I'm usually one of the first to yell "Troll," but I re-read the letter and I'm not picking up a troll or prankster vibe. Instead, dare I say it? Aspy....

LW we've all been there!!!! About a month ago there was another letter from a woman who couldn't forget the one that got away. Someone said something very smart, I thought...do you want him or do you want to BE him?

That's what I figured out about my crushes. The person had some aspect that was lacking in myself.

...she wouldn't do the following:

-repeatedly mention that she was madly in love with her husband.

-say that she wanted to have his babies.

...and she would do the following:

-give you CLEAR signals that she likes you, whether that be coming right out and saying so directly, or by obviously flirting with you. By necessity, the married person takes the role of the pursuer.

-probably honestly say (or at least hint around) that her marriage was unhappy/unfulfilling in some way.

-be secretive about your relationship. Married people who are actually thinking about cheating will want to keep the "friendship" under wraps because they don't want others to pick up on the frisson of attraction.

I think you two are probably compatible good friends, and she doesn't seem creeped out by you like some of the responders here. (It's funny that the same people who are accusing you of having a tin ear are ignoring some of the hints in your letter. If she was AT ALL creeped out by you or ready to file sexual harassment charges, she isn't going to go out for drinks with you multiple times. Sheesh.) You have a particularly strong crush, so acknowledge it, deal with it in your own head. I really don't think that you know her well enough to love her. Get ok with your lust so that you don't ruin a good friendship.

And when you meet a married co-worker who really wants to sleep with you? You'll know, because she will basically tell you so. I don't want to spawn the wrath of everyone here, but I'm in a similar I-have-a-crush-on-a-married-co-worker situation, except that this married co-worker pursues (unattached) me and shows the signs in the second list. He had to be *really* obvious *because* he's married and I assumed he just wanted to be friends (despite the fact that I have a crush on him, too). But that's probably a situation for Cary...

Cary just gave you very good advice (been there, done that, got the tee-shirt...a useful cliche). Use it.

Cary, I'm so sorry about your Mother. A hard loss.

and that they're not in the US. His use of the term "bogey" is very English, whereas we would say "booger", and his "chatting her up" also indicates British origins. Why is this important? Because I think that makes her going out for drinks with him significantly less meaningful than it would be (maybe) in the US. The after-work pub culture and all that. Meaning, dude, leave her alone, she's married, the end.

Just know that our thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Be well, friend.

These feelings of yours, if you try to forcefully stop them they will crush you.

If you try to pursue them they will likely first humiliate you and then crush you.

That is why it is called a crush.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. In my case I was honest to the object of my affection and talked it out - even though that was difficult to do and embarassing.

It may take a couple years (it did in my case) or it may disappear tomorrow.

You will feel on top of it one day and it will flatten you the next.

These are powerful feelings that admit you as a card carrying member of the human race.

Maybe use this as an opportunity to understand yourself more and try to avoid as much as you can beating yourself up about it.

And if it does occur that you do end up in any relationship it only gets more complicated from there on.

Hopefully in the end it will give you more compassion.

I also call troll.

" for a moment I got furious inside and kept that aggression inside and did not reveal the mood swing"

"She tends to be, for some reason, very loyal to her husband".

Dead giveaways!

He's probably the same guy who wrote to Cary and Prudence in the same week.

If I'm wrong, I worry for that married woman: It might mean he's a stalker in the making.

Yeesh - what is it - women are prostitutes, and cheap ones too - a mere drink means we're available? You're offering a drink, as a friend, she's accepting. She's made it clear - she's married, in love, planning for the future.

Think of yourself married someday, to a woman you love like this one - only more - you've committed to her, and her alone. Then think of some creep at work who sees how nice she is, how innocent, and can only think about trying to take her away. That's you right now - but you can change that.

Worst of all would be if you succeed. What would you get? A woman you'd KNOW was willing to cheat on her husband.

You know how you can show you truly care for this lady? You care about her, you want her to be happy, right? Let her continue to live the life that makes her happy, then. I know what it's like to have it bad for someone unobtainable, but who seems just right for me. (Hoo, boy, do I know. :P) But his wife, child, and life are everything to him; a happiness he's worked hard to attain. As well, hurting his family (who are wonderful people) is a line I could never, ever cross. Back off, put your energies into work or new hobbies, and go date. A _lot_.

Take care of yourself, okay? :(