Wow. I couldn't have made this one up.

With the world in perhaps the worst shape it's ever been in, and people everywhere suffering and trying to figure out how to live -- these morons are insulted because some of their friends can't afford to drop everything and come be an extra in their obscenely expensive, morally bankrupt fantasy island wedding? Maybe the human race is just a failed experiment. THIS is what people worry about?

MORONS. And aggressive morons too. Jeez. I'm just about speechless. Listen, LW: if you have a grain of intelligence, or an ounce of real heart, or are at all interested about why you're in this human life, then drop this whole issue NOW and devote yourself to reinventing your life. There ARE meaningful pursuits out there, honest.

@ Teensy

(I don't know if I did that right).

The "friendship" you describe does sound painful.

I think we're talking about the same thing, just in slightly different ways, maybe...?

I guess my first comment WAS largely semantics.

Solipsism comes in many shades, perhaps hardest to recognize up close; subtler forms of disconnectedness can be trickier.

In your case it sounds like the problem was loud & clear. If someone made you feel that bad, frustrated, angry, unheard, uncelebrated, & uncared-for, it's a good thing you recognized it and are no longer struggling to be "friends." Plus it doesn't sound as though you liked the person.

I enjoyed your letter.

"Generally the fun people who are in to it are coming and the lukewarms are staying at home."

So those "lukewarms" who may have to choose between a school payment/a medical bill/rent/food and attending your wedding are just not "fun" people? See, this is _exactly_ the kind of unthinking, "don't rain on my precious parade" attitude that give destination wedding-happy folks a bad name. Just because your getting-hitched is the center of your frickin' universe, that doesn't mean it is end-all-be-all of everyone else's.

Bingo on the "think of it as a vacation" bit. Why does the bride assume that you, the guest, want to "vacation" in the spot where she has chosen to have her wedding?

have anything to do with these self centered hemorrhoids again.

NEVER!!

They need to be dead to you.

Sorry for the double posting...I submitted multiple versions of the same comment thinking an internet crash wiped out the first.

If you are getting married a long way from where some of your guests live, don't even THINK of pulling the "Well, but just think of it as a vacation..." bullshit.

1. I haven't had the money to take an actual vacation in years, because I'm broke.

2. IF I had the money to take a vacation it would certainly not involve pantyhose, banquet chicken cutlets, a four-way shared hotel room, or something colloquially known as "the spinsters' table." I have many big dreams of the day when I will be able to afford traveling for fun, but oddly, in none of those fantasies do I envision myself surrounded by your fiancee's douchy law school pals or watching your uncle Moishe eat soup without his dentures. I guess I'm just sort of quirky that way.

In summary, when people come to your wedding, they are doing so as a FAVOR to YOU--you are not doing US a favor by expecting us to be there, nor are you providing any of us with a lovely "vacation." Understand this. And if your guests can't come, they can't. They have lives, jobs, and responsibilities that don't all revolve around you, Grow up.

The previous poster is correct, almost EVERY wedding is a destination wedding these days (since most weddings draw guest lists from all over the country) and I'm sick of it.

Could we just all finally agree that it isn't super reasonable to expect people to fly 8 hours, miss work, fork out $600+ in accommodation and hotel costs ALONE, and spend 48 hours stuck in a shared hotel room/herded into assigned seating making boring chit chat with strangers they'll never see again, just so they can watch you get married? I'm a graduate student, and I make about $12,000 a year for teaching college courses full-time while I finish my degree. You'd think I'd be spared the worst of the guilt trips and temper tantrums over not being able to attend people's weddings in far-flung cities, but you would be wrong. I actually had a friend who continued to bully me to come to her beach wedding in Malibu even after I added up the cost of going (skipped work, plus $900 in travel and accommodations) and SHOWED her my pay stub ($800 net for THE WHOLE MONTH) AND my credit card statement (maxed.) She continued to whine and beg and argue that "If I had REALLY wanted to come, I'd have found a way." How, by teleporting myself??? I REALLY want health insurance too, but I haven't found a way to get that.

Do not expect anyone who is struggling financially to travel a long way, spring for a hotel, or skip work to come to your wedding, unless you plan to pay their expenses. If you can't or won't, then accept their gift or card graciously and tell them they were missed but you completely understand (and MEAN it.)

I'm a little surprised at the pent up hatred coming out about destination weddings here. When 80% of the guests have to travel 8+ hours in a car or board a plane, I'd think they'd be happy to go somewhere fun like Italy instead of Quiet Midwest Town, USA. That's the choice my fiance and I made and it has absolutely been the right one. We invited everyone we thought might be interested and it was a self-selecting process. Generally the fun people who are in to it are coming and the lukewarms are staying at home.

Almost everyone I know who marries after age 25 pays most of the cost themselves. A lot of them are using destination weddings to avoid bankrupting themselves, or to avoid wedding stress. A standard 100 person wedding will run you about $15,000 in most parts of the country (much more in other parts).

Couples are doing their best with what they've got. They ultimately have to extend the invitation they can and you have the choice to accept and share their day or congratulate them another time.