I agree with Cary, but if you still don't want to move to the same city, you should at least consider polyamory. These days more people are becoming comfortable with open relationships. Personally, I think exclusive long-distance relationships are destined for cheating. Why even risk the hurt and betrayal that inevitably results when one partner violates the trust and sanctity of the relationship? He's telling you in advanced that he wants to have more sex. Probably he will get it in one way or another. You should talk over some boundaries that meet both your needs. I think your relationship can come out of this stronger than before. You are a grown woman and you also deserve to have your needs met. There is a lot of communication and work necessary for people in open relationships, but there are also many resources out there to help people like you.

does he love you or not?

Your boyfriend is more interested in controlling the flow of the relationship than in making you happy.

Here is what will likely happen. Wild oats will be sowed with or without your permission. At the last minute after he has confessed all of this he will attach yet another condition to your potential joining of souls. Even if you do marry, it seems he will always attach riders to the contract. Kids. Money. Careers. At some point you might get tired of fulfilling these demands.

People who want to get married.... go and get married. People got married in the middle of wars, plagues, the great depression, lack of jobs, money, and resources never stopped them.Although a touch of pragmatism is always a great idea when thinking about doing the deed, over intellectualizing the parameters in which it is to happen is a sign of reluctance. Perhaps on both your parts? Nothing wrong with long distance relationship, I was in one, we were in opposite parts of the country though, not the world and when I decided I had enough of that my now husband apparently came to the same conclusion at the same time.

I put up this poll: A or B? Should this woman A) let her boyfriend sow his oats or B) move on [VOTE] - http://www.thriveorfail.com/1d2ef

I'm all for loving someone, but if you face these kinds of geographical issues and neither one is willing to make the sacrifice to relocate, then it's time to move on. There are more than 6 billion people on the planet, for Pete's sake. Why on Earth does this fantasy that there's only One True Love for any given person persist? Let go. By now you know what your needs are. Find someone who meets them. Find someone who wants to (i) live in the same time zone (ii) get married (iii) get married to you. Time, distance, and your boyfriend himself have told you this one isn't the one.

P.S. If he's playing the sowing wild oats card, chances are he's already done mowed down a stalk or two.

Both parties have to be on the same page about what the acceptable level of involvement with others is, and what the future looks like. Marriage is important to you and you want it right now. He's not at all enthusiastic about the idea. The LDR is a red herring, and so is his wish to pursue other sexual relationships now as a condition of marriage to you later.

When you give someone an ultimatum, you need to accept that you may not get the outcome you want. And you didn't. I don't think his response sounds like a "firm commitment" at all. And he's given you an ultimatum right back: I need to sleep around now, or I can't promise that I won't after marriage. (More a childish threat than an ultimatum, actually.)

Back to my first sentence. You and he are not on the same page. Didn't the "number of mildly unpleasant discussions" make that clear? Move on and find someone who wants what you want without attaching conditions to it. And I wouldn't suggest planning marriage to someone you spend a few weeks a year with.

p.s. What's your big hurry to get married? Is it just cultural pressure?

Dear LW; This guy does not sound like he is in love with anyone except himself. So he want to sow his wild oats, huh? Gee, I wonder what his reaction would be if you told him you want to sow _your_ wild oats, too? Never mind, I know what he would say. Neither one of us want to hear it, either. Dear LW, you sound like a true and sincere person. You don't need this guy, who is really your opposite -- false and...false! Tell him goodbye and look around -- I feel sure you will find many people who will appreciate you for your good self, not for their ego trip.

-- jeang287

It doesn't sound like him wanting to sleep around is really the problem in this relationship. The problem is that neither of you have found a way to live in the same city in the past, right now or in the immediate future. I don't know all the reasons why, but it raises a red flag. Surely if you're that committed to marriage and to each other you would have found a way. And how can you really say that you're that committed to your relationship when you only see each other a couple of times a year? That's no preparation for marriage.

I'd say the logical thing to do is agree that you'll see/sleep with other people until you're able to live in the same place and really have a relationship, because long distance relationships don't tend to work out (and you're beginning to see why). But what's logic got to do with it?

My 2 cents. I usually don't like to give straight forward advice but your situation and your lack of insight, initiative and sacrifice is frustrating.

Listen to Cary and move to the same city. Give up your education or job or such. Even in these dire economic conditions, people find jobs and thrive, have confidence that you will find a way. Move or don't move, you will have regrets either way, prepare to live with it.

I have a feeling though that the boyfriend will not marry you regardless. You might want to consider yourself lucky. The man is indecisive about his love for you.

Best of luck.