I've often gone through phases like this. I wonder; are my expectations for my friends too high? Am I being needy? Is it something I did? Sometimes, when you're not in contact with your friends everyday like you were in school, life takes over and people who live further away do take a back seat to more local people and issues.

I've noticed this problem arises when my life hits a dry spell. When I'm involved and busy, old friends drop in and out and it's like no time has passed even though it may have been 6 months since I've checked in. When I'm bored or lonely, my thoughts go to, "where are all my friends"? Well, they are in the exact same place I was in before - busy with their lives. It's not that they dismiss your friendship - it's that you are excessively concentrating on the friendship because of something in your own life that is lacking.

Join a club, take a class, go out with people who you think would never ever be friend material. Change your point of view. Make a list of the things you wish your friends did for you. Then do those things for other people even though you question if they deserve it. This is HARD, and there may be no benefit for you immediately - but it changes the way you look at yourself and makes you more confident.

I'm trying to say that you need to become the things that you want.

But consider joining up for the military. I normally wouldn't encourage anyone to do that, because of the dangers involved to one's pysche and physical being.

However, you are looking for an intense sort of experience where you and your compatriots must rely upon one another for your well-being and survival. I think that soldiers have this sort of to-the-death comraderie, which you usually will not find in other lines of work.

Maybe it isn't necessary to go to war. Maybe any project where you are put into an unknown environment and have to work with others to make it will give you what you need. Maybe the Peace Corps, or missionary work will suffice.

Just don't join a cult. Don't become a Sea Org Scientologist, for example.

There are organizations whose leaders know exactly how to exploit people with the kind of emotional needs you describe. So be wary.

N,

If you want to meet people and make friends, you need to make an effort. An excellent way to make friends is to become active in a cause you care about: human rights, animal rights, historic preservation, whatever, Do some research, find a local group that fits your interests, and go to their meetings. Keep going. Be helpful. The simple act of interacting and working with other people on a common cause will lead to friendships. You'll probably get laid, too.

But pal, drop the attitude. You're not here to make other people be the best they can be. Believe me, most people are trying to do that anyway and don't need you nagging them. Being a friend means being accepting of other people. If they are basically kind and decent people, then you must overlook their flaw, as they will surely overlook yours -- and believe me, you have flaws, whether you see them or not. We all do.

I've been in a similar dilemma. I had cancer treatments over the past year, and I was surprised how many of my friends disappeared once they found out I was sick. It made me feel rather cynical and wonder why I bothered having friends, if they were too busy to send me an email or a get-well card. I've gotten over my cynicism, but it did make me think about what I want out of friendships, and how I might find it.

First, as Cary suggested, to get friends you have to go out and look for them. Every person won't turn into a lifelong pal, but you have to take the time to get to know people. I plan to look for situations where I can really get to know people - volunteering, perhaps, or in community groups - instead of depending on casual acquaintances I might meet at work. Once you leave your job, those friendships tend to fall away.

And secondly, you have to change yourself. Sometimes you have to ask people for what you want. This is hard for me, because I'm a shy person and I don't really feel comfortable saying "I need this" or "I want that". But most people are somewhat clueless (myself included!) They can't read your mind. If I tell a friend, "I really appreciate it when you call me and I don't always have to call you", most of them will get the message.

LW - you come from an older tradition, one that seems to be going the way of the dinosaur. And I know exactly how you feel. I was raised in a family where you didn't go over to someone's house for dinner without bringing some kind of an offering - a bottle of wine if you could afford it, a home made dessert if baking is you're thing, a fattie in the back pocket for the smokers if that's all you had. Just some offering. But the rest of my generation seems sometimes to be intent on making the word 'gracious' obsolete.

Same with friendship. I'm not the best at it, but I've had some friends that just go that extra mile. They call when you are down. They note birthdays in day-timers. They crochet scarves. They throw baby-showers. And every now and then they go ballistic when they realize that few of their friends ever do these same things for them. After having someone rail at me about being a lackidasical friend, I decided to turn over a new leaf, and I am determined to start adhering to the old fashioned mores of true friendship. Loyalty, constancy, and caring. We could all use more of these things, and maybe these traits are something we, as a society, need to start fostering and valuing more.

Best of luck to you. In the words of Ron Burgundy, stay classy.