If you were traumatized as a child, you naturally would have lived in a fantasy world. I know of what you speak. What you don't yet realize, but will, is that the romance, adventure, excess and happiness you seek is not found by attaching yourself to another person or visiting other places, but by becoming romantic and adventurous yourself.

You sound incredibly timid and frightened. It's almost painful to hear you say you have been writing fiction for years and have never submitted it anywhere. That's cruelty to yourself.

In my mind, it's incomprehensible. In your mind, it's business as usual.

There are so many, many small venues and publications that want your work. They generally pay - zero - and thus, they are looking for writers like you who are simply looking to be heard.

You are a prisoner inside yourself. Your children and your life are not imprisoning you. If you were traumatized as a child, you may be used to feeling like a prisoner; perhaps it was dangerous to speak up or simply be yourself - maybe you were frightened to show your childhood fiction to your teachers or parents.

You lived in a prison, because it was safe there.

The passion you're looking for will be found in your interests. I'm not sure about cognitive behavioral therapy, but I am sure of this, because I've seen it work for others, as well as for myself:

Take singing lessons. Learn how to sing in front of just one other person (your teacher), and then in front of others. There are many, many adults who study music, particularly voice, because it is a way to find your "voice."

The success of therapy depends on your finding a wonderful therapist.

It will be easier to find a wonderful vocal/music teacher. See what happens.

Sing your way out of this, and then you will write your way out of this.

I bet you $5 this will change your life...go ahead...you will owe me $5...I really want you to owe me that $$.

First, LW is at prime age for midlife crisis. (mere opinion follows - I am not a doctor) I've seen this in numerous friends and it often boils down to asking one's self 'Is THIS what I want to be doing the rest of my life?' Sometimes the answer is a re-commitment to one's life, sometimes it's drastic change (divorce in one friend's case). This might be the crisis LW is in the midst of. While re-evaluating one's life is useful, once kids are involved the 'drastic change' thing is kinda out.

Secondly, LW might be dealing with untreated post partum depression. Clearly LW ought to get some help (probably chemical, like Lexapro). Bottom line is LW has to resolve her problems with husband so there is a stable and loving environment for the kids, who are the top priority.

As for LW's fantasy world, probably a wonderful thing to cultivate. The 'making money selling writing' might happen, but really creation for the sake of creating is not a bad way to spend one's extra time.

I wonder how long it will take before LW is flamed.......

The world of humans is terribly stressful if it's unrelieved by some time out for quiet, solitude, and the natural world.

I'm no Existentialist, but I know what Sartre meant when he said "Hell is other people." (No offense, readers. Please, don't take it personally. And yes- just this once, I am the exception to this case.)

Find a quiet, safe place with a path- or even a sidewalk in a quiet neighborhood. And then, walk. An hour is great, two hours is just about perfect. You can daydream to your heart's content- or even imagine story plots and compose passages of writing.

You can even do walking meditation, by practicing shutting off the internal voice(s) completely. It's the normal state of humans to talk to themselves- albeit silently- but it's a very liberating thing to find out that all the chatter isn't obligatory. It's possible to just see, hear, and feel- and move. Walking restores the circulation. This is all basic Taoist health regimen stuff. No need to run a race. Slow and steady walking unravels stress in the body.

I was inspired to provide this answer because I just read a story elsewhere on Salon, about the virtues of walking. I heartily endorse it. And the fact that not a lot of people share that enthusiasm troubles me not a bit. Sometimes I don't want company, and the obligation to converse that typically goes along with it.

It's all Calvinball, kids. no one should have to feel guilty about having some Cinderella, or Walter Mitty- or Albert Einstein- in them, as long as they can stay in the moment sufficiently to watch out for traffic and eventually find their way home.

Also: when you write, try to do something without psychodrama. Try and write something with no humans in the picture, just the feeling of immersion in the natural world. It's something we really miss- and something that no TV program can provide. The most plain and prosaic walk down a quiet neighborhood street beats watching the most exotic nature documentary, in some ways. You're outside, moving, up on your hind legs like you were designed, physically active. And in my experience, as long as the weather isn't absolutely terrible, that's an indescribably satisfying feeling.

I never could stand sun-bathing. Love to sun-walk.

Every time someone asks me to do something, or I want to take some time for myself, I can't because I have no other childcare. I hear about old friends getting together and having fun, and missed opportunities to do the same. I feel trapped and crated.

You need time away from the kids and husband. You and he need to trade off watching the kids, whether it is girl's night out or what. This is common for people who will not let others watch their kids. If you can not let him watch the kids, you need to ask yourself why. If he's that irresponsible, why are you married to him? If he's not going to kill the kids, what are you getting out of playing the martyr?

Trade with other married couples if you can not afford to pay a babysitter. But I would say cut an expense elsewhere (like cable) and pay for a sitter to save your sanity.

My husband watches the kids while I do things, and vice versa. I trade with neighbors. I pay for sitters. I use the YMCA's cheap sitting (usually $2 per hour).

Martyrdom does no one any good. You have cabin fever. You need adult time, freedom time. That's why you feel desperate and trapped. Your prison is made by you, it appears.

You also need some adults around you who are not your husband. You live in fantasy and write. SOme local theater companies will put on original, local plays. Write a one act. Several communities have 48 Video Projects. Write it and do it. Tell hubby he's on deck that weekend, and he gets one off. Take baby steps. But get out of the house.