That sucks. A lot of the people who write to Cary make mountains out of molehills. You've got so many molehills they've turned into a mountain. I'm sorry you have to deal with so much.

Some people are energized by being with others, some people are stressed out by it. Sounds like you're the latter. Do you have the funds to take a vacation alone someplace warm and sunny, to think, cry and let yourself recover? You could stay someplace simple, away from the tourist destinations, which would be cheaper. Read some nice, escapist books. Maybe you don't need to find immediate meaning through religion or relationships with others, maybe you just need some time, and to treat yourself well.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. SYA is one of the few places where I have seen regular treatment of the basic human need to take time and GRIEVE.

Writer-you are going to be okay...someday. I could have written large parts of this. In my experience, the best way to get through really dark times is to go ahead and delve in, really feel it, and let the lesson come to you..slowly.

Trust yourself, and reach out only as much as absolutely necessary. You CAN fall apart and re-arrange the pieces slowly without total chaos.

LW, I am touched by your plight -- especially so because I, too, had a horrible 2008. My dear husband of one year, who has always been loving, tender and devoted, has withdrawn and is not sure he wants to be married anymore (although he is still here physically). He acknowledges he may be depressed, but will not take any action to resolve it. I don't know if he will ever come back to me emotionally, or if and when he might leave. And compounding matters, in October I was fired from my job. Not laid off -- the company's in good shape financially. Fired. With no warning whatsoever -- my boss just decided he didn't like me, and rather than working to fix anything, he just fired me out of the blue.

Anyway, it's been tough for me, although nowhere near as tough as your situation. I have no specific advice or recommendations -- I just felt moved by your intelligence, your beautiful analogies and your humanity, and wanted you to know that others support you from afar. (Or maybe near. Who knows.)

[Personally, I have found great comfort these past few months in meditation, specifically Vipassana or insight meditation. I now attend a group weekly, and recently went to a retreat at a wonderful place called Spirit Rock. I'm also using a book called The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness. Jon Kabat-Zinn is one of the authors. I have no spiritual inclination toward this, and don't consider myself a Buddhist. Someone told me the Dalai Lama says Buddhism is a technique, not a philosophy. One of the beauties of meditation is its emphasis on recognizing your thoughts as just that, thoughts, and not attaching specific meaning to them, as well as the emphasis on "letting things be" or "letting go."]

A number of years I lost almost everything: job, mate, sanity. Luckily I held onto my apartment and a few friends.

There is no magic bullet...it just takes time.

That's the first thing to remember. Although by no means quite as bad as yours, I had a similiar year in 2005. I made a cross-country move only to have to undergo a major surgery. The surgery went wrong and I had to go back for a total of two more surgeries within the year. My grandparents, who at the time were my only connection on that side of the coast, died. The rest of my family seemed simply unwilling to help me, which they later admitted they were for a variety of reasons. To cap the year off the degree I thought I had earned and the university had told me I had, ended up being incorrect. I had to go back and finish an additional two hours.

The thing to remember, that Cary is trying to tell you, is that you have strength inside of you that you don't even realize you have. Although it doesn't seem like it, this strength will emerge under circumstances like this. The fact that you're even still on your feet after something like this, speaks highly of you. It may not seem like it, but it does.

Things really do happen for a reason. Sometimes what happens might be crappy, as it undoubtedly is in this case, but it happens for a reason. It happens to change us into different and better people. As painful and unfair as that change might be it is ultimately necessary. And it comes to strong and good people just as readily, if not more readily, than weak people.

It sounds to me, from what you've wrote, that you ARE clearly a very strong person. Most people simply would not still be standing after a year like this. To me it just speaks to how fabulous of a person you are. And the universe will reward this. It'll put you through hell first, and it wiil take its decent time but it will reward you for it.

Remember first of all that you ARE going to be okay. Take pride in the strength that you clearly possess and have displayed. Be proud of yourself. You've done nothing wrong. If you can make it through a year like that you can make it through anything.

Finally, the one thing I wish I had done that you should consider if you have the time is: 1) Take some time off to reflect and 2) Don't be afraid to tell people enough is enough. It's clear to any sane person you've done everything you can.

With respect to your parents, without being rude, it's also evident that you've tried your best. At a certain point you have to take care of YOURSELF as well. It's wonderful that you're a caring daughter, but it's okay to tell them to back off too. You can't help anyone else if you're falling apart. Take care of yourself first. You don't have to be mean or selfish, just make sure you are taking care of you.

Anyway I think everyone here wishes you the best and KNOWS that you'll get through this. Sorry for rambling, but I know how you feel. Some years are just hell. It'll get better.