Having lived in London for the last fifteen years or so, getting smashed up together in a pub is a common British courting riutual. The fact that she isn't wearing a wedding ring (what, is it broken or something?) also makes me question a little how into her marriage she is.

Still, from the way the LW went psycho when he found she was married, you can tell he doesn't have the chops to carry out any potential seduction. Some sort of clumsy, ham-fisted move on his part is a disaster too horrible to imagine.

He needs to back off, hit the gym and start dating someone else (if he isn't already). He'll be a lot happier and in the remote chance she is interested, a lot more attractive package.

...later I found out she was married. I stayed very calm and almost the same way I was before, but for a moment I got furious inside and kept that aggression inside and did not reveal the mood swing.

Sheesh dude. I'm picturing you like Joe Spinell in Maniac!

I hope you're not half as creepy as you come off in this letter.

Which makes me wonder - does she "accept his offers for drinks" in big groups at the pub after work? If so, he could well be as creepy in person as in his letter. If she's meeting with him, casually and one on one, she either is too young and polite to know how to say no to an invitation (more common than you might think) or he doesn't come across as deeply creepy.

What I found the most disturbing about this letter was the idea that he became angry when he found out she was married. Angry? How on earth is that appropriate? She didn't lie to him, didn't betray him. The implication is that either he felt that she belonged to him in some way because he wanted her, or he just reacts with anger to anything that makes him unhappy. Either way, I hope she stays as far away as she can manage while keeping her job.

She's wonderful. Delicious. Fantastic. I would relish the feelings but be cautious in your transparency.

The dynamic here could be potentially volatile. She may not even view you as remotely attractive and I can assure you, she doesn't see you as a viable suitor.

I really care little for the moral implications here, rather, I am more interested in the wasting of valuable emotional resources on what appears to be the average happily married woman.

Who knows, she and her husband may be closeted swingers. Get to know both of them and after time maybe they'll invite you to a play party.

+++++++++++++

Cary, terribly sorry for your loss. I wish you the best of mental and emotional comfort in the coming months.

"Since the LW claims that he and his desired one can talk about pretty much anything, they probably ought to talk about why they are meeting for drinks, or is that the elephant in the room?"

Well, no, here in Western society, it's not a scandal for equal colleages (male, female or whatever) to socialize after work. Not a scandal, pretty common, for co-workers to meet after work to unwind.

No, the woman most likely sees it this way and no, she's not some slut looking to get laid just. She's being polite in accepting this invitation.

...who suggested from internal evidence in the LW's letter that he may be British is probably correct.

There is always a problem with this kind of issue that readers are given minimal background information, and clearly there are all kinds of social nuances in different locations that may affect the outcome.

For example in the part of the world where I live, a married female employee meeting a single male after work for drinks would be a major scandal with risk of a violent outcome.

On the other hand, in London where workers mostly use public transportation and their is a pub on every corner, stopping for a drink after work on the way home with co-workers is probably barely worthy of comment.

However, Cary/Salon generally likes to present the issue as generically as possible, as this will encourage as many people as possible to comment and add their wisdom.

Since the LW claims that he and his desired one can talk about pretty much anything, they probably ought to talk about why they are meeting for drinks, or is that the elephant in the room?

"She tends to be, for some reason, very loyal to her husband and even told me that she wants to have his babies."

What I find most disturbing about the LW isn't that he's got a crush that he persists in confusing with love. But that he's not listening to her. She says NO (I love my husband and want to have babies) and he - somehow - hears, "maybe". What part of NO don't you understand, dude? What does she have to do before you'll respect what are clearly her wishes?

She goes out for drinks with you because she thinks you're her friendly colleague. Not because she's secretly trying to send you a message. If she wanted you, she would make it clear. If people want to do something, they do it.

Find someone else to crush on, or you might lose her friendship.

"She tends to be, for some reason, very loyal to her husband and even told me that she wants to have his babies."

Hmm, for SOME reason. I wonder what it could be? Sheez.

This woman is being polite to you, why can't you simply accept that and move on with your life. You sound like you have real issues. She is married, she is loyal and yet you think she wants you. Why is this? Is it because you find yourself to be someone who others cannot resist? Perhaps you are, even so, leave this woman alone and stop trying to add a another conquest to your list. This is a pure ego trip for you.

Here is a clue, try thinking about other people for once in your life and leave this poor woman alone.