It so happens that a good friend of mine, who happens to be an even better friend to my girlfriend, is getting married next month in a distant city. When we got the invitation, we took one look at each other -- no way could we go, not with airfare what they were when the invitation arrived, not with our current employment situations, not with the million other factors that sometimes make attending a wedding a grueling logistical and economical feat. So we told our friend. He said, more or less, "God! I really wish you could come! We'll miss you! But we totally understand!" That is the mature, considerate, discreet, and measured response of a true friend. That is the only response of a genuine friend.

but LW, your "friend" and her husband are assholes of the highest order. Unfortunately, you should move on. I'd be curious to hear how you were "friends" in the first place.

And Cary - being a guy, I have never heard someone euphemize "I have a problem with you" by saying "[you're] dead to me." It sounded like the guy said what he meant.

I agree with the previous comments...this couple is bad news...they sound like selfish, narcissistic jerks, and you should consider the price you paid for your ticket--and presumably whatever gift you gave the happy couple--as the cost of learning a valuable lesson: not all long-time acquaintances are your friends. A friend would, first, consider whether her friends could afford the cost of traveling to a destination wedding, and, second, understand if anyone could not afford to come.

In short: Fuck 'em.

nobody mentioned the ages of the people involved here, but this entire business sounds like something from high-school.

Sheesh.

I'm with Cary. Why would you want to be friends with complete schmucks? Immature schmucks at that.

I often lament being over 50, but then stories like this remind me of the upside to being in the process of growing up, instead of still down at the bottom of the mountain, arguing about the color of the grass there.

Of course, old people can be just as ridiculous as the people in that post. And younger people can be very mature. Still. It's nice that some things aren't all that important anymore.

Just wait a bit until her prick of a bridegroom/hubby gets done treating her, her friends, her family and possibly any new kids the same way and she will be looking high and low for all her former friends. She may not even know what hubby did, only what he may or may not have told her. What kind of a shit would treat his wife's friends in such a manner at his wedding? The expenses were onerous for you, and having a wedding that includes out of state/country air travel and guests staying in hotels, eating out, getting around a new city at their own expense should certainly mean he should show SOME sort of manners.

Weddings that are held in rarefied locales,at huge expense for all involved,and have the nerve to be shitty to guests are at the bottom of the manners scale. Are these the kind of "friends" you want? Why? It should have been a celebration of a happy day for all involved, not a gift grab! What an ass.

Don't reach out to these people any more. What if, God forbid you forget a birthday? An anniversary? Christmas? Surely you have some real friends?

If not, go get some.

The older I get, the more I think "destination" weddings (I love "detonation" wedding, however, even if I'm sorry to hear that one blew up in your face) are a form of sadism. That is, they become an excuse for verbal and emotional violence against others so the nuptial couple could feel good about themselves. I know of one bride who planned a overseas wedding knowing full well her mother is terrified of air travel.

LW, it sounds to me like the bride and groom felt entitled to the love and adoration, to say nothing of the physical presence, of their friends, and lost all perspective. It's not about that one day, it's about the rest of their lives spent in the matrix of those who love them. If this is how they behave, something tells me that number will be dropping precipitously.

In any event, I think you dodged a bullet. If you couldn't fork out that much for one day, just imagine the spoiled tantrum that would've happened when you didn't buy that $3000 stroller on her baby registry.

and her husband sound like a perfect match - two self-centered a**holes.

It is worrisome that they have decided to reproduce.

Wow. Just loathsome.

That doesn't lessen the pain in the short term, I know that for certain, but in the long run it will make it easier to move along with your life and not look back.

LW,

They don't deserve your friendship. If they couldn't understand that you barely managed to fund the travel for just yourself, and they gave you and husband grief, they're not friends.

Friends understand financial limitations.

Spoiled brats don't. Spoiled brats make lousy friends.

any effort spent chasing these people for a reconciliation is a waste of time.

Weddings are such emotional times. On my wedding day, I screamed at my maid of honor and bridesmaid for leaving my side to eat shrimp puffs and sneak a smoke out back. Jeez, I was a shrew. I'm not proud of it. It was the weeks of Bride Magazine, my mother, not enough sleep and a girdle that was making me want to cry. (With husband #2, we went to the courthouse and hit KFC afterward - it was sublime.)

Maybe your friends just need some space. Or maybe they're just jerks. Cary's right. Figure out if they are worth it first and then proceed. If this is just out of character for them, get together and talk this out. If, in retrospect, they were always thin-skinned, selfish assholes, lose 'em.