's a big deal to be rejected.

And the fact that then he wrote you that note saying you couldn't be compared ... well it makes me wonder. Is he seeing if the door is still open?

I know this is a different point of view and Cary has such a great one that I am almost convinced by him, but on first reading your letter I thought it might be good to meet for lunch. In the clear light of day. NO candlelight, no music, no laughing and flirting. As friends. Have a friendly conversation. Make it clear you have no claim on him so he feels like he can be open. And see what you have to say to one another. Could be, being just divorced, he wants to stay uncommitted and unexclusive for a while. I can understand that. Could be that you two could remain friends in the meantime. Or you might find a way to make progress in your relatinoship in a way that satisfied you both. Or, final option,you might have it confirmed that in fact you do not want to see this guy.

But what he did is not so terrible. I bet it felt terrible - to be rejected is foul - but to me, particularly in view of the note he wrote later, I don't think it was terrible.

Sigh. I am somewhat incoherent because I'm hungry.

I think the question you asked was sort of on the lines of "would he be worth giving another chance sometime," and to that I would say-probably, yes. I agree that the email was tacky, even given that it might well have been the first time he's been in this situation. However, we all do stupid things, and I don't think what he was doing was wrong because - well, I don't mind open relationships anyway, but the guy was newly divorced and not settling down with one person too soon is a healthy thing.

But it doesn't work for you, so you did the right thing. So now he knows how you feel about that sort of thing, and I think it's entirely possible that once the dust settles and he's ready for something serious, he might think of you. Just talk it out with him if he does contact you again.

I'm not so quick to dismiss the nice things you felt from him. There is no reason to doubt that the connection you thought you had was real. Just understand that it can be real with more than one.

... he's a guy, for heaven's sake, they do clumsy things like that sometimes. I'd give him a second chance.

It may be that you're not suited, but I don't think you have enough data points to know that yet. I also can't blame him for seeing more than one woman at a time if you hadn't agreed to be committed, and by the small amount of time you'd been spending together, that would be asking a lot so early on!

But everything Cary said has merit, too. Could be that his warmth towards you was just sales, but it's actually too early to know that too. You can't write off every guy for giving you what you want. For some of them it will be fake but for others it will be real, again, time will tell.

except maybe for a nice plate of spaghetti and meatballs with heaps of parmesan cheese on top...

so I would say, run for the hills.

This guy wants to keep you perpetually at arm's length, because he wants to be in some kind of triangle where he is the ultimate object of desire for competing women, just beyond your reach, never quite allowing himself to be possessed, but keeping that tantalizing possibility in your sights. Don't mistake that email for simple honesty and openness. Creepy? Yes. And manipulative.

I think it's kind and considerate for a guy to let you know he's dating other people.

But not the way he did it! That's just weird. In either a sociopathic or socially retarded kind of way.

The most important thing I've learned from past relationships is to listen to my inner voice and trust my instincts. So just go w/ whatever your instincts are telling you.

Let's see . .. my girlfriend (35 yrs ago) announced that she had been seeing both me and another guy. She said she wanted a time out from both if us to make up her mind. The other guy obeyed the rule like a gentleman. I initially agreed but then decided to create reasons to keep seeing her (faint heart . . . fair maiden, etc.). We're still married. Except for gender, this sounds like LW's situation. Is gender important here?

never never date a newly divorced guy. Or a newly divorced woman, if you are a guy. Unless you are absolutely sure you do not want to get serious. The newly divorced, or newly widowed person has a lot of healing ahead and really should not be jumping into a relationship either. But you--the person who is not grieving--are the sane one. And, I think, more responsible for your actions.

You have signaled your interest. Let the other woman (poor thing) deal with his issues right now. You just got a taste of them. He will be back, trust me.