I saw this one coming. My God, what I would love to know is what techniques of propaganda have produced this utterly skewed world view with such near-complete efficacy.

Can you seriously tell me that a life significantly worse than the one this woman already has is not reasonably possible, and that her fear of ending up worse off is completely unrealistic? Then I have no clue who you know. A person would have to go through life with blinders on not to know that literally millions of divorced women in America have it even worse than LW. A worse life is within the realm of possibility. A person has to confront that fact, and work through it in own their mind -- and have solid information as well as emotional support to work through it effectively -- in order to get beyond it. Fear is realistic. Failure is realistic. People who can't confront that squarely and deal with it usually don't act. They stagnate. There is no point in trying to chase these facts away. It takes a lot of energy to lie to yourself, energy that would be better spent in making a realistic plan that takes human fear and human failure into account. Because the former is normal, and the latter is possible.

As for "doing it alone," that is literally impossible. I had hoped against hope that 9/11 would teach Americans something about interdependency, and about the precariousness of our way of life, but I knew that was unlikely. This individualistic mantra is something you won't give up until you have to. It's a combination of self-flagellation and conceit, but all right, every culture has its blind spots.

Yes, you are right. Sometimes families do shun their own. It does happen. It is not typical, however. Nothing this LW said made me think that her family would go to such extremes, but it's certainly possible. What she has said is not on its face particularly disturbing, at least not to me. It's what she hasn't said that is. No mention of a mother, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin. Why not? Where are these people? I haven't a clue.

The starting point is a GOOD lawyer. One who is highly experienced and works with a psychological counselor who specializes in these cases. From everything this woman has said, I can see she needs some first-rate professional advice, and that she is very unlikely to be able to act unless she obtains this. First things first. The key point is that such help is available. Her biggest problem is her irrational belief that she can't obtain it -- to the point of fantasizing about hocking her ring. That is pretty bad. She has got to get herself out of that bizarre state of helplessness. I like the way Cary told her to quit being a chump.

(Oh, and P.S. Why did so many people assume LW worked at home because she was a bad worker? Well, my goodness. The answer is staring you in the face. LW is an individual, responsible for everything that happens to her. If she had to bring work home, it HAD to be her own fault. And if she married the wrong man, it goes without saying that that's entirely her own fault, too. Pfft!)

Her problem is that after seeing what this "lovely, affluent, cosy world" she has been living in is really like, she's petrified to the bone that the world that looks so much worse on the outside is even worse than hers on the inside. And the real problem is that she may be right.

She isn't right.

The world outside is no worse and can, if you want it to be, be even better. There are a lot of "necessities" you don't need, and if you can figure out what they are and drop them, your quality of life goes up, even as your income goes down.

A mother and child alone can live in a small apartment, thus doing away with home maintenance, appliance replacement and lawncare, often for less than a mortgage payment. Kids think cheap meals are fun, and they don't care if the movie they're watching is a DVD from the library instead of purchased brand-new. They can also be taught that second-hand is a good bargain if Mom treats her own second-hand things as good bargains rather than sources of shame. They don't like living in squalor, but tidy is sufficient, just enough so they can bring friends over. No need to keep the place spotless.

My living expenses and workload are significantly lower as a single mother, with a better overall quality of life. It's very hard to beat that.

I also think that everybody needs close friends and family to support them when they go through a divorce. This "do it yourself" business is bull shit. No one can do this alone, and anyone who says they did is remarkably lacking in perceptiveness, and gratitude.

It can be done alone, but not initiated alone unless one is truly desperate. I went through my divorce with no family support and few friends, but he filed. I had no choice at that point. It forced me to survive, even though circumstances were far from optimal.

That's one reason I suggest she "let herself go", become useless and unattractive to him. If he files, or does something so extreme that she has no options left, she will HAVE to live through it, and then it will be over.

Plenty of people are "violently opposed" to all sorts of things -- gays, hippies, pregnant teenagers, you name it -- until their own son is gay, or their daughter is pregnant. Then they rally around their family member, because that is what families do.

Not always true. Sometimes a family will abuse or expel the offender. Not only have I been on the receiving end, I had a friend who was disowned for offending the family sensibilities. Think of honor killings. They may be illegal, but the idea behind them hasn't left us.

Families inflict more abuse than any other institution, except possibly prisons.

As far as husbands and enough money to live independently are concerned, it doesn't even have to be enough money to live independently. Some will strike when the wife makes any money at all. The second she brings home a paycheck of any size, she is a threat. They can also be upset by having to do more for themselves, as the wife is now giving more of her energy and attention to her employer.

Here's something that puzzles me. Why do people assume that the LW took work home because she was inefficient? I work entirely at home. Others split time between office and home. This is something working mothers often seek out and ask for. Many will deliberately acquire skills that lend themselves to this kind of arrangement.

So why assume she was just bad at her job?