A fetish is something very specific: an object/experience/whatever that's more than just fun: it carries a very specific kind of erotic charge for the fetishist. A fetish is unintentionally severely objectifying (not in a bad way, just in a literal way) a body part, some set of words or a ritual, a material, etc.

Liking threesomes - at least the way LW describes his experiences - is not a fetish. It's an affinity. It's something fun he likes to do. And I'm not going to slam on that, but it's a little bit ridiculous to decide to not date because you're not going to find the perfect woman who's going to give you this not-fetish thing that you happen to think is really neat. I mean, there are definitely middle-aged and older women who are into threesomes. Try swinger communities/personals, obviously. But this doesn't sound like something you in any way LW requires to get off, or exclusively fantasizes about. It's not his fetish; it's presumably one of various of his sexual interests. These are two very different things with very different prescriptions for whether it's a wise thing to get into a relationship in which this won't be fulfilled.

You say you are on a quest for a loving relationship with a fantasy woman--or two, but I am afraid you are being a bit disingenuous.

In truth, you want a fuck doll.

"When first meeting, whether in person or online, I was sure to come out about my preference"--WHAT? Do you have any idea how that comes across? No matter how sensitively broached, here's what you're really saying: "I'm sure you're a fine woman and all, but one vagina isn't ever going to do it for me. If we're going to have even a mockery of a relationship, it will have to be two."

You want to know why your relationships are unsatisfying? You are completely marginalizing these women, manipulating them into fulfilling your "fetish" and you're left scratching your head about why it didn't work out. You need a mirror. Or a shrink. Probably both.

I'm also thinking--and again, please forgive me here, but it's pretty damn obvious: unresolved mommy issues. Don't tell me--at least one of your former girlfriends has accused you of being passive-aggressive.

And BTW, Cary, I love you, but for you to eulogize this guy for being such an intrepid soul, frankly, made my lunch come up. WOW.

I think it's completely possible for you to find a woman who will meet your needs (which, by the way, by the terms of your letter, does not rise to the level of a fetish, so it would probably be helpful not to categorize it that way).

You sound like you're perfectly reasonable in your desires. It's not something you wish to do ALL the time, just occasionally, you're otherwise willing to be monogamous, and you're honest and upfront about what it is you need (although I do suspect that most women are viewing it in the "want" category, so a little more clarity when you're being upfront might be helpful).

I suspect the problem is not that you want a woman who will occasionally do threesome. I suspect you want a woman who will occasionally do threesomes, and has model-looks, a fantastic personality, is well educated, loves dogs, works for charitable causes, cooks, cleans, appreciates your mother, has a discreet tattoo of an outstretched butterfly... You see where I am going here? Those women may exist, but if they do, they're dating George Clooney.

If what you really, really need is a woman who is really bi, and willing to do threesomes for the rest of your years, you're going to have to compromise in some of the other areas. I promise you, there's a womwn out there willing to meet your dealbreaker need of the occasional threesome, but she's probably in a slightly different package than the one you've imagined and, until this point, pursued.

Open your eyes, and your heart, decide what's really important, let the rest go, and you'll find someone.

Do you want a polyamorous relationship? Because those don't seem so hard to find these days; there are clubs and sites all over the internet organizing people all over the country to meet in affinity groups of that type. Or do you want a fantasy woman for a "fetish"--you yourself call it that. Because most people get worn out of being a prop pretty quickly, so if that's what you want, you'll probably have a hard time making a long term relationship with your current mindset. But if you just want to go poly, tons of people do that these days, so I don't see what the struggle is. Maybe you should just move to Berkeley.

I guess it is possible that your folks continued to bring 3rd party volunteers into their marriage bed well into their eighties, as you claim in your letter to Cary, but how is it that you know this? Did your dear old mom say to you, "thank goodness for Viagra, dear, or I never would have got to watch your dad getting busy with Mrs. O'Leary from down the street" over the Sunday potroast? I'm guessing that this extended threesome-heavy marriage of your folks is mostly a creation of your imagination, based on your discovery of one threesome incident that occurred when the 'rents were still young and firm and you were in your formative sexual years. But anyway, surely there are 50 or so yahoo/facebook/google groups of people who share your exact preference. I think you actually prefer to be lonely and misunderstood. Once you figure out why that is, perhaps you will find your community and through your community, your ideal lady friend.

You're right. The lifestyle you've described is based on the banal, MIDDLE-AGED, male, fantasy cliché of one man having two women satisfy him. You, like many other men, simply expect a cornucopia of "actively" bisexual (not to be confused with the belief that all men and women may be passively bisexual to a degree) women fighting to fit into a tired male fantasy.

If you were truly emulating a "bohemian" lifestyle, you might give a MMF threesome a try. Who knows? Maybe you to will discover a bit of bisexuality in your own heart? Don't knock fencing until you try it.