I too am drawn to moody, broody, in-pain, misunderstood ironists. These infatuations have allowed me to ignore the artist within that is yearning for some validation and a chance to exist. I cannot stay away from these men, yet I come away shocked at how robbed I feel by the encounters.

You just explained to me (and the LW) what's going on.

Specifically, where Harry illustrates his dark side by saying, "When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side." Sally then responds, "That doesn't make you deep or anything."

Here Harry reveals a sort of narcissistic dark side that can be mistaken for self-reflection. In my experience being around someone like that for a sustained period of time can be a real downer and quickly begs the question, "Life is short, do I really want to deal with this?"

Wonderful insightful answer, lovely reading.

Unfortunately there can be no doubt that man is, on the whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. If an inferiority is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it. Furthermore, it is constantly in contact with other interests, so that it is continually subjected to modifications. But if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected.

http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/jung/shadow.htm

I think also that cheery happy people make brooders nervous. They make us wonder why they can be so happy and we can't, or don't want to be. We find them annoying. We wonder if they're kind of stupid - maybe they're just too dumb to realize how awful things really are.

We're all drawn to a type, for all kinds of weird reasons. Its easy to get into a rut with it - you're preprogrammed to start drooling when you see someone sighing into his imported beer. Its good that you've realized this fairly early in the relationship, though.

Time for talk therapy and lots of it, and maybe some deprogramming. Make a commitment to date only sunny guys for a while and see what happens. You might not get that Oh, Baby the first few times you look into their eyes, but that's no guarantee of a good relationship. Maybe some of these guys need a little more time to grow on you.

OK LW, wants to brood darkly and hide her misery, and she wants a man to 'see her misery' and draw her out, is that it? That would mean she's looking for a nurturing caring guy who wants people to take care of. I'm not sure that 'dark brooding' and 'nurturing' are mutually exclusive*. However, I can see how this pattern never works for LW (at least not w/out a house with two wings) as they each retreat into their 'dark night of the soul' waiting for somebody to 'rescue' them who never shows up. BTW LW, being 'needy' doesn't sound as cool as 'being profoundly meloncholy', but really it's the same thing. LW needs somebody to take care of her, and dark brooding guys aren't going to do it.

*Being the nurturing person in our family, I'm also the dark brooding one, which actually works for me, but I wouldn't recommend it for eveyone.

I think what you are seeing is how one particular "type" of man expresses anger or disappointment or frustration, which is to withdraw and turn it inward. I think what you are seeing is emotional immaturity.

I don't really understand what Cary means about competing with you for a dark side. Instead, I would suggest that you work on a healthier expression of the feelings that cause YOU to turn dark, and I think that when you find a new way to express your negative emotions, you will find yourself attracted to men who express theirs in healthier way.

I do have to say that I have no idea what a perfect way of expressing negative emotions is. But I have been with dark and brooding men, and just about anything is better than that.

I really appreciated Cary's response this evening. I have just failed spectacularly at something I am not supposed to fail at, and all I feel is amazing waves of relief. Relief that finally the failure caught up to what I already knew was going on, and was made open and official, I guess. Perhaps one day I will get some therapy to sort it out.

To the LW, I agree you should move on before "half" in love turns to "100% in love". This guy will be difficult to build a life with. Life is ups and downs and while you may not want to be with someone who is all fake upbeat sunshine while the ship is sinking, you do want someone who can at least show some resiliency and determination during life's valleys. A realist who can look at a problem and then say, okay, the past is done, what can I do to make this situation better?

Strangely, a recession might be great time to meet that special someone, see how they handle being laid off or losing their savings in this financial market. You will either see resilency in action or watch a person fall to pieces.

I think it is important during all of this embracing of one's dark side to remember however, that joy and bliss, however fleeting, are equally real experiences. We cry at our saddest moments thinking nothing will ever change, we cry at our happinest moments knowing that nothing can last forever.

So long as we seek to fix or validate something about ourselves by connecting romantically with another human being, we are doomed to failure. In this respect, we don't love because we find someone lovable; we "love" in order to feel better about ourselves. Romantic love then becomes the ultimate in wounded narcissism. To wit: if daddy didn't love us, but we can get this selfish, brooding, navel-gazing asshole to love us, we have healed ourselves and healed the past.

NOT.

This is why relationships have such a relatively short shelf life. We don't love others. We want others to love us so we can be "healed."

Of course, the flip side to that (loving someone who is kind and unfucked-up and worthy) is equally daunting. Why, you ask? Because 95% of men and women are egoic and incapable of real love. 95% of men and women are still looking "out there" for their happiness. Pleasures are external, but happiness never is.

So LW, my advice to you is this: don't mistake getting your needs met through someone else for true and actual love. If you truly loved yourself, you wouldn't settle for these Heathcliffian types. And you can only love yourself by knowing yourself. By seeing and accepting every part of you, no matter how blemished.

We are none of us perfect. We are all human. With compassion, humor, and loving kindness, we go forth into an insane world.