... buy plastic flippers. Tada!

...that you people think he fell off the wagon because his response isn't up to your standards of advice columns.

go back to ask amy, gosh.

I did once know someone who had a web between two toes on one foot. I thought it was a shame that he didn't have it on both feet, and wondered if he had a tendency to swim in wide circles.

-- metamanda

Just off the top of my head I'm thinking it would take more web than THAT to make one swim in wide circles, especially in the tub.

Ignore the haters!

I did once know someone who had a web between two toes on one foot. I thought it was a shame that he didn't have it on both feet, and wondered if he had a tendency to swim in wide circles.

Sit and wish for this. Wish for it for hours. Fix it in your mind as you sit. Imagine it. Dream it. Rub special cream on your toes.

I couldn't submit a more capable process than what Cary outlines here if one desires to accurately embody the Dylan Thomas cockle-gatherer.

Right you are.

Key words: "I don't know Cary Tennis."

I don't know you so I wouldn't write something horribly judgmental about you, that actually reflects badly on me like, say, "You sound fat." See? Isn't that ugly?

But, whatever. You win the internet.

P.S.

Wouldn't be cool to have x-ray vision? I wonder, though, would you give yourself radiation poisoning? You'd be all like born with these badass x-ray eyes, only to die of bone cancer at aged nine or something. That would suck. What about MRI eyes? But then you'd always have to worry about to much iron in your diet. You'd be all anemic and couldn't get any prison tattoos.

I too was kind of annoyed at first at such a preposterous letter, and webbed feet don't sound terribly poetic to me. But the idea itself of wishing for something that doesn't make sense and through that allow another, possibly buried wish to become revealed and realized, I think it's very nice. And like Cary I too wished as a child that I could levitate and thought maybe it was actually possible. It's good to remind yourself of childhood wishes sometimes.

Does anyone else think someone is posting under multiple names?

Cary's defenders to the rescue. Heard of codependency? Maybe Laurel (and I, for that matter) have experience that you don't in how far some people will go to stay at the center of the universe. For example, writing an "advice" column, and failing to consider the letters sent one, other than insofar as they can allow one to go off on a soliloquy about oneself.

This letter, whether or not written by Cary himself, is just inane. It's so much less compelling than even a tormented artiste who is forced to make a living to support the children s/he brought into the world.

I DO have experience with alcoholism, the badge of honor bestowed by my 15 years of marriage to my first husband. I don't know Cary Tennis personally, but I would be willing to bet no small amount of money that he is either drinking again, or using some other substance; he DID use narcotics after some minor surgery.

If he has chosen to abandon all he knows about the slyness and sneakiness of addiction, it's sad and worrisome. The fact that Joan continues to have him write this column, in the face of his clear problems is even more so. There are plenty of OK to good to great advice columnists out there, and the one thing that they have in common is that, even in long replies, (think Carolyn Hax) they keep the point on the LW, not themself.

Both Cary and some of his readers need help. Muggles. Jesus. Are we 10 years old?

I can't believe you guys didn't get the joke.

Cary's got a column and you don't. Don't hate.

and join the Esoteric Order of Dagon.

You guys are freakin' MEAN.

I too am amused by the apoplexy. It is a lot more entertaining than the letter. Maybe that was what Cary intended!

I don't even read his responses, just the comments. I think Salon should hire Laurel as the new advice columnist. At least she seems sober and sane.

Quoth Laurel 962

"The point of an advice column is to select compelling letters about REAL PROBLEMS, and then thoughtfully give THE READER ADVICE, not just to ruminate on your own spoiled, privileged existence. You have deviated from anything remotely resembling "an advice column" for so long and so completely, that honestly I think it is time to call it quits."

Gimme a break----the point of this column is to entertain, amuse, and to provide folks with something to get all worked up about and impell them into meaningless conversation (not to mention occasional apoplexy)and generally amuse the unamused (like myself).

Personally, I enjoy Cary, even when (or especially when) he gets really freaky.

Cheers

1. Plastic surgery, baby. Some Dr. somewhere would do it. I've seen, as only one example, a guy with metal spikes as a Mohawk(!)

Or...

2. Really good acid.

The question was symbolic, the answer was symbolic. Didn't stop either from being unnecessary and just downright stupid.

but please explain to me how this letter enlightens or educates? I guess someone could be entertained by it, but I don't see it myself. It seems that in places like advice columns where people, some desparate, go for help with real problems, that it is an insult to indulge in half-assed philosophical writing exercises about people "yearning for the impossible." How about people who yearn for the very possible, but simply can't achieve it without a little guidance?

The prettier example would have been to write about yearning for wings, as that has some better metaphorical ties to Cary's response. But webbed feet? There really are people with webbed digits, and most probably don't think it's funny. If you could have them, it wouldn't free you in any way.

This was stupid, and my lack of appreciation for it doesn't mean that my soul or sense of humor is dead. You aren't better than I because you claim to find it enlightening, educatinal or entertaining. You are worse.