I write this as a mother. You cannot save your mother. You can suggest things, like psychiatric evaluation and visiting a clinic. You can also be aware that she could find herself in an emergency situation, and need help that you can give. You can keep track of her symptoms and be sympathetic. But your father and mother have a system that you cannot save them from, and can hardly even understand. You first concern should be your brother--he needs a refuge and a way to get there. He also needs someone to talk to. You and your siblings need a way to understand this situation and come to terms with it. Your parents are more or less a lost cause and only a crisis could save them (but probably won't). It's hard to see this happen, but you would make it worse by entering the situation and trying to change it. That's my opinion.

You have my full sympathy. Life is not supposed to be like that and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with these things. I don't have an experience that is similar; however, I can give you this advice: Cling to the truth and don't let yourself change it so that it will be easier to cope with. Don't lie to yourself or to her or to anyone else. And even when your own personal truth changes from day to day, cling to it as your truth. Especially for your brother's sake, don't be afraid to state the truth as you see it.

LW, you are really in a hard place. It's scary and difficult - and Cary's advice is good.

The one thing I'd add is this: Sometimes it really helps to talk to people who have been in the same situation. There's a group called NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness - of family members, advocates, and sufferers of mental illness. Their website is http://www.nami.org/ .

They also have a page where you can search for local chapters. http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Your_Local_NAMI&Template=/CustomSource/AffiliateFinder.cfm&lstid=333

Many people have been where you are - and some of them belong to this group. Talking with them may help.

My thoughts are with you. Good luck.

It's not easy. I remember the role reversal my mother went through with my Grandmother. After the family matriarch had hip replacement surgery the doctor told her not to drive but didn't put the paperwork in motion to have the state yank her license. So she was out driving around claiming she needed to as a resident of rural America. My mother pointed out she could rely on others to do her errands but she didn't want to surrender her independence. In her own defense she would say, "Well A, B and C are still driving." My mother would respond, "But A, B and C are not my parent."

After my grandmother died we found she had six sets of car keys, perhaps as back-ups in case one was confiscated. I loved my Grandmother deeply but she was no role model on how to accept the limitations which come with age.

I am sorry you and your siblings are in this position. Your father and mother both sound mentally ill in different ways, perhaps your father is the more functional person but with rage issues of some kind.

A friend of mine was the sole voice of sanity in a family steeped in denial over her adult brother's descent into mental illness. It took over five years of watching his continual and obvious decline and a very serious threat of violence before the family finally unified in getting this young man to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. In that case, the mother whom he lived with at the time was the most in denial about his condition--being anti-western medicine in general, she had convinced herself during his worst times that he was on some kind of enlightened spiritual path that ordinary mortals just couldn't comprehend. Even after he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, she would encourage him to forego taking his medication and he did not improve until he moved out of her home. I guess my point is that sometimes mentally ill people can be co-dependent in a way that might explain your parent's marriage-- but really I have no idea.

I remember my friend during this time, when she was powerless to force her brother into treatment and seemingly powerless to force her parents to intervene to get him the medical help he so obviously needed (he was truly incapable of seeking help himself during the worst time).

It took a crisis, a kitchen knife, a 911 call to finally break the impasse.

My understanding is that the threshold to force an adult into a pyschiatric evaluation is the threat of an immediate harm to self or others.

Your mother is probably heading toward some sort of self-harm or suicidal ideation-- it seems there in the gist of your letter that the voices she hears are prompting her toward self-harm.

If you can't gently get her to a doctor's appointment on a voluntarily basis, listen to her carefully. Instruct your teenage brother to call 911 at the very slightest threat of harm to self or others.

Again, I am sorry for what you are going through. There is a little bit you can do, but not a lot. So go easy on yourself and do the best you can to help your family. Once you have exhausted all options available to you personally, you can at least have the comfort of knowing you did the best you could, and unfortunately, the outcome is really not up to you.

I hope that your mom and dad will both ultimately get the help and healing they need, and that you and your siblings will gain some peace.

There is nothing you can do for your mother. Even if you get a psychiatrist to come to your house, unless she is willing to meet him and take medicine OR unless she is a physical danger to herself and/or others (i.e. wielding a gun or hitting people with a skillet), there is nothing you can do. I'm in a similar situation. My mother has a treatable illness which can become deadly if not treated. She refuses treatment because of a legion of issues with paranoia. A psychiatrist came to my home. Nothing can be done. She will definitely die without treatment but apparently that does not meet the legal definition of harming herself. Did I mention I'm a lawyer?

As for your relatives, next time, put it back on them. Tell them they can do whatever they want to solve the situation. They'll do nothing and eventually keep quiet because no one wants to put their money where there mouth is.

You should not feel like you have to hide this. Your parents' issues aren't yours and are not a negative reflection on you. I tell all my co-workers & friends so when my mom calls my cell at work and they can tell something is going on, I get nothing but support. On the other hand, you can't do that at all offices so you'll have to be the judge of how your co-workers would react.