Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but the LW strikes me as the kind of person who hasn't had too much experience with physical intimacy, etc. - hence the 2nd-grade style comments about "dirty behinds" and whatnot. It's also probably the reason why he is going after a woman who is completely unavailable; real closeness scares the hell out of him.

LW, you need to do a whole lot of maturing before you embark on a relationship. This woman seems like she at least likes you, so use this as a learning opportunity. Meet new friends through her. Get advice on relationships; she seems like she has hers together, so she probably has some wisdom to spare. But DO NOT, for the sake of all that is holy, put the moves on her. You'll screw up your friendship. She'll never trust you again, and rightfully so.

I'm also surprised by some of the comments here that are implying that the object of LW's affection is some kind of a scarlet woman who actually really wants to cheat on her husband. There's plenty of things that our significant others may not understand about our working environment - it helps to be able to chat with someone from the office, someone who gets it. Friendships often include discussion of the more personal elements of our lives, that's how they work. Why is it that anything more than the discussion of the weather or the Yankees is seen by some people as an invitation to adultery? I, for one, don't get it.

Trying to break up my marriage would threaten the lives of my kids. As my elderly mother once said to me re: parenting 'You'd die for your spouse, you'd kill for your children'. She's totally right, and I suspect you know that. I'm not saying that people who cheat deserve death, I'm saying that messing around with married people carries risks that LW doesn't understand. There are instincts stonger than lust.

-- marc22309

Marc, the idea that unbridled jealousy is a requirement for a healthy relationship is hogwash. You know I love you but your mind is duped.

As adults we understand the force and persuasion of attraction.

Though, I must confess, after reading many of the letters here, including yours, I am MORE persuaded that most posters are entirely out of touch with their inner passion and deep emotional response to the environment of life or they just blatantly lie due to self-delusion whenever their fingers hit a keyboard (I am not accusing you, specifically, of lying).

The idea that this LW is a stalker, is S T R A N G E, fucked up, or embodies some other evil derangement is really so absurd as to be teenage fear-drivel.

If this was truly the case then I would be more empathetic of, perhaps, the need to 'defend' the home territory.

In my view, the LW is truly being transparent not criminal or evil. A transparency MANY here are entirely incapable of and who would rather walk about looking at themselves as self-righteous deities who resist all forms of odd internal reactions and responses.

If someone TRIED to break up your marriage and your wife emotionally became involved and was maybe even led into a different relationship with someone else you would, literally, have NO business injuring ANYONE, Marc. Her choice is clear.

Now, if someone actually STALKED or emotionally harangued your wife for a relationship your best bet would be to directly confront the person or go to the cops- NOT take them out with a bullet.

If someone attempted to physically accost your wife and you happened to be there, well, then, the discussion has veered off into an entirely different topic UNRELATED to this one.

= not genuine.

Either that or some 12 year old has enough early facial hair to have scored an office job.

Hey Agile Cyborg - First, the only way to make the letter interesting is in viewing LW is a bit of a loonie. Otherwise LW is just a bore (or my first guess, a hoax). Sam becoming Samantha makes an otherwise annoying letter something out of a thriller IMO.

Re: killing peeps - I have no problem with people flirting with my wife, online or in real life*. If she wanted to bring another person into our relationship (especially a hot chick) I'd certianly consider it and not be heading to the Greensboro Gun Show. My point was about how messing with married people isn't exactly smart on the 'I want to live a long time' level. I underscored it with one's instinct towards protecting one's children - somebody tries to break up my marriage they aren't just messing with my wife or myself, they are messing with my kids. I suspect I'm not the only parent that wouldn't be rational when it comes to somebody messing with my kids, because that's messing with biological impulses that have been with us since before we were humans (or even primates).

*Flirting is good for people and she's a trustworthy person.

This is not love - it's a mix of sexual attraction and borderline obsession.

Find some single women to date!!!! There are plenty out there!!! And get a hobby or start exercising or do something to channel your obsessive energies in a healthier direction. Something that won't hurt anyone else!

Those of us writing to gloat about how great it'll be when the husband socks him in the nose or even kills him in a jealous rage, on the other hand, are solid black belts in reality checking. No chance we're going off the deep end. Nope.

Granted, our letter-writing crusher is solipsistic and is plainly going quite mad. The first line of this letter doesn't fit the rest: "complicated and important matter"? How is this complicated, exactly, other than in the ways Sam distorts everything about the situation? One need only imagine the reaction of the crushee if she found out about his various "bogey" imaginings. The idea of someone being smitten with you becomes significantly less flattering when you know they've been picturing your pimply haunch cellulite during every friendly chat, but then that's the twisted state of Sam's internal life. The woman's flown all the usual (unsubtle) "taken" signals, and Sam's flag is still a' snapping in that almost nonexistent breeze.

For every strange "for some reason" or "kept that aggression inside" in the letter, though, we can count two or three among these letters. Go on, imagine up scenarios involving the husband's reaction to this "ultimate disrespect." Build more elaborate ideas on that foundation -- legal exemptions for crimes of passion, and so on. Yikes!

All things considered, Cary's erred on the side of a forgiving, human response that immediately gets at how thoroughly LW is deluding himself. Even if the letter's a "bit," Mr. Tennis does say a few words that ring true -- about how to keep feelings like this without betraying anyone. That's about what one can do, from the seat of a Web advice columnist.