it's easy enough to survive in a way it wouldn't be in your own country. Payroll taxes are lower since the host country doesn't with-hold for retirement, etc. But, when you come home you find your time overseas, and it may have spanned a decade, is looked upon as exotic resume filler devoid of job skills by employers who prefer to hire those with known quantity work histories.

One person I know inherited his parents' home in a small mid-western city and was able to move back with a Chinese wife, who supports him just as she did in Taiwan, and two kids after nearly two decades abroad. Another person I know married into a middle class life. If neither of these possibilities are on the horizon for LW, she'd better inventory her skills and identify job possibilities. Study abroad programs often need expats with on the ground living experience, for example. They don't pay much, but it's better than nothing.

I too was once a high achiever who lost her balance. You are obviously depressed (suicidal thoughts are a sign of major depression). Even though it was a few months ago, you are still dealing with a lit of depression. I suggest you take cary's advice and return home for a while if that is possible. I also suggest you see a psychiatry who can prescribe something that will help alleviate the heavy stuff you are carrying around. Good luck.

LW you obviously have the ability to work abroad, you've had success (which is hard to find with lit major, no?) and you've hit a run of bad luck. Part of your problem is the first time you 'went backpacking' you were ignorant of the negative posibilities out there, and now you're not. It was easy to be brave and adventuring when you didn't know the consequences, but now you do. If you ignore your doubts and take risks, the chance of success this time is greater than last time, because you've lived more, you know the business more, and as further motivation you know how much you don't want to be flipping burgers. Best thing is you're really young, you don't have a home, mortgage or kids holding you back. If you do take a big chance and fail, well so what? You're not failing another person, nobody's going to go without dinner besides you. Good luck!

I'm in my mid 20s and have fucked up my entire life with worthless artistic pursuits. I am now living with my mom again and working as a janitor locked up in a lonely building at night, I've no social life and have suicidal thoughts often. Thing is, I haven't 100% given up on myself and I look forward to the adventure. I am going to save a little money and just take off, I know what I did wrong the first time. Escape stagnation anyways possible, sitting at your moms house eating food all day won't get you anywhere, take another chance, if the world kills you then so be it.

Washington, DC., offers cheap accommodation (compared to NY or SF) and it would seem your international background would open doors for you. Though it's easier to get a job when you have a job, you have your youth. If you were 40, it would be a lot tougher.

DC is a young person's town and it has a fairly high turnover as people come and go. You don't need to buy a car, it has excellent public transportation. Who is your Congressman, could s/he use your services?

I second every word you wrote.

People mix up writing with being an artist all the time. There are writing jobs: journalism; text book writing; ghost writing for eg. These are generally poorly paid and exploited industries that people nevertheless have to compete hard to do well in. Google Dan Baum Twitter New Yorker if you want to see what it's like at the very very tippy top top.

Then there's the art of fiction. This is NOT a job, it's a calling, and it's even more poorly paid, more exploited, the prospects are way worse, than the jobs described above. Wanting to make a living as a fiction writer is like wanting to make a living as an actor - you can expect to do a lot of waitressing, or whatever you can do that brings in the bucks.

A lot of people in the first para above start out wanting to be in the second para. I don't know why. If you really want to be in the second para find a secure job is as relaxing and full of options as possible, and, most important, WELL PAID.

I know whereof I speak. My third novel is coming out next March. It's only been, what, um ... fifteen years to get here. I know there are meteoric rising stars who make it much younger than I do, but if you have a look at them now, they are still not necessarily earning enough or writing enough.

Fiction is a race. It's not something you go get a degree in and then slam a book out that the whole wants to read. No matter how much the HUGE how-to-write industry would like you to believe that. It's an art. It requires you to have lived some life. That's what you're doing now.

Don't despair. And change the settings on your timetable vis a vis your writing career. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and the more you can settle in for the long haul the better off you'll be.

I meant to say fiction is NOT a race.

I find it impressive that you struck out on your own so young and did some exploring. That is more than our last President can say. You are being so hard on yourself! So you've had some disappointments. It's a part of the human experience. Just because you haven't gotten published or made lots of money does not make you a failure dammit!

Have you been kind? Have you loved and been loved? Do you smile at people sometimes? Then you are doing great.

Quit beating on yourself! That is the voice of the critic, the editor, the judge and it comes from ego struggling to take over. You are imagining that what you think is real, which is not true. Cary is right that to recharge and find some energy for other pursuits will do you well.

Here's a little secret: NOBODY really knows what they are doing. If they say they do, run! We are all just figuring this life out... wandering, or staying put.