This club exists all over the U.S.A. Including in large parts of the military.

A friend of mine is in the Marines. At official government events, people are led in prayer. Those who step aside, or outside, to avoid taking part in the prayer, are pointedly ostracized.

So it's not just you.

I grew up in a suburban area where everybody was presumed to be Christian. Personally, I didn't care if people thought I wasn't, and gladly told them I was an atheist. I have been a pretty outspoken atheist since I was about 12 years old. I've had people tell me that I am possessed by Satan. People have very angrily suggested that I'm going to hell. One of my relatives used to send me letters at every religious holiday telling me she hopes I'll see the light some day, and encouraging me to attend Billy Graham events (or similar) in my city. I've been told that she has prayed about me out loud in front of other relatives, and has cried at night about me going to hell.

Just remember, this is supposed to be the United States, "land of the free." You're supposed to be free to believe in anything you like, without people giving you crap. Remember that, and remind people of it any time you need to.

You shouldn't hide your innermost thoughts from your wife. If you plan to continue doing so, consider getting a divorce.

Worse, you shouldn't hide your innermost thoughts about truth and reality from your children. Don't you want to be their friend? Don't you want people to know who you really are, what makes you tick? Or do you want them to like you based on a false perception of you?

If they don't like you for who you really are, then they don't really like you.

Man up and tell people what you think. Take the consequences. If people treat you badly because you're honest with them, then they're rotten people.

Dear LW, I feel for you, but there is no easy answer. I work with many devout African-Americans, and as far as they are concerned being agnostic is approximately the same as devil-worship.

You just have to lie and agree that when Jesus comes back the wicked will be punished, without actually defining the wicked.

Don't say anything to your wife, because you will only make her unhappy. She will think you are hell-bound.

You see, you have eaten the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and now you are to be punished for the rest of your life. It's all in Genesis, and now you can see that it is true, but not quite in the same way that you used to think.

Anyhow, Barack Obama and I welcome you to the club.

But it's true to what you really believe.

Your wife must know - talk to her about it. No confrontation, just let her know you are feeling hypocritical acting as a believer, among others who believe and it means something to them. I know exactly that feeling, every time I went to church and had to pretend for my grandma.

Your kids should have some notion, and you should not pretend, and should answer any direct questions directly.

For others - discuss with your wife and yourself (yourself first) if you wish to go to church still, to hear a good lecture or not (depends a lot on what the church is), while discontinuing anything hypocritical. But beyond that, I wouldn't go out of your way to tell people, to announce it quickly. Religion SHOULD be a personal matter - and even if it isn't, you may as well try to make it that. You'll get a ton of pressure. But you have to be true to what you really believe - if they push, ask if they really think their God would be fooled by you faking a belief you do not possess.

Watch out at work - you will hear the most insulting things even from those who are friends and know you - like an honest statement assuming that this means you have no morals or ethics. And there is real prejudice - don't discuss it either way with anyone from work - don't pretend, but don't deny either.

It's not the easiest path, and many find it threatening - somehow some seem to feel that if you don't believe, that threatens their own belief. When you find another agnostic, you'll find you do a little dance, each trying to feel the other out for prejudice before admitting that truth - I've known people for quite some time before they admit they are atheist or agnostic, in general. There are a lot of us out there, but most keep it all very quiet.

i put up this poll: (linkback) Yes or No? Should he tell his Baptist wife he's agnostic? [VOTE] - http://www.pikk.com/1d58a

I wouldn't announce this so quickly for 2 reasons:

(a) probably the 1st response for most folks will be to put distance between you & them, and

(b) that leaves you without a support network.

It sounds like, from your letter, a great deal of your support network is through this church - it's not just a religious group, but also a social one. Time to start exploring other options in your area. Do you have humanist interests you can explore (social justice/volunteer work? a book club?) or sports or something else?

Participating in other groups first has a few advantages. You'll get support for your questioning from people who won't be threatened by it. You will make friends outside of your church. Those currently close to you will see this as a change, but a (hopefully) gradual one, which gives them time to acclimate to your new ideas/opinions. You can host parties/barbecues/karaoke nights/whatever where your new friends and old friends mingle, which allows your new friends to introduce 'radical' ideas to your old friends, taking some of the burden off of you. You can vent about the practices of the church that irritate you to your new friends, so that you can be calm and loving in conversations about the church with your old friends.

As you do this, if you want to stay with your wife, you will probably need to think about where you can yield. Are you willing to let your children be raised in this church? Are you willing to attend some services with her? How much of your joint money are you willing to donate to this church? What will you say if your wife asks you to seek religious counseling with your minister? Can you hold your wife's beliefs with respect? Are the two of you good communicators? (If not, start working on that now, because you have a lot of difficult conversations ahead of you.)

I think you should have thought about these questions, but not have firm answers, before beginning any discussions with your wife. I say don't have firm answers to suggest that you collaborate with your wife on the answers to these questions.

FInally, I'd suggest reading some 'coming out stories'. There are plenty of those as relate to religion (whether breaking from a religious group, or joining one) as well as relating to sexuality. Take some cues from them, and take heart from them. Others have done this & survived.