"Is there some third way? Could you have an open marriage with the stable guy, and see that fun guy on the side? It's a long shot, and if you try to do it on the sly, you're headed for trouble. But you might consider it."

No, do not consider it! This is terrible advice. Especially if you are going to bring kids into the mix.

Listen to your heart. Listen to your head.

Then tell your heart to shut the fuck up and do what your head says.

Following your heart through life is like following your feet across a piano.

feel'n like a fool

loving both of them

is breaking all the rules!

If you're thinking about marrying one of these guys primarily because you want a child ... maybe you should just have a child?

I realize its easy for me to say ... but if that's your primary motivation, what'd make you happy, maybe that's what you should do. Assuming of course that you have the wherewithal to raise a child on your own, if that's how things work out.

Otherwise, if its really down to these two guys - go for the first one, if you're sure he's OK with having kids.

By all means, go ahead and take up with the funny guy. When it turns out he really doesn't want any more kids and boots you out the door for trying to get pregnant anyway and you let the stable guy who loved you also has gone and has found someone a bit ..um.. more wise to marry, then, you and the baby can just take off on your own , laughing and laughing. That'll take care of everything. Just laugh and laugh a lot.

What will mostly surprise you one day is when you discover the long lines of women who would have sold a kidney for a responsible, caring man who is stable and responsible.

Better yet. Get out on your own and live alone for a year or two. See if you are capable of caring for yourself, job wise, health care wise, life wise. Why is it only a man who is supposed to rescue you? Can't you do anything on your own? Is marriage to a man for his ability efforts or "fun" the only reason you feel the need to marry? Neither of these guys sound like they would appreciate that. Would you if your roles were reversed?

It's time to grow up, girlie. Cuteness only goes so far in life.

First the judgemental part, just to make things clear - I have to wonder if LW has told Stable Guy that she has another offer on the table she's interested in. If he does know, than LW is rather a cruel person, dangling her desire for another in Stable's face. On the other hand, she could just be a liar, which isn't really all that good either.

re: Interesting guy - well he doesn't want marriage or kids, so I can't see why he's even a candidate. The only way he works is if LW 'changes him'. Hey LW, you can't change people, but you can waste a lot of your and their time trying to (and annoying everyone in the process).

There is really no choice. If she stays with Stable than eventually she will get bored (and cheat/leave) or he will realize she is a flake. Stable seems like the sort of person who is planning his life (BTW LW, serious is what ADULTS do) and it seems unjust that LW is wasting his time just because she 'might want children'. Gotta wonder, how can LW 'want children' but not want to 'take things seriously'?

Short answer - LW should not try to marry either guy, but should grow the F up until she understands that mutual commitment isn't everyone bending to her whims.

unbelievable.

no wonder nearly everyone feels this country is fucked.

you think LW would be fine if her guy just had a woman on the side? You know, to do SERIOUS things with...

As for LW, she is immature. Old guy is toying with her, and she will learn this. Young guy is better than she is. Besides, is she only a passive receptacle? Can't the LW generate some fucking excitement and make the serious guy into a fun loving easygoing guy sometimes too?

...because they represent two extremes. LW, Mr. Fun definitely ain't right for you because kids (as Cary so aptly noted) is a dealbreaker--either a person wants them or they don't, and there are few things worse than someone who feels guilted into having children. But when it comes to Mr. Stable, are you _sure_ you were the "problem" in your relationship with him--or was it really that he's a humorless person whom no one with any human sense of fun could please? Trust me, all the security in the world isn't worth living with someone who's controlling or takes everything too seriously. You really shouldn't pin your hopes on trying to "change" this guy, because suppose he never lightens up enough to make you feel "positive" or whatever?

Because the guy you want to marry and the guy you want to fuck are rarely the same guy. You didn't state your age, but maybe you should wait until you find a better mix of the two.

It seems to me that if you really loved one of these men, there would be no need to make a decision. You would marry the man you loved.

Since you are trying to decide, you probably don't really love either one. You would probably be better off choosing neither, and finding someone you really love.

I'm no hopeless romantic but I know one thing: if the guy in question is not making you go "he's the one, I know it", then you shouldn't marry him. Anything less is settling. You're not convinced either of these guys is The One, so choose neither.

Forms of this question appear frequently in this column and all have the same answer irrespective of the content: Neither of the Above.

The inevitable list of contrasting assets and liabilities for A and B is completely irrelevant. It is the existence of the list that matters.

A lacks B's qualities and B lacks A's qualities and each has been found wanting in light of the other. Cut them both loose.

It is not that C will combine the best of both. That never happens. But whatever C's qualities, he won't be shadowed by D, against whom he is secretly being compared. Meanwhile, with any luck, the LW will come to realize that, if we are idealizing the perfect mate, we will never have what we want, but eventually we may learn to want what we have. But it is too late for A and B: the field is contaminated.

If, on the other hand, she tries to follow my advice and in the process realizes she would be crazy to do it, perhaps simply running the thought experiment will have clarified the problem and it solves itself. If she wakes up one morning and can truly say either A or B with her whole heart . . . I am skeptical but I never say never.