This is the intended purpose of doors. You have one, use it!

The book sounds absolutely fantastic, and I await it with eager anticipation. :-)

I wish the LW would have included when her husband was castrated. WTH is wrong with people that they can't say

'Dude, we like ya but you're coming over way too late for us. If it's after 8:00 PM, that's our time. Thanks.'

The mooching is a seperate issue, up to personal tastes. But the cutting into 'time in one's home with one's spouse' thing is way over the line.

... cuz 'm comin' over. And I haven't had supper yet!

Seriously, polite but firm i.e. we really like you but not 24/7. If that doesn't work less polite and more firm. Repeat as necessary.

I totally used to do that. Sorry Amanda! Sorry Amy! Sorry Ivo!

I was sad about the locked door for weeks.

One, LW says that when she says she is going to bed, the neighbor stays around for hours talking to the husband. Does that mean the husband isn't as bothered, and enjoys the neighbor's company enough to stay up with him longer? I ask because if both LW and her husband aren't on the same page about this, it could be difficult resolving the issue.

Two, what sort of disability does the neighbor have? I'm not sure why I think this is important, but I do. If the neighbor has a disability that makes it difficult for him to get out and meet people, and doesn't even go to a job where he would have some sort of personal encounter with others, his behavior may spring from this. He may just be really, really grateful for friends. That doesn't excuse his behavior, and it doesn't mean LW shouldn't set boundaries, but it might explain the situation better.

I myself am having trouble with a co-worker who has glommed onto me. I can't have a conversation with anyone else there that the co-worker doesn't take part in (we work in the same room and roughly the same hours) and the co-worker seems to want to spend as much time with me as possible. Very irritating. But I like the person, and this is someone who has really no friends (and not because there's something wrong with the person, but for a lot of reasons that are too personal for me to include here). I'm sharing this because while I know I shouldn't have to take on guilt about this, I also know the only way I could alter the situation would be to address it. And as friendly as the person would be, I know there would be rough feelings as a result...which would make the hours we work together even more uncomfortable. I don't want to cause that, so I suffer. I can understand why the LW might be reluctant to tell the neighbor how she feels.

Hey Cary!

Great. I have encouraged this thing for a long time, via posts and e-mails. Suggestion, though: You might be able to run this call-back thing through the www, on Salon. That would put your www column far above the www competition, and then you still could make a book.

Salon's no-anonymous policy would be an impediment, but you are Salon's Golden Boy. You might make an arrangement, just for you, to receive anonymous input, or just to publish it anonymously here, after you get it. (How else would you know you are hearing from the real LWs, rather than scammers who would pose as past LWs???)

Anyway, great idea to take after-Cary input. Please try to get input from partners and spouses too. e.g. the people these Letter Writers complain about. Cheers!

If the neighbor is delightful and entertaining, then just not answering the door is a poor place to start. It sounds like the LW is dropping hints. Some people are dreadful at picking up on subtle hints. As far as overstaying, there are simple enough things to say, like "It was good seeing you," while standing. With a family member who really doesn't take hints, I've walked her to the door. At that point she goes "Oh", it clicks that while we like seeing her that it is time to go. She's probably more embarrassed at not realizing she was overstaying than I was to escort her. After a few times no escort was needed. Since you want less frequent visits, you could follow up some Thursday night perhaps with "lets do it again sometime next week; give us a call and we'll pick a good night." Look how much direct information in conveyed without making a big issue out of it.

If that sort of thing doesn't work then you probably need to have a sit-down talk, and risk some alienation. If this neighbor considers you more than free computer access, free food, etc., they'll get over it. Only if they ignore polite attempts should it be necessary to ignore the door, especially if this person lives in such close proximity that they know when you're home. I have another family member, not close, who refused to stop just popping in after very clear discussion about it. At least having tried communication, afterward I didn't feel bad not answering the door if their timing was not at all convenient. When it was commented on once, I explained that if I'm in the bath or in bed or in the middle or something I may not answer the door if I'm not expecting someone. Not long after I'd get a call instead of a pop-in, much better.

Whatever you try could cause a blow up, but its that or suffer silently, and that's not healthy or necessary. Also, unless the husband doesn't agree with your about the neighbor, he needs to support whatever efforts you take together with the neighbor. If he doesn't agree and you can't reach a compromise on how to handle it you have bigger issues to deal with than the neighbor.

a crucial part of teaching your neighbor is to also extend an invitaion now and then at a appropriate time like , dinner at 6 now and then , Sunday breakfast once a month etc.

Perhaps you can tell him "we're trying to get to bed earlier no more housecalls after 8. But your husband has to be firm. if he doesn't want to admit he goes to bed at 10;30 he can always say " dude I 've got some work I've got to finish up, "

That way the neighbor also gets the message that BEING INVITED is part of the deal and who knows , maybe he'll invite you up someday. If that ever happens you can pat yourselves on the back for having socialized him.