As an African American male growing up we were indoctrinated into the Baptist chuch. I did notice one thing about my nearly openly gay uncle and the other "flamboyant" folks in the church, they simply turn a blind eye. Becoming a Black Nationalist in college I openly turned against the church. I would tell my relatives that Christianity was simply a tool of White supremacy and implied that only weak men went to church. Then is dawned on me. They loved me anyway!!! That is what Christianity is about for me. There are still many many things I disagree with in Black churches but, there are some profound truths and an understanding of human behavior. Even though many of us fall short, we do have to live and let live and to be true to thine self. To me it doesn't matter if there is a god or not, its the people and how we treat each other that matters. That is how I reconcil my relationship with the church. As I mentioned before, my family and relatives love me anyway.

LW, you're not going to change your wife, but you are going to upset her. Religion is NOT like being gay which is inborn, something you couldn't choose if you wanted to. You can choose what you can believe to a certain extent. Beyond that, there is less choice. Some things you just cannot "buy." We get that.

But don't tell your wife. It would hurt and distress her and maybe even break up your marriage. How important is this, really? Is it worth your marriage?

Instead, start expressing yourself in terms that "This church we're attending no longer meets my needs. I don't like their emphasis on XYZ or their harping on PDQ. Let's look for another church. I can't keep going to this one." And see what she says. It's quite possible that she's not completely happy with the church either and would be glad to find one that is not so Baptist (and everything that a Baptist church implies). Protestants have been known to church- and even denomination-hop. It's certainly not the big deal it is to Catholics.

Worse comes to worse, you have laid the ground work for saying that you will no longer attend that church (though I do think it is cruel to abandon your wife with church duties if you have small children to wrangle). If you can no longer bring yourself to attend church with your wife, then make some sort of serious effort to keep your Sabbath holy at home--not because YOU necessarily believe that it's required, but because some sort of show of solidarity with your wife will make your life a whole lot easier and it is no skin off your nose to spend Sunday morning reading comparative religion texts and taking walks in the woods thinking of heavenly things.

But take my advice, as the chastened and miserable daughter of a Catholic mother who dared to stop believing, the worst CAN happen. Maybe your wife won't stop loving you, but she might just make your life a hell of nasty comments and passive-aggressive (and very un-Christian) behavior. Ignore Cary. DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE. It's not her business anyway. It's between you and God and it's your immortal soul, not hers. Get out of going to church. Beyond that, keep your mouth shut and leave well enough alone.

As far as your kids, teach them to think and question. Thought and open inquiry is like a vaccination.

Churchgoing Agnostic,

Given where you live, DO NOT admit your views on religious matters. History has shown time and again that people of faith are the most intolerant, sanctimonious and hateful people on earth (see Crusades, Inquisition, etc.). They'll ostracize you and punish you in every way they can.

Sure, you may feel like (and be) a hypocrite for going through the motions at church when you don't believe, but that others in the pews are hypocrites as well - haven't you noticed how the most strident Christians consistently behave in ways that are anything but Christian? Turnabout is fair play and you can't reason with those who know God supports their views and no one else's. Live with the hypocrisy or move to a place where more enlightened people live.

I made it official once I entered college - my mother and family always knew I thought church was a waste of time and that I didn't get anything out of it, but they kept hoping I'd get older and give in.

I think it is best to be honest to yourself. Why can't you be friends with these people without having to sacrifice so much of your time to them? To what extent can you truly call them your friends if you can't even discuss this with them? You may be surprised by how many of them go to church and say the right things at the appropriate times just because it is expected of them.

I'm a little late to the party, so this may already have been covered. But Cary, dammit, why did you have to throw your little personal believer condescension in at the end? Your advice was really good up to that point.

Then you had to regurgitate your version of "God exists whether we believe in him or not." Essentially telling the LW he was full of crap and loved by the sky-daddy at the same time. Way to contradict yourself!

This is the problem we atheists and agnostics face every day. People look at us with "knowing" glances, as if we are wounded or somehow need to be let in on the cosmic joke. In fact, we have made a very conscious choice to *not* live our lives as if there was some grand intelligence or plan, and finding the courage to face the reality of feeling alone in the universe is difficult enough without being constantly told that "it's OK, God even loves the atheists."

The man asked you how to handle his doubts, both socially and internally, and you essentially accused him of being naive. He was crying out to you for a lifeline, and though you advised him to be his authentic self, you just compounded his dilemma!

He was trying to make it OK to not know, to question and to wonder. Instead you had to tell him you actually DO in fact know, (hiding behind the disclaimer "I might be crazy, but I think it's possible") the universe has a spirit that takes care of you, that's going to bathe you in love (like a dog), and it doesn't matter about those pesky doubts. How sickeningly smug all spiritual believers are, whether explicitly religious or not!

Let me turn this around to show you how it feels--what a true agnostic or atheist actually has to come to terms with--a journey you seem to fail to grasp, a question you seem loathe to face:

"Cary, I really think it's possible that the universe is a totally indifferent and inhospitable place, it's so vast and beyond our comprehension that it just doesn't care what kind of teleology or spiritual identity we might wish to dream up. We remain bathed in the pointless randomness of our short lives on a tiny planet. And we must create whatever meaning we want for ourselves, by ourselves."

Feel better now?